Fear is fear...

The Root Canal: a Going-to–School Story by Carol Gloetzner


Imagine that you have dental phobia. Just getting your teeth cleaned gives you the heeby-jeebies. You’ve had a dull pain in your tooth, though, that keeps getting worse, causing you to wake up at night and making your usually sweet self a bit testy with your family and co-workers. So you force yourself to the dentist and he says you need a root canal and he can fit you in on Thursday. By Wednesday, you are an emotional mess. What to do? You have a little talk with yourself, “This will all be over soon. You can handle this.” You call the friend who can calm you the most and ask if she’ll drive you to the dentist. You work out for an hour at the gym. You have a glass of wine. Or two. On Thursday, you decide to bring your ipod and listen to your favorite calming music during the procedure. You wear that lavender perfume because you heard that it is a soothing smell. You have your favorite breakfast. You wear your most comfortable clothes. Still, your hands are clammy and your stomach is doing back-flips. You consider cancelling, but the pain is reminding you that it really needs to be done.


Now imagine that you get a phone call right before you leave. It’s the dentist’s office.

“I’m calling to let you know that the FDA just made a ruling. They have decided that it is unsafe to have anesthesia during a root canal. We still need to do the procedure; you just can’t have anything for the pain. We’ll see you at 10:30.” You throw up. You are terrified, shaking. You are making strange, loud noises. Your brain is unable to form a single thought. Your friend shows up at the door and seeing that you are a mess says, “What’s wrong with you! You get yourself into that car this minute! We are going to be late! Where are your shoes! Didn’t I tell you to put your shoes by the door?! Why isn’t your lunch made!? Quick! Find your library book! Where’s your homework?! Hurry! I’ve told you five times to tie those shoes!! Let’s go! LET’S GO! You’re going to have consequences for this behavior! Move it!”


Ten things you can do to make the morning easier…(Thanks, Traci Tippett)



Get everything ready the night before. Pick out the clothes (no reconsidering in the morning), pack the backpack, double check to make sure everything is ready. Have everything you need by the door or put it in the car.

Keep an extra pair of shoes in the car.

Add at least 20 minutes to get ready in the morning. If you have extra time, spend it doing something rewarding together.

Send a photo of the two of you together so that he can keep it in his pocket. Include a love note.

If you have a child on morning meds and you have noticed that it really helps, try giving it to your kiddo thirty minutes earlier and then let them sleep til time to wake up.

Have a weighted blanket on the car seat ready for snuggling.

Keep extra power bars on hand for kids who may need to chew on the way to school. Even chewing on a straw may help.

Think about the things you do to calm yourself when you’re afraid. Teach them to your child, concentrating on all the senses.

Having the same routine each day helps kids begin to feel empowered in the mornings. Unless it causes further stress, you could write it down or make a visual schedule using silly photographs. (crazy outfits or backwards clothes for getting dressed, brushing teeth while hanging upside down, silly faces, etc.)

Remember that your child’s defiance is probably a cover for deep fear. Make sure he knows that you are on his side and that the two of you will team up to help him cope.

Awkward Conversations...

Connecting, Empowering, Correcting...

I was able to attend a training with Dr. Karen Purvis of TCU today. In a word, AMAZING. I highly recommend you read her book, The Connected Child and visit the website www.child.tcu.edu and www.empoweredtoconnect.org Here are a few highlights...

Think about how much time you spend correcting your child's behaviors...the average is 85%... Dr. Purvis suggested that the three parental responsibilities are Connecting with our child, Empowering our children with words and choices and Correcting and teaching behaviors. Studies have shown that most parents spend the majority of the time correcting and the least amount of time connecting with their child. She was clear this isn't about getting stepped on or run over by our kids, it is ALL about meeting them where they are and showing them that they are WORTH being in relationship with. Dr. Purvis also reminded us to parent to our child's developmental age instead of focusing on their chronological age.

She talked a lot about nutrition and meeting basic needs. Dr. Purvis said "our" kids need to be given a nutritious snack every two hours and kept hydrated. She believes that kids with an abuse and neglect history are very commonly chronically dehydrated. She suggested that we look into a property in green tea called theanine ( http://www.ehow.com/how_4747605_whether-green-tea-relieves-stress.html )as a stress reducer for our kids and increasing our use of cinnamon as a blood sugar leveler for kids with mood swings. We discussed the enormous value of Omega 3s and 6s...especially flax and chia seeds! I've recently been adding these to my family's diet so I was thrilled!

We discussed parenting styles ranging from Neglectful to Permissive to Authoritative to Authoritarian. Most of our kids come out of Neglectful Parenting backgrounds and studies show that many adoptive and foster parents fall in the Authoritarian realm. Dr. Purvis discussed the need to move toward an Authoritative persuasion which is high in structure but also really high in warmth and nurturing. She shared a quote from Abraham Lincoln, "Force is all conquering but its victories are shortlived". We know our kids need structure but in order to have attachment, you have to add the nurturing and warmth...As I've heard someone say in the past, "Who would want to attach to a crabby ol bitty?" She reminded us to ALWAYS focus on downloading our kids with authentic praise and treat our kids with respect even in their worst behaviors.

Dr. Purvis talked about things that they do at TCU to serve "kids from hard places" and one of the coolest things in my mind was that they created what they call a "crash and bump" room. It is a safe place for kids to get their sensory needs met. She suggested that our kids need and actually crave access to things that meet their sensory needs because they often didn't get those needs met in infancy and toddlerhood. She suggested the room should contain things like..a sit and spin, a pool of dry kidney beans, a tub of rice, mats for tumbling, hoola hoops and a barrel for rolling.

She ended by sharing what she believes are the four most important things for adoptive parents to know and understand....
1. Attachment
2. Sensory Needs and Issues
3. Brain Development
4. Neurochemistry of Fear

It is my hope that FIESTA will be bringing trainings focused on these four topics to each area of New Mexico in the next year. There is hope, there is healing..we can get there...

Carlsbad's first event!