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Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Regulation Deficit


 
We talk much about trauma being a “developmental disorder” because it is.  It is important to recognize in our children the deficit of being able to regulate themselves (keep their thinking, emotions and behavior under control).  One of the biggest arguments that I hear against practicing therapeutic, or attachment parenting is, “My child can control himself when he wants to or when he wants something”.  Looking at a child’s behavior from a purely external view shows the statement to appear correct.  This sets the stage for uses of punishment and consequences, which in turn sets the relationship up for failure. Why do traditional techniques and strategies seem to work with some children?  Some do for a temporary fix.  Are they really training our children and youth to calm themselves in healthy ways, for the long-term?   Science has taught us that if a child is not experiencing consistent calm peace, their neurochemistry of chaos cannot change. 

 For years, sometimes longer than we parents realize, we are to be containment for our children’s feelings.  It is our job to be their “internal regulator.” With relationship comes the ability to speak into their lives. At specific times we begin to teach them how to regulate their own feelings.  We step into sharing the containing, then eventually we hand the job over to them.

If you are at the store and your child begins to be disruptive (in any way) you usually give a verbal warning or a look.  Stop it!”   As moments continue, the child begins the behaviors again. Your frustration increases, along with feeling the lack of control flowing away.  After several times, you may give a threat, “If you don’t stop that, you will lose TV tonight”.  Or you might try bribery, “If you can control yourself until we get to the car, I’ll buy you a candy bar”.  These techniques can work for a period of time. That is why we use them again and again.   Unfortunately, they only work for short spurts.  They are not teaching internal regulation skills and they are not building a mutual relationship between you and your child.  It actually places pressure between the two of you.

First of all, the use of punitive consequences can come from a feeling of losing control.  The parent cannot get her child to behave the way the parent is comfortable with.  Then, as the behaviors continue to come up, bribes and threats continue, the parent begins to feel like a failure, and possibly resentful of the child.  In turn, the child’s anxiety increases and he experiences hurt and anger.

Now, let us take a look what is going inside the brain.  Our children that come from compromised beginnings measure dangerously high levels of cortisol (stress hormone) and their oxytocin (love hormone) is measured dangerously in deficit levels. 

Look at how the technique of bribery works.  The child is stressed (negative behavior). The parent gives into the candy.  There is a short oxytocin release (the child feels good) but the child has not learned how to regulate her emotions.  When the sugar kicks in, behaviors begin to increase. Then the sugar drops, and behaviors continue to increase.  Now, a bigger-better external means of regulation is needed, and so on and so on.   When this calming wears off, it met by the release of more cortisol.  The child begins to see external means as regulation (very similar to how addictions work), instead of increasing oxytocin through relationship.  Points and rewards work this way also.  Sometimes when we use these traditional techniques, they work for a while.  A child may hold it together as long as she can, then out of exhaustion, she cannot anymore. 

Consequences work in a similar neurological way.  A negative behavior occurs. More cortisol is released.  A consequence is given, more cortisol floods the brain.  We take away or send away (time out), even more cortisol is produces.  The use of relationship to regulate is not happening or being taught.  Cortisol is now rushing through our child. Survival is in control.

 Relationship is not about techniques.  It is about being in-tune to where you are emotionally and where your child is emotionally.  This is how a child will learn regulation.   Regulation through relationship only counteracts cortisol by releasing oxytocin, but builds up reserves of oxytocin.  That is self-regulation. We cannot just look at what we see externally, but understand what is internal.

Monica Cohu                                                                                                                                                                                              

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Food Issues, Mommy Glasses, and the Movies


We went to the movies today. I was excited because I only had the two little kids with me- everything is easier with two kids instead of five. Frankly, over these last few years, attending the theatre with two toddlers with attachment issues has been a battle. The tension oozing from my youngest was tangible and lasted from the second we entered the theatre until long after we had left. They have been in our home for 4 ½ years now, and as I waited in the concession line for the lady in front of me to order 97 separate items, I had time to analyze how my parenting approach had changed.

I choose to take the kids out to the movies because most of us enjoy it immensely, but to keep within the budget we go to the dollar theatres and we share popcorn and drinks.  It is simple, efficient, affordable and fun. If we stay within these guidelines we can go to the movies regularly. The family has talked this through and the kids are happy to share if it means getting to attend more frequently! Happy Kids + Happy Mom=Win/Win

 Enter into the scenario a traumatized toddler with food and anxiety issues. As we settled into our first movie three or so years ago, I had all the kids seated. I had explained to the kids that as soon as the movie started I would go stand in line and bring back popcorn and soda. I was the only adult, so I wanted to be gone in the concession line for the least amount of time possible. My little man started in, “I want a drink, I want popcorn, I want coke, where is the coke, why can’t I have popcorn?” And for the next 10 minutes it felt like he was standing there with a fire hose drowning me with his verbal demands. He was so insistent and worked up that he was crying, sobbing, completely unable to regulate himself. We were already in melt-down mode so I left him with an older sibling and sprinted to the line and came back with 2 sodas and a large popcorn- crisis averted. Right? Oh no! If someone dared ask for the soda to be passed down for a sip he would be sobbing and obsessed with holding it AND the popcorn.

 Let’s pause this story for a moment. This is emotional tension on steroids. This emotional tension was exhausting for me. I wasn’t used to living in an environment where there was so much chaos, and especially over something so simple. For the first few years of parenting our traumatized (post-orphanage) kids, I was convinced that they were the reasons for the disconnect. Obviously right? Healthy, normal kids don’t often act like their life is in danger at the thought of sharing a soda at a theatre.

 I have since learned to change my expectations and movie strategies. I already know in advance that all my kids have strengths and weaknesses. Food is a tender area for this little man. I could have had him share a soda today and he would have survived. But survival sucks. I don’t want my kids doing the minimum, I want them to thrive. So I bought that boy his very own large soda AND I let him hold the popcorn. Because it isn’t about the soda at all. It is about loss. And he has allowed me to look into his little heart, and what he is capable of saying to me at this time is, “I need more- more time, more hugs, more love, more attention, more structure, more food, more snacks, more, more, more.” This used to drive me crazy, and it still does sometimes. But I can look at his cries for soda and put on my special super-duper-Mommy glasses and see that what he is really saying is that he is still scared. And I’m truly thankful for the fact that he is voicing his needs. Emotions and fear are hard to process, even for adults. If I shut him down, I’m never going to get to that next layer, because I guarantee you there is more coming. Grief and loss can be an invisible wave that washes slowly into your psyche or it can be a tidal wave that rocks you so hard your head is spinning. The waves of grief that surround our traumatized kids are always there and it is up to us as parents to look past the behaviors and realize that these kids have different needs than the ones who were rocked and cooed at during infancy. Sometimes it is a simple fix like plopping $6 for a large soda. But it is bridging the gaps in his brain. As we continually meet these demands, his little brain is forming new pathways, he is learning to relax, and he is learning to trust. Not bad for 6 bucks!

 Just to test my little experiment, I asked if his sister could have a sip of his orange soda about 30 minutes into the movie. And while he complied, I could see his fear filled eyes reengage instantly. That is where he is; it makes me sad for him. Bryan Post says that “trauma has the ability to impact us for the rest of our lives.” It is completely true. Do not be fooled, time does not heal all wounds. Relationship, eye contact, routine, consistency, can begin to heal some losses- but only if we are mindful of what is driving the behavior. -Sarah Sanchez