Book Club!

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

I’m probably going to love this book, because I have kind of avoided reading it. Like I’ve said, “The title didn’t yell out, ‘Read me!” I’m trying to figure out why that is. It could be that I don’t want to look at my children’s pain, not necessarily because I would hurt so badly for them, but because it requires work on my part. (selfish, but true) It’s much easier for me to only look at what is pleasant or immediate. Easy to try and change unwanted behavior without digging into the “why’s.” Difficult to look at my child’s life without myself on a throne in the center.
The other reason I’ve avoided it, I think, is that I thought it would be a book based on generalizations. I have known many adult adoptees and have been exceptionally close to two. They both fit the category of non-curious, emotionally balanced and not interested in delving into their losses or finding a biological link. Again, I admit my own lazy attitude in assuming that my own children will follow this pattern. If one looks at her childhood with too strong a microscope, nearly everyone can claim dysfunction. Then again, putting on dark glasses to avoid seeing the hurt is the opposite pitfall, isn’t it?
So, here we go….I’m going to jump in and hope this book will help me recognize my shortcomings and motivate me to change. I truly hope that I will become the kind of parent that will be a healing force, encouraging my children to trust me with their pain, questions, and anger.
The format of this book club will evolve, I think, because new things usually do.
Please leave a comment or give me a call if you’ll be participating. After this installment, we will move to a Face Book group in order to facilitate better dialogue. I’ll put reminders on the blog and a schedule. I’ll come up with a few discussion questions, but feel free to stray from them if something strikes you while you’re reading. For now, leave your answers and thoughts as a comment. Please don’t feel as if you have to be grammatically correct or have your thoughts super-well organized. If your style is rambling and informal- all the better. This is a time for friends to learn from each other.

Chapters 1 and 2. (Introduction)
1. Are you comfortable with the author’s credentials for writing this book? Why or why not?
2. Does it seem logical to you that a pre-born infant has already bonded to her mom? Does she grieve or become confused if she is “taken away?” How does this relate to you if your child came into your life when they were older?
3. If you’d like to, please share any success or failure that came to your mind while reading the section, “How to Gain Access.”
4. Do you think that you can bring up your child’s adoption too often? Do you agree with the mother mentioned in chapter 2 who said she talks about adoption with her children every day? Can you create feelings of loss where there weren’t any by planting, even encouraging, those ideas in your child?

Carol

One Happy Mistake!

Well, my boy is out of the hospital and doing better. He’s scheduled for surgery (out-patient) in about a week and we’re hoping that he’ll be as good as new. We’ll have that book club I promised you up this next week…you are reading the “Twenty Things…” book aren’t you?

I had a cool “Fiesta” thing happen last week and couldn’t wait to tell you about it. I had arranged to go to a conference I ran across online. It’s kind of a big deal, but I hadn’t heard about it before this year- the SW Conference on Disabilities at the Convention Center in Albuquerque. I got the okay to attend, but not knowing how helpful it would be, I chose to go the day in which the most workshops were related to kids. (Everything about this conference is kind of pricey.) I also put down the big bucks to rent an eight inch piece of real estate on a table so I could park a pile of our brochures. We thought about renting an entire table, but it was either that or pay the electric bill. (I am sooo cheap- I parked about a mile away to avoid paying $6 for the parking lot. Besides, I figured I could count it as working out, as long as I could avoid getting mugged in the back ally.) After I got my bearings, I searched for our bright orange flyers on the designated table and they weren’t there! When I am in these types of situations, my Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality disorder surfaces and I have to choose one, so I put on a smile and went to find someone who looked official. After explaining the problem, the reply was, “Oh, I know about that. We made the mistake of putting them into the bags instead.” Well, Hallelujah! That option would have cost a squillion dollars more than just sticking them on the table, so now everyone who went to the conference will have an opportunity to know about us. It’s the kind of mistake that you love to hear about!

Anyway, the conference itself was very good and I learned a lot to pass on to other parents, but the best part was the people I met. I must have run across everyone who attended that had an adoption story, several of them adoptive parents themselves. What fun! Oh- and I didn’t get mugged.

Night at the Races!!!

Hi All,

Just wanted to let you all know that the night at the races was a GREAT night! We had a great turnout.... We used all 40 tickets and that didn't even include all of the little ones that got in free!!!!! There was some pretty wild racing for sure but I think the highlight of the evening was when the kids got to go down onto the track and ride along in a race car with the drivers. They all got 2 laps on the track and the checkered flags flew at the end of their ride!!!!! After racing a few families even went to the pits to meet the drivers...... It was great to have so much participation!!! Thanks to all of you who helped to make the night a success!

A Night at the Races!!!!!

Night at the Races!!!
Come join us for a night at the races!!!
The Region 1 Fiesta Project is inviting adoptive families to a Night at the Races!!!
Come join us for the final night of racing at Aztec Speedway!!!!!
I just found out that they will be doing a Kids In Cars night!!!!!
Kids aged 6 to 12 get to ride along in a real race car with the drivers!!!!!

Saturday, September 26th, 20096:00pm

R.S.V.P with Wendy 1-888-299-3014 or 505-803-3160

Attachment Training, this Saturday, Sept. 26th

"Intentional Re-Parenting"

this Saturday, Sept. 26th, from 9 to 2 pm

RSVP needed. Pls call Monica @ 505-235-7261

@ La Familia, 707 Broadway Blvd (corner of Lomas and Broadway)

TEEN NIGHT (12-19) - This Friday (9/25)

Fall is Here In the East Mtns

Camp Fire - Hotdogs - Smores - Hot Cocoa!

THIS Saturday, September 25th

5:30-8:00 @ Glotzner Homestead

RSVP to Gayle or Sue @ 877-380-3597 or Monica @ 235-7261

Call Carol for directions, 270-6219

On line book club

Don't tell Sheila, but I'm copying her great idea to start a book club by reading, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wished their Adoptive Parents Knew, by Sherrie Eldridge. (Pretend that the title is underlined in honor of my sixth grade teacher, but I can't figure out how to do it on this blog program.) I think it would be good if we follow Sheila's group in reading two chapters at a time. (Surprise! There are twenty chapters!) I know it's short notice to keep up with them, but let's try. I'll post something about the book over the weekend of the 26th of September and y'all HAVE to comment. I might have to resort to posting some outrageously crazy opinions to make you mad enough to argue with me. Remember that every comment on the blog will enter you to win the ipod in November...and... count them, you still have a pretty good chance to win. I'm looking forward to reading the book...in fact I checked out a copy from the Fiesta library just before Sheila posted that her group is reading it together. I've seen it around here and there and to be honest the title didn't yell out, "READ ME!" in my little brain. But, I've heard from other parents that it's great, so I'm looking forward to settling down in my secret hiding spot to enjoy it. Between you and me, I've had a crazy couple of weeks and as I write this, I have one kid in the hospital and two others slated for surgery soon.....this is not a normal or welcome family custom to commemorate the beginning of the flu season. Anyway, let's read the book together and compare notes.
Carol

Medication?

I recently heard from a friend who has struggled with a certain son's behavior for several years. She's upset because her husband and mother insist that she look into putting him on ritalin. She has studied attachment issues, reading every book on the subject since she and her husband adopted this son and his brother. The two boys had a background involving early abuse, abandonment and several placements. She has held off having him tested for ADHD because she has read that many children with trauma related issues present as having ADHD, when in fact, they need to work through the trauma and the attention symptoms will resolve themselves. She has observed that when she is unencumbered by other stresses in life, and free to give him extra support and attention, he is able to function normally. But since life doesn't always allow her to always concentrate only on him, his behavior digresses. She prefers not to use medication. What would you tell her?

The Little Girl Who Got it Right

Having a severely disabled son in a wheelchair, who doesn’t look a thing like me, I get used to the stares. I’ll admit that sometimes I’m just not in the mood and have been known to whisper to a child who is old enough to know better, “It’s not nice to stare.” Hopefully the kid’s dad heard it too, because he has been craning his neck to get a better look for the last six minutes. I could not believe the audacity when on one such occasion a mom said to me, “Well, I’m trying to show my daughter that people in wheelchairs want you to understand what happened to them.” Once a twelve-year-old girl rode past our campsite on a bike, then doubled back to take a second look and yelled, “What’s wrong with him?” Okay, I guess I need to work on my attitude.
It’s interesting to see how kids respond to someone in a wheelchair, depending on their age. Tiny ones waddle up to check out all the cool levers and gears and see how much they can touch before someone stops them. Four and five year olds rarely take notice. Early elementary aged kids are openly curious and sometimes stare. My own little ones, who have always had at least two family members who use wheelchairs, have sometimes stared at people in wheelchairs in public. Who can figure? I usually bend down and whisper, “It’s not nice to stare,” to my own kids.
So I’m on an outing with my son and we go into a small, mostly empty bookstore. Once in awhile I catch a glimpse of a four-year-old girl sneaking glances at us. You can just about read her mind, “Why isn’t that boy walking? Why do his eyes look so blank? Why is he all curled up? Why isn’t he talking?” She seems to be alone, so I assume she belongs to the lady at the cash register. At one point, I catch her eye and smile at her and turn a corner only to see her again. It’s like we’re being stalked by an adorable, miniature security guard. I’m not really bugged- she’s little and curious. Eventually, she approaches us shyly and asks, “What’s his name?”

Carol Gloetzner

Night at the Races!!!

Come join us for a night at the races!!!

The Region 1 Fiesta Project is inviting adoptive families to a Night at the Races!!!

Come join us for the final night of racing at Aztec Speedway

Saturday, September 26th, 2009

6:00pm

R.S.V.P with Wendy 1-888-299-3014 or 505-803-3160

Do 21 months old get alzeimers?

Our 21 month old absolutely LOVES throwng things in the trash for us, so tonight, while I was changing the 5 month old, I rolled up the dirty diaper and asked her to throw it in the trash for me. Later in the evening, as I was closing down the house for the night, I went to the kitchen windows to close the blinds. There on the window sill was the dirty diaper. She's soooo dependable on throwing things away for us, it didn't even occur to me to make sure the diaper actually went in the trash.

Sue

mean kid

I always figured that my granddaughter, Somi, would be teased at school. After all, we had dealt with the stares, questions and ugly comments since she came into our family from India. Somi’s arms end just above the elbows and although she has her own scripted answers for the curious, I couldn’t be at school to overhear. So when she came to me one day off the bus in tears, there was no surprise when she told me that a boy called her mean names. In the microsecond after her comment, my mind went several different ways, coming up with the scripts I had rehearsed to discuss racism and disabilities, starting with the question I finally asked. (I tried to hide my grandma-tiger adrenaline rush.) “What did he say?”
She answered with righteous indignation, “He called me a little kid!”

Carol Gloetzner

Fiesta Project Family Contact Northwest NM

Hello, my name is Wendy Mangum and I am the Family Contact for the NM Fiesta Project in Region 1 (Northwest NM).
My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We have 3 children, my stepson Kally (19) (who we met 3 years ago), my stepdaughter Lesslie (18) (who has been mine since she was 3), and our 10 year old son who we adopted in November 2008.
We started this journey into Relative Adoption in 2006. There have been many challenges, frustrations and days of “what were we thinking?” but those are always outweighed by the rewards.
I am excited about sharing all of the benefits that the Fiesta Project can bring to the many adoptive families in New Mexico and overjoyed to have the opportunity to bring those benefits to this area.
I love the idea of a support Group where we can share our experiences, concerns and expertise. I am excited about providing an avenue to helpful and informative Trainings and especially excited about the Family Activities where we can just get together and HAVE SOME FUN!
Please feel free to contact me by phone (1-888-299-3014 or 505-803-3160), email - wendy.mangum@la-familia-inc.org, or on this blog page and I know that together we can make this journey as fulfilling and rewarding as it should be.
:o) Wendy M.

Do you have a favorite kids' book?

I got the best suggestion the other day! (Thanks, Lara) Wouldn't it be great to compile a list of kids' books that we love? Those of us with multi-racial families or kids with disabilities especially seem to need suggestions about appropriate books. Once in awhile you run across a book that is just right. For me, that means it is well written to give my children a taste of the way that words can be beautifully put together. I love books with good illustrations, especially watercolors. But, for me the most important thing about a book is the message and that can be as simple as portraying the characters in appropriate skin shades and physical features or as complex as a twisting plot with colliding good and evil.
I have had an easier time finding preschool books that I love, than I have books for older kids. Hand Alphabet by Laura Rankin is one of my favorites. There is no text, only a hand on each page making the sign for each letter. The hands are old and young and many different colors. It’s a great book for all ages. Does it seem to you as if there is a real lack of great books for the elementary school set? Do you know of a book series that has healthy portrayals of non-white kid characters, an adopted character, or a disabled character?
Please let us know if you have a book you just love. Let us know if it fits into the category of picture book, early reader, or chapter book. Tell us why it’s a favorite of yours or your kids. It’ll be a good resource for all of our blog-visitors, give us ideas for the library and help us with choosing gifts for the kids on our lives. Thanks, Carol

Driving the bus

As I work with some families, I am hit in the face with the fact that sometimes, we as adoptive parents are losing control. And I mean that in several ways.

We start out with the wonderful idea that we are going to bring these children into our home, and it is going to be a wonderful thing. And don't get me wrong, no matter WHAT our children's behaviors, there are still many, many wonderful things. Then, the honeymoon period ends. It could be in days (like with both of our girls) or it could last months. But sooner or later, it generally ends. And then you get to meet the real child beneath. They buck the rules. They break things intentionally, etc etc etc. So now, the child/ren are driving the bus. You alter your routines to accomodate your child's behaviors. Will Tommy behave long enough to enjoy a movie? Will Jerrell go balistic when they play the birthday drums at our favorite restaurant and have to be removed? (yes, this one is one of ours...we could no longer take him to Tucano's ...a big bummer...but those drums and strange men showing up at the table with long skewers and knives...not good...no no no...not good)

We all must make certain concessions in how and what we expose our kids to, what they can handle, what they can't. But we all need to remember to not give up so much of our lives, that our lives no longer contain enough fun. Not just for the kids, but for us as well.

Then, as time goes on, and we come to the realization that our kids need professional help of some sort, either medically-behaviorally-psychologically..whatever -our kids need help. And what I am seeing happen, is parents giving up driving the bus again. Parents...YOU are the parents. You drive the bus. Not a therapist, not a doctor, not your religious leader, not your neighbor. YOU. If your therapist/doctor/leader/etc is telling you something that you know in your craw is wrong...stand up for yourself and your children. You live with them, they see them maybe 1-4 hours per month versus your life of 720 hours a month. And remember to try to speak to your children's therapist as factually, as cool headedly as possible. Even if you have to wear a scarf to hide the hair you've been pulling out,(kidding) try to portray yourself as a rational person and not someone on the brink of dispair. When your therapist tells you things that you know in your heart and mind are wrong, fight back...in the nicest, most respectable way of course.

Your child is worth the fight. And if you have to change therapists, so be it. We will help you with new referrals. There is no one size fits all for our kids, and not every professional works great with every family. If at first you don't succeed, try try again. And follow every resource. Behavior modification, sensory integration training, medication, equine therapy. If what you have tried so far for your child hasn't worked, change plans. Nothing is written in stone and just because you start with a certain professional, it doesn't mean you have to stay if you or your child are not succeeding. And if your professional is not part of YOUR team, if they are driving the bus instead of reading the map, you are very likely not going to be happy. Professionals are there to point us down the right road, to give us directions in what roads will all take us to the right locations, they are not/should not be there to be in control of your family.

Nuff said for now, off to FCM to start the process of adopting a former foster child..yippee

Sue

Reverse-Kindness Syndrome

When we adopted children who didn’t look like us, we expected to deal with friendly questions, curious looks, rude remarks and blatant racism. But one thing unexpectedly threw us off. It was a phenomenon I will call, “Reverse-kindness Syndrome.” Here’s an example- after church one Sunday, shortly after our ten-year-old Mexican nephew came to stay with us, I was approached by his Sunday school teacher. “We just love having Jose in our class!” she gushed. “He is so respectful and nice- I can’t tell you how happy I am to teach him!” What’s the problem? Our also ten-year-old, blond, blue-eyed clone son (he had attended the same class) was standing right beside us, as if invisible. It happened over and over. I’d have two darling little girls in my shopping cart, and inevitably a sweet lady stranger will exclaim, “Oh what a cute little girl!” looking at the one wearing an oxygen tube and ignoring the healthy one. The worst case, I think, was when I came out of a store with four or five assorted kids and a kind lady approached us. “God just told me that He is going to do great and amazing things through that little girl!” she prophesied with tearing eyes. She was smiling fondly at my Indian granddaughter who, by the way, has no arms, while all of the children looked on warily. I know that these people are trying to be kind. It seems petty and cruel to take offence over such encouraging words. All of my children are darn cute, thank you very much, and God has great plans for the “ordinary, run-of-the-mill” kid as well as the one who looks just a little different. In taking care to be inclusive, accepting and encouraging toward children who stand out, we need to make sure we are not excluding the ones who look like their parents. They need a boost too.
This all struck me full-force last week while waiting in line to enroll my daughter in school. I was behind a family with an absolutely beautiful fifth grade girl and her (equally beautiful) second grade sister who is disabled. “Oh, Emily!” the secretary smiled at the younger girl. “Did you have a good summer?” She did not even acknowledge that the older girl was standing right there. She went out of her way to make Emily feel accepted, but you have to wonder what a steady diet of that will do to a sibling.
I remember that every time we took our Jose to an event where volunteers were solicited from the audience, he was always picked. He was bouncy and cute and people were drawn to him. He had an outgoing personality and he enjoyed being singled out. (The other kids, who were seldom picked, had another opinion.) So what’s the best way to handle “reverse-kindness’? Is it a good or bad for the old self-esteem to be singled out and praised? Is it good for the “others” to learn to be gracious or does it cause resentment? Is it justified to accept these compliments knowing that in ten years or so, when the cuteness fades into puberty, these same kids will be the recipients of a different kind of reaction. (Jose said that, as a teenager, he often cringed to hear the sound of door locks clicking down as he walked through the parking lot at the mall.) What do you say? “Stop telling my kid that he’s cute?
Let me know what you think.

Gotta watch out for those illegal undergarments

So my friend, Maryanne and her husband, Rod (names have been changed to protect the semi-innocent), were finally going to finalize their adoption of their two kids. The kids were placed in their home as foster kids. It progressed to “It doesn't look like reunification is an option”, to “What do you think about concurrent?” and finally, “How would you like to adopt?” It became complicated, drawn out, stress-filled and then finally the big day was here. As usual, I tried to fit too many things into the morning, but I managed to get to court a few minutes early. I drove around awhile and finally realized that a close parking spot was not going to materialize. I decided to trek it. I found Rod hurrying through the parking lot also, coming from work, but I didn’t spot Maryanne. If you haven’t met Maryanne, you need to. Her contagious laugh usually precedes her. She’s high energy, fun, smart, compassionate, and sometimes a little scattered. I decided to wait just past security, keeping an eye on the clock, getting a little concerned that she wouldn’t make it in time, when I heard her laugh. Sure enough, she came hurrying into the building with her three kids dressed in their finest, combed and polished and they all proceeded through the metal detector barely in time. But then …the metal detector went off. Maryanne checked her pockets. Took off shoes and belt and tried it again. Nope. The security guard had to scan her with the wand to find the hidden offender when Maryanne got an enlightened look on her face and yelled out, “It’s my underwire bra!!” Suffice it to say, the guards backed off and let her pass without comment, the finalization went quickly and without drama and they lived happily ever after.

TEEN NIGHT THIS FRIDAY (Aug. 28th)

WEST MESA POOL PARTY!!!

6 to 8 --- Snacks Provided!

6705 Fortuna Rd NWAlbuquerque, NM 87121-1306

(505) 836-8718

Please RSVP to one of us....

Monica Cohu 1-877-380-3595
Gayle Foster 1-877-380-3597
Sue Nachor 1-877-380-3597

( They do not allow cut offs)

See Ya Friday!!!

Want to win an ipod?

This is an announcement for a so-cool-no-strings drawing for an absolutely new, positively free ipod just for leaving feedback on this blog site!

Here's our challenge- we want to get the word out about our organization to as many adoptive families as possible.

We think we've got something pretty outstanding going on here with our classes, our fun family outings, our fabulous family contacts and our unbelievable library. We just need to get more people on board. And to do that, they need to know we exist. So we thought, "What better way to get more people logging on than to offer free stuff!" So we'll start with this ipod drawing held on November 1, and then every three months, we'll announce a winner from randomly choosing an email address from our visitors. Then we'll start again with a new drawing! So spread the word! Every time you leave a comment, you get a chance to win. And while you're here, check out the schedule of events and mark your calendars. Maybe you'll even win something!

Can you help me with this problem?

In light of the upcoming school year, I've been wondering if this is something I've missed. Has anyone had an issue when a teacher assigns a "family tree" project? Have you had an adopted (or other) child who has been uncomfortable with this assignment? Any ideas on how to handle it? Is it acceptable to just tell your child to use his adopted family tree or is this disrespectful to his true heritage? Please comment.

New Parent Contact

Okay, so I go to my job interview with Megan Walsh here at La Familia for a position with this new service called NM Fiesta Project. I’ve met Megan before and she seems normal enough and not too threatening…still it’s my first job interview in about 34 years, so I’m feeling a little nervous. Should I wear the business suit and heels? Not finding anything that fits that category in my closet (okay, it’s hard to find anything but jeans….some days it’s even a challenge to find the closet) I did manage to get a shower and at least get there clothed and on time. I had already given Megan my basic information, so the first thing she said was, “Tell me about your interest in N.M. Fiesta,” and she poised her pen to take notes. I explain…

My husband, Ron, and I have twelve kids, five girls, seven boys, four adopted, seven grown, five at home, six bio, ten can walk, two use wheelchairs, ten grandkids, multiple pets, lots of doctor appointments, and four have special needs…okay fine, in this family we all have “special needs”. We have done specialized foster care through ARCA for about ten years. During that time we have fed kids through g tubes, given them oxygen, nebulizer treatments and meds, helped with prosthetics, devised ways to motivate acceptable behavior, answered the same autistic-driven question 472 times in one day, made untold numbers of mistakes, but mostly just made sure the teeth were brushed and the stories read and everybody tucked into bed on time.

I love to read any book related to adoption, (have you checked out the library here!?) love to help other parents find solutions to challenges or just be there to understand. We need each other because some of the things we go through as adoptive families cannot be understood by our best friends, our families, our bartenders or our pastors. Okay, I probably didn’t say exactly that, but something like.

So, can you believe it? I got the job! And I get a whole subcategory to myself! I’m here to support families who have adopted kids with special needs. You know when you start something new and you are excited and get inspired with all these great and interesting and outlandish ideas? Well, I’ve come up with a couple that actually have a chance of working, so I’m ready to get started. Please, please contact me if you have a suggestion, comment, challenge or just want to chat about your family. I can’t believe I actually get paid to do this! Come and introduce yourself if you see me at an event… I’m the young, beautiful blond with the perfectly behaved children….okay that’s a lie, you’ll have to look for my name tag.

Carol Gloetzner

TWEEN NIGHT (6 to 12 years old)

GOLFERNOGGIN'S

4910-B Lomas Blvd. NE 999-1067

Sunday, August 9th, 3 to 5 pm

Pls RSVP to Gayle @ 385-4797 -OR- Donna Payne @ 401-5067

* We ask that at least one parent per family attend.

ABQ - TEEN NIGHT (13 to 19)

BROOM HOCKEY & Pizza

Friday, July 31st

Outpost Ice Areana in ABQ

9530 Tramway Blvd. NE... 856-7595

6 to 8:30 pm

Call Monica by Wed. to reserve your space... 235-7261

Family Fun Appreciation Night

A Fun Activity for the Whole Family

Please join us on July 28, 2009 For Appreciation Celebration For
Adoptive and Foster Families

WHAT
FREE !!!!!!!!! Family event at Active Fun Golf & Go Karts Center;
Providing Mini Golf, Go Karts & food

DATE/TIME:
Tuesday, July 28th, 2009 5:30 pm to 8:30 pm

WHERE:
Active Fun Golf & Go-Karts: 220 Glacier Drive, Alamogordo
Across the street from Sonic Please sign in when you arrive.

WHO’S INVITED
Adoptive and families in New Mexico Licensed CYFD Otero County Foster Families

Limited space available

For questions or to register please call Kristi @ 505-803-3424 or 575-491-2448

FAMILY POOL PARTY & PICNIC in ABQ

This Sunday, July 26th, 5 to 8 pm
RESERVATIONS MUST BE MADE BY TODAY (the 23rd) by 1:30 pm
Call Monica with names of all adults and how many children @ 235-7261

Party is at Kirtland Airforce Base, Come in @ Wyoming Gate
We provide Life Guards, Hamburgers, Hotdogs, Sodas, and Water.
Pls bring a side dish or dessert to share
(there is also sand volley ball and a playground)

Website Change!!!!

Please add www.nmfiestaproject.org to your favorites...This blog will soon become a forum for discussion and all events will be listed on the new website.

FARMINGTON EVENTS

1. Friday, July 24th @ CYF office, 6:30 to 8:30 Pre-Adoption & Adoption SUPPORT GROUP (child care provided)
2. Saturday, July 25th @ Sycamore Community Center, 10-2 "The Dance of Attachment" with Traci Tippett (child care & lunch provided) RSVP to Wendy Mangum; Family Contact @ 505-803-3160

Call Wendy Mangum with any questions or concerns 505-803-3160

FAMILY POOL PARTY

Sunday, July 26th, 5 to 8 pm

FAMILY POOL PARTY

(Kirtland Airfoce Base)

We'll provide hotdogs, burgers, sodas & water.

Pls bring a side dish or dessert to share.

RESERVATIONS ARE A MUST!!!

Pls call Monica by Thursday, July 23rd @ 505-235-7261.

Names have to be given previous to party to get everyone on the base.

Pool is by officers club. Outdoor pool, Sand volley ball and Playground.

TWEEN NIGHT (6 TO 12 years old)

Wednesday, July 22nd, 6 to 7:30 pm @ La Familia

TWEEN NIGHT!!!

Jewelry Making/ Come meet new friends!

Chips and Dip provided.

One parent per family is requested to be there.

Pls call Sue or Gayle, Donna, or Monica for questions.

RSVP not required, but recommended, 235-7261

Lifebook Training!

FRIDAY NIGHT TEEN NIGHT

Hinkle Family Fun Center

This Friday Night, June 26th

Teens 13 to 18 years old

Call Gayle and Sue, if intersted...

1-877-380-3597

This weekend in Farmington

This Friday and Saturday, June 26 and 27th:

Friday at the CYFD office in Farmington, 6:30 - 8:30 GANG ISSUES IN FARMINGTON AND INTERVENTION..free childcare...

Saturday: From 10AM to Noon, at Civitan North Park, Family Picnic, food and drinks provided...please bring own chairs or blankets..Please RSVP to Monica at 505-235-7261.

GALLUP PICNIC

Friday, June 19th, 6 to 8 pm

Romero Park in Gallup

(8th Street and Logan Ave.)

Dinner, Water, and Soda Provided - You bring lawn chairs or a blanket

Gallup Families, we want to meet you, your children, and hear what you are needing!

Contact Sheila if you able to come... bpkruis@yahoo.com

We Hope To See You There!

For all you FACEBOOKERS out there!!!

ABQ Nurtured Heart

A new Facebook Group we started in response to the wonderful Nurtured Heart training we had on Saturday, June 6th ... Please join in for discussion and thoughts and updates on further opportunities for training. Go to Facebook and search for "ABQ Nurtured Heart".

INTENTIONAL RE-PARENTING training

ROSWELL. NM @ the CYF Office

1 to 5 pm

Dinner & Child Care Provided

Please call Yvonne Saiz to reserve your space!

505-550-5160

DD Waiver Training

This training will be held at the La Familia, Inc. office suite 201 on Tuesday, July 28 from 6 pm to 8 pm. Please RSVP to Erika Tode (505) 766-9361 if you will be attending. This training will be a general overview of the DD Waiver program, discussing topics such as who is eligible and applying, time frames, and services offered. If you have any specific questions that you would like addressed, please let me know so that I can forward that information to the trainers.

TEEN PIZZA NIGHT - ABQ

OLD TOWN PIZZA

108 Rio Grande NWAlbuquerque, NM 87104

(505) 999-1949

This Friday Night, May 29th
5 to 7 pm/ 13 to 18 years old

Come join us for pizza, soda, and meet other teens who have been

adopted or live in adoption families.
Parents, the ABQ Family Contacts will be there to facilitate and serve lots of pizza! All we need from you are contact numbers.

Go enjoy a dinner out or a walk around Old Towne

RSVP, not required, but prefered!

Feel free to call us if you have any questions or comments:

1-877-380-3597, 1-877-696-2502, or 1-877-380-3595

Saturday Night Bingo.

Bingo Night!!! We will be holding Bingo night for all adoptive families on Saturday, May 9th, starting at 5pm..and running to 9pm. This is for the entire family, not just the parents...a nice, clean night out. We will be serving Frito Pies and Hot Dogs for the kids, lots of fun, and prizes too!! Location is:

The Art Center Design College
5000 Marble NE...
if you get lost call Sue at 550-9314. See you there!!! Come and mingle with other adoptive families who share your journey. 2 blocks west of San Mateo and 1 block north of Lomas.

Special thanks to Toni for letting me know there was no time posted.

Free Family Fishing Clinic in Santa Fe

FREE FAMILY FISHING CLINIC
ALTO PARK-SANTA FE,NM

On Saturday May 30th NM Game and Fish along with Santa Fe Watershed Association is sponsoring a Free Family Fishing Clinic
This is a clinic to familiarize everyone with fishing gear, bait, and tackle.
I will be at this event representing FIESTA.
I need to have families that are interested to please call me or message me via e-mail. I can then plan accordingly for food.
This clinic is to get everyone ready for the Fishing Derby and River Festival on
June 6, 2009
Also look online at www.santafewatershed.org for more information.
Thank you for all your hard work!! Now,it's time to play!!
Tim Martinez-505 470-6941/ tim.martinez@la-familia-inc.org

Santa Fe Meet and Greet

Santa Fe Meet and Greet Scheduled!!
If you cant make it to the meet and greet in Farmington...
Well, you are most graciously invited to Santa Fe ,NM!!
on
Sunday, May 17th
Wild Oats Community Center
4:00-7:00pm
Corner of Cordova and St. Francis Drive(behind Wild Oats!)
The meet and greet will be a great starting point to build strong relationships with other people and families in our community.
There will be food and drink for all who attend.
There will be no formal childcare, but please bring all your kiddos!
Bring all of your ideas too!
If you have any questions, please call 1-877-683-1079 or
e-mail me: tim.martinez@la-familia-inc.org

FARMINGTON AREA - Meet N' Greet

Saturday, May 2nd

3 to 5 pm

@ the CYF office in Farmington

MEET N' GREET

Come find out what the FIESTA Project is all about!

Bring the ENTIRE family and meet other Adoption Families.

We want to hear from you and what you are needing.

Call Monica, with any questions or comments @ 505-235-7261

Hair Care Training....Albuquerque....4/19

Albuquerque Hair Care Training Update!

Hello everyone! I just wanted to post an update and some photos from our wonderful, African American natural hair care training. We met on Sunday, 4/19, at La Familia with Neema Kamaria Hanifa, our amazing instructor. We learned a bit of history and hair politics and got a lot of product advice. We had our models help us learn a few techniques too! The feedback I've heard thus far is that we need Neema back for a two-day training!!

Just to let you all know that we have an expanding Hair Care section at the NM Fiesta lending library...there are books about history, how-to and books for kids!

Thank you Neema!

ps....I apologize for the blurred photos....does anyone have any better ones to share!?

Thank you!! Northern New Mexico!!

On April 14th Northern New Mexico had a very successful training with Traci Tippett.
The "Dance of Attachment" training was held in Española,NM,
we had a great turnout, with a good mix of Adoptive parents, Foster parents and CYFD staff.
We provided childcare for Twenty-one children!!
Please keep posted for the next training, support group, and Family gathering!!
Please call or message me with any questions or for more information about NM FIESTA!!
Again thank you to all that participated!!
Tim Martinez- 1-877-683-1079/ tim.martinez@la-familia-inc.org

*****Reminder*****

African American Hair Care Training

Sunday, April 19th

4pm to 6:30pm

La Familia

Training Room: 2nd Floor

Please RSVP to me, Deborah Hill (and/or feel free to contact me for questions)

Phone: 505-553-0980 or email: dkhill@la-familia-inc.org

In your RSVP, please let me know how many attendees and if you'll need child care.

EAST MTN. SUPPORT GROUP

Sunday, April 19th, 2 to 4 pm

Mountain Valley Church

5 Dinkle Rd.

Edgewood, NM

Child Care & Teen Supervision Provided

(call ABQ warm lines for more information)

Physical address for Training-ESPANOLA

Hello Everyone!
I wanted to post the physical address for the "Dance of Attachment" training to be held in Española Tuesday April 14th 2009.

New Creation In Christ Ministries

314 N Riverside Dr, Espanola, NM 87532

Located on the "Main drive" (Riverside) on the East side of the Rio Grande. If you have any questions, please call or message. Hope to see you there! Tim
1-877-683-1079 or tim.martinez@la-familia-inc.org

Region Two- First Training!!

Well, the ball is rolling! I have a confirmed a date and site for "Traci Tippett- Coming to Northern New Mexico"!! I have to say, Traci has a great training going on. She has been all over the State, but not in our neighborhood...Until now! Here are the details:

Traci Tippett
Dance of Attachment Training

Tuesday, April 14th
New Creation in Christ Ministries
Espanola, New Mexico
5:30-8:30pm
We will get you fed, and have childcare!

This will be the first training in North Central New Mexico! If you have any questions please call! Here's my number: 1-877-683-1079 or e-mail me: tim.martinez@la-familia-inc.org

Jane Brown

Jane Brown, internationally recognized adoption and foster care professional, returns to Albuquerque, New Mexico for the seventh year. On Friday, May 15 (6-9 pm), Jane will teach practical skills to help adoptive parents and professionals communicate effectively with adopted youngsters. On Saturday and Sunday, May 16-17, Jane will use creative and fun activities to sensitively address common experiences and challenges of adoptive families in her Playshops for children and teens. For more information and a registration form, visit: http://www.nmoi.org/files/JaneBrownNM09.pdf

The first 25 FIESTA participants to register will recieve free admission to Friday night's lecture.

ABQ Adoption Support Group

Sunday, April 5th
2 to 4 pm @ La Familia (Broadway & Lomas)
(child care provided)

Pls call with any questions:
1-877-380-3597
1-877-696-2502
1-877-380-3595

Socorro Meet and Greet

REMINDER:

JOIN US FOR A

Region 5 Meet and Greet in Socorro
DATE: Wednesday, March 11, 2009
TIME: 4:00pm to 7:00pm

PLACE: : First Baptist Church
203 Spring Street SW
Socorro, NM 87801

Need Information Contact: Kristi or Amy

EAST MTN. ADOPTION/PRE-ADOPT SUPPORT GROUP

Sunday, March 15th

2 to 4 pm

Moutain Vailley Church

5 Dinkle Rd.

Edgewood, NM 87015

This is a Once-A-Month support system.

Child Care is provided, if needed - Please contact Monica @ 235-7261.

Whether you need support or have support to share, we hope to see you there!

Feel free to call Monica with any questions or comments.

Region 5 Attachment Training

Region 5 Attachment Training
NM FIESTA project had their first Training in the Southwest Region ( Alamogordo, Otero County) on March 4, 2009. Families from Lincoln, and Otero County gathered at the Willie Estrada Memorial Civic Center to attend Attachment Training presented by Traci Tippett of NMSU.
NM FIESTA Family Consultant Kristi Cullers gave an introduction to the project and upcoming event, training and activities for region 5, The importance of embracing their children and how this project can help network families.
Shari Cosentino with CYFD gave a presentation on the importance of continuing education for foster and adoptive families and how the department was partnering with La Familia and the NM Fiesta Project to bring these services to families around the state.
This was a truly inspiring training with over 40 people in attendance “One family stated that Traci used real situations that we could relate to and understand, things we deal with daily”
Families were excited to learn new way to parent children with attachment issues, as well as understand some of what the children with attachment issues endure and cope with.
A dinner meal of Hearty soups and a variety of salads was served as well as Hotdogs for all the kids that attended, The Children enjoyed activities such as movies, games and making beaded necklaces, playing with new friends, in a separate room all while their parent were engaged in the training.

At the end of the Training, families completed a survey about their support needs and training ideas. Drawings for door prizes were award to two families. Congratulations, To Bambi Alvord and Myrna Hughston!!!
The evening came to a close with a time for individuals to speak one on one with Traci, mingle, and networking amongst each other. This was a great Training, Families were inspired, people connecting, and encouraged
It was an amazing!

Kristi

How to Care for African-American Hair!

Hello everyone! Deborah Hill here...I am a trainer and family support advocate with the NM Fiesta Project. My family was created through adoption and I am thrilled to share with folks all of the great hair lessons I have learned in our journey of transracial adoption! To help in this endeavour (since I am not an expert by any stretch)....we will be hosting the fabulous, Neema Kamaria Hanifa, of Kamaria Creations Natural Hair Salon and Day Spa for a workshop here in Albuquerque. Neema has been an inspiration to me and to my little girl, Lizelle, and has taught me so much!

The workshop will be held on Sunday, April 19th from 4pm to 6:30pm at La Familia in the second floor training room. The exciting topics to be covered are:
1. Basic product knowledge/selecting the best hair style for your child
2. Proper shampoo and comb-out techniques
3. Parting and sectioning the hair
4. Basic two strand twists and braiding techniques
5. Blow-out and cornrows
6. Understanding hair types / African Hair Culture

Neema asks that participants bring your combs, brushes and products normally used at home so that she can make individual evaluations of your needs.

Please RSVP to me, Deborah Hill (and/or feel free to contact me for questions)
phone: 505-553-0980 or email: dkhill@la-familia-inc.org
In your RSVP, please let me know how many attendees and if you'll need child care.

We will have childcare...but, we hope you'll bring your children to learn with!!

Hope to see you there!
Deborah Hill CNM, CFNP

Support for Region 2 -Tim Martinez

Hello there! My name is Timothy Martinez and I am the new support/contact person for the NE region of New Mexico.
I was Humbled when I was thought of for this position. It is a true pleasure to be in the company of the other support/contact people associated with FIESTA.
I am the father of four wonderful children,Alex 11,Lonnie 10, Lenora 6, and Renee 5. Along with my wife Marie, we have fostered many wonderful children through the nine, almost ten, years being involved with CYFD.
Marie and I started this journey in July of 2000, when we received a phone call about two children that needed a Forever Home. Without hesitation we started to get everything ready for our two new kids! Since that time we have adopted two more. Is there more in our future? Only God knows the answer to that question, but my heart, as well as my wife's, is dedicated solely to our children and the children that need and are looking for Forever homes this very night.
Thank you for taking the time to read just a glimpse of the Martinez' story.
I would like everyone to know that this position is a Great Honor, and one that I will devote to making strong ties with other Families that have adopted or are thinking about adopting. I also look forward to the group meetings,trainings, and group outings that will be starting in the very near future.
Please feel free to contact me via e-mail, blog, or telephone. I would love to hear the thoughts and ideas of everyone in Region 2, and all of New Mexico! Together we can move mountains!
Best Regards,
Timothy M. Martinez

Center for Development and Disabilities

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to post this web site for the CDD for families looking for information and free trainings for those who support persons with autism.

The web site is:
http://cdd.unm.edu/SWAN/calendar/index.htm
and it has some very helpful information and useful trainings in our state.

Region Three FIESTA KICKOFF EVENT

Today was the day that the FIESTA project truly got underway. Families from Rio Rancho, Albuquerque, Los Lunas, Belen and Moriarty gathered at the Art Design College to meet the NM FIESTA Family Contacts from their region (Donna, Gayle, Monica and Sue) and other families. After the Family Contacts gave an introduction to the project, teenage and adult adoptees spoke about their experiences and shared advice with those listening. They talked about the importance of parents embracing their children for who they are and welcoming them wholeheartedly into the family. Meanwhile, younger kids played with their new friends and enjoyed the wonderful meeting space. Families completed a survey about their support needs and training ideas. Those forms were used in a drawing for some door prizes. Congratulations, Winners!! The day came to a close with a time for mingling, conversation and cake. Informal respite connections were made, therapy referrals were provided and people were encouraged! It was an amazing event!

Hello Everyone!
My name is Penny Bailey and I am very excited to have the opportunity to be a part of the FIESTA project! I will be a contact and support person for families statewide who have adopted medically fragile/medical special needs children. I have a special place in my heart for these adoptive families as we too, have adopted a medically fragile child.My husband and I have been foster parents for the last 5 years. We have two children by birth who are 11 and 9 and two children through adoption who are 4 and 3. Our three year old, D, is our med frag kiddo. D was born at 34 weeks. He has Fetal Valproate Syndrome and Fetal Alcohol Effect. He was born with a severe cranial defect, craniosynostosis. He is developmentally delayed. BUT...make no mistake, he is a wonderful, incredible child, who is the light of our home. We face many challenges with D, both behaviorally and medically, but would not trade him for the world. Making the decision to adopt a child can be the most joyful, scary decision of your life. Making the decision to adopt a child with lifelong medical needs is all the more difficult. I am hoping that by participating in this project with La Familia I can help provide support to each of you. I hope to help create support groups where you all feel safe expressing your frustrations and joys! I am hoping that we can find some regional contacts for DD Waivers and Medically Fragile so that we can all have some concrete, accurate guidance in navigating these programs. We are still working on structuring my role in this project and I would love to hear from each of you about what your specific needs are. I look forward to working with you all! Penny :)

Tips On Finding A Therapist

Finding a therapist can be a challenging and frustrating task. It may mean driving for more time than you expected or spending hours making phone calls. The benefits far out way any inconveniences you may run into. A strong and supportive relationship with a therapist can be a Life-Line.

Here are some basic guidelines and a check list to finding the right fit for you and your family.

State and private agencies can be good resource for referrals.

If you call a therapist and they can not work with you because of scheduling , time frames, or incompatible insurance ask them who they would recommend.

The best thing to do is sit down with pencil and paper and start calling. Sometimes you will just know it is a fit when you talk to them.

Therapist Check-list (as it pertains to your child and family):
□ Have they had experience working with children with emotional
&/or behavioral struggles?
- Have they worked with children that have been in state custody?
- Do they have knowledge of international adoption issues?
- Do they have a understanding of cultural issues that would pertain
to your child or family?

□ Is their philosophy to work with the entire family or just the child?
- Parenting children who have been through trauma or who have
mental illnesses requires different skills.
- Does the therapist bring ‘Re-Parenting’ training and support
to parents and the entire family? Do not for get that your birth
children need continual help adjusting also.
- Traditional parenting skills do not work with many children who
have been through severe trauma or children with ADHD, Autism,
Fetal Alcohol Syndrom/Effects, or Reactive Attachment Disorder).

□ Do you get the feeling ‘you’ can be totally vulnerable with them?
- Raising children that have been through trauma can be extremely
frustrating and isolating. Many times friends and family do not
understanding. You will need to be working with a therapist that
you can be gut-honest with).

□ Does the therapist have a growing relationship with his or her
own significant other and/or children? You will pick up on cues over
time.
- Therapist can only take clients as far as they have been willing to
grow.

□ After you have been to see this therapist 3 or 4 times, you should
be sensing whether it is or not a good fit.

Finding the right fit for you and your family is a worth while endeavor. Though it can be intimidating it is not impossible.

Flexibility and willingness to learn something new will bring hope, joy, and even peace to you, your child, and entire family.

Teen Attachment Cycle

Check out this interesting twist on the attachment cycle.

http://everythingadoption.blogspot.com/2007/03/teen-attachment-cycle.html

Carlsbad's first event!

Events are Scheduled!

Events are being scheduled all around New Mexico for adoptive families. Support groups, family activities and trainings will be held in each region before the end of March. Please check out the events listed under your region on the left side of the blog. We look forward to seeing you soon!

Cross Cultural Adoption

I don’t look like my mommy
People have started to say
I don’t look like my mommy
So I asked her why one day

“Some babies are so special,
They come in different ways
Some must wait for their babies
For days and days and days

Some babies come from close by
The Mom who had them could not stay
Other Mommies are waiting for them
For a baby they pray and pray and pray

Other babies are born in a far-away land
The mommy who had them no longer there
But some Mommies fly across the sea
A baby’s love to share

You may have a different skin color
Or a different kind of hair
But the love Mommy has for her baby
Will truly always be there

No matter how you or I look
One thing will always be true
You are my precious baby
And I will always love you"


~Victoria Carrington

Open Letter to Adoptive Parents

This is an open letter to families who are wondering if adoption of older children is their path or those struggling to parent their older adopted child from a family with 12 children (10 adopted from the U.S. foster system and Africa).

Monday, January 26, 2009
Older Children; Adoption

When Brent and I started foster care back in 2002, we were incredibly young. We were also intimidated and a little fearful. It helped knowing that it was where God was leading us, but even that didn't cast the doubts away. When the social worker asked what age groups we were willing to take...which special needs...ect, Brent and I hesitantly stated we would only be comfortable fostering children five and under. My oldest, D, was only four. I couldn't imagine parenting a child older than him. I looked at the social worker sheepishly and stated, "I don't know how to parent a child older than D. Five is my limit." She smiled and said she understood.
Brent and I filled out mountains of paperwork...hours worth of paperwork. I stared at the masses and wondered if we would ever get through it all. Brent and I would work on it little by little. The questions tended to be repetitive and after a while they all seemed to run together. The more I read, the less fearful I became. At one point a question asked: "Would you be willing to take a pregnant teenager or a teenage mother?" I thought to myself, "sure why not," and checked the box. Then forgot about it.
Two months passed. Brent and I waited anxiously for any word on our foster care license. We were told that we could possibly be called with a child at the same time, and so we tried to prepare ourselves for the unknown. We didn't know anyone personally that fostered kids. I also wasn't one to go looking for advice from others. So we really were embarking on a new adventure.
One day in October we finally got a call from a social worker. "Danielle, I have a two week baby boy for you, " she said hopefully.
"Really?!" I exclaimed. It seemed to good to be true.
"AND" she added without missing a beat, "his fifteen year old mommy." My breath came out in a whoosh. Then I got chills...and peace. Strange that I would have so much peace in such a challenging endeavor. I explained that I needed to talk to my husband, but that I would call her back within the hour.
My husband didn't seem nearly so caught off guard. His response was, "Sure, why not?" It was the beginning of a four year journey with the foster care system. After my daughter, L (the 15 year old) came, God opened our eyes to the real need; good Christian families for older children. We changed our five and under age range to 18 and younger (girls only). In that time span God brought 7 teenage girls through our home. Each one was amazing, special, and oh so challenging. A few of them left, and I grieved. A few of them left with my heartfelt relief.
Years later, I can still remember staring at P's picture on the adoption site thinking, "No one is ever going to take her." She had a pained expression on her face that spoke volumes of what was to come for any well intentioned parent. I pulled up her picture every day and prayed for her. I finally told Brent that I really felt God had meant her for our family. He laughed at me. We were already in the process of adopting B and M. Our finances for adoption were spent. Brent told me that if she was still there when we got our little girls home, and if the finances were there, we would go back for her. Yet I knew we wouldn't. When you ignore those feelings and do nothing...it becomes too easy.
I received a letter from a lady who's organization advocated for adoption of children around the world. She asked if I would speak on adopting older children for a fundraiser, as she knew that's where my heart was. I wrote her back a very passionate email. I literally poured out my heart. In return I got a very excited response. I suppose she couldn't wait to hear from me, as she then called me only moments later. She told me about this young girl in the orphanage that was so desperate for a home. I listened intently, but immediately recognized the girl she was talking about. She was talking about my P. I asked her bluntly if P was this girl. To say she was surprised would be an understatement. I explained that I had been praying for her and expressed what my husband told me. Within minutes she hung up to call the director of the orphanage.
The money had been worked out...the timing (because we started B and M's adoptions in Jan. and it was May) had been worked out so P could come home at the same time. It would seem that God orchestrated every move...we only had to say yes. The things that fly through my mind at the moment of making a decision are scarce. I often wish I had the foresight to worry about things before I make a decision. I suppose that's why God blessed me with Brent. He's the "what if" kind of thinker. My response was immediate and impulsive...YES. Brent was rather more quiet, and said we would have to think about it some more.
Strangely, I don't like to think when I am making a decision. I especially don't like to think when it comes to adoption. I would have missed out on so many blessings had I thought them away. None of our children came as perfect---the odds are in their favor---kind of children. I would much rather follow my heart and follow wherever God leads, than follow a rational thinking process. After a few hours, Brent conceded. We were bringing home a bouncing eleven year old Liberian girl who looked as though she hated the world. P's picture definitely made it harder to explain the news of our latest addition in joyous terms to relatives.
So what happens after you follow your heart and don't think about the consequences? You then spend the next few weeks of waiting thinking about consequences. I did too. Every negative thought that could possibly exist entered into my head. I was thankful there was only a short time before I was to travel and bring my daughters home. I thought about the "Possible Reactive Attachment Disorder; should be youngest or only in the home" label that had been attached under Precious's picture often. I wondered loudly to God, "What am I going to do?"
Why am I writing this today? For the last several years I have listened to idle comments about adoption; the challenges of adoption older children, the hardships, and the heartaches. I have watched the disruption rate soar and have seen families destroyed. I have seen beautiful children crying out for a voice to be heard. They want a family. Regardless of their issues, traumas, and abuse; they still want a family. These children don't always show it. They aren't appreciative and thankful. In fact, often times they rarely manage any resemblance of a smile. Yet they are children...not adults that can think, understand, and reason everything through. They weren't raised to understand logic or consequences. Most weren't raised with morals or an understanding of values. In truth, most were raised in a situation where survival was of the utmost importance.
So what does that mean for us, as adults? That means we still have to step out and take a chance when God opens the door. It means we need to understand where our children are coming from and have reasonable expectations. This also means that we as parents have to put safe guards in place for the rest of our family. It amazes me at the number of families that move an older child into their home with complete trust and naivety. I often ask, "Would you bring a strange man or woman into your home and let them sleep in your little children's bedroom?" No. Then it would only make sense to build trust and understanding with your child that has lived a very different life, who doesn't know the rules, and doesn't understand how your family lives.
Adopting an older child means that you get to learn about him or her, just as you did when you met your spouse. This child has a past, most likely a traumatized one, that doesn't include you. Older children have likes and dislikes that were formed without you. Love. The real Love, the unconditional Love, takes time to build and grow. Did I love all of my children from the first hello? Yes and no. Yes, I loved them in the fact that they were my children. No, in the sense that I didn't have a clue who they were. One of the blessings of adopting an older child is the process of getting to know him or her.
In a nut shell...here are some things I learned about adopting older children:
-They have to earn trust...it is not given.
-Love is a choice. I chose to love them and the feelings fall into place in time.
-Never...never...put a child in a situation where you expect something that either tempts them to do wrong or is above their capabilities. (This would cover putting an older child in a room with a younger one without supervision)
-Expect that they will come with no morals, values, understanding of your culture (even if they are domestically adopted). Also note that you can change their behaviors, but not their hearts. That's where God has to come in.
-Understand that older children have a higher risk of being sexually active/abused. This is especially the case in African countries. Think about it; there are seven kids living with mom in a one room hut with her boyfriend. Children pick up on things at a young age...mostly out of curiosity. So even if your child is active, it doesn't necessarily mean abuse. However, abuse is very high. Many times children don't even view it as abuse. They just don't understand the idea of being a victim. In the US, many of my foster children had no parenting. Almost all had no father. So it stands to reason that in our highly sexualized country, sexual activity would happen at a young age (as young as 8 or 9 for girls).
-Expect that your child may not respond at first to discipline. This one was interesting. In Liberia, they still have corporal punishment. P was literally beaten until she bled with a stick. Z jokes about how her birth mom would beat her with a rotting. It is just how it is done. In their defense, the people of Liberia have some of the most well behaved children I have ever seen. So you can imagine how well the children respond to "time outs" when they get to America. Especially since most of their orphanage life was spent in squalor staring at a dirty wall quietly with nothing to do. All I can say is "Consistency, consistency, consistency." Whatever you do, don't waiver. Eventually they get the point.
-Education. Most of the older children in the foster care system are behind in school and development. They are usually in Special Education. Not all, mind you, but a good deal. I would say about half of my foster children were in special education classes. In African countries...Oh dear. Well that one can be really tough. Most of my day to day struggles with my Liberian girls is education. My girls were never really taught how to use their brain in that fashion, so it's almost like you have to reprogram them to think.
-Attachment and bonding. Expect that your child won't know how to respond to a simple hug. Both foster, domestic, and international alike would look at me strangely when I asked for a hug at bed time. P said that I was the first person ever to hug her. She still remembers when she met me, because I hugged her. "It felt so nice," she stated a few weeks ago. In fact your child probably won't even love you for a few months...years. It's a hard thing to accept some times, but I have long gotten used to hearing "I hate you" and "I wanna go back to Africa" and "I can't wait to leave here." Thankfully we've gotten to a stage now where they tell me later they are sorry. They also are able to express their anger in other ways. Expect that your heart will accumulate a few scars, hence making it a little tougher.
-Expect food hoarding. Most children from worldly situations come in with feelings of neglect and a sense of being out of control. Children learn that they can control food...until you learn that you can, as the parent, control food too. One of my daughters would sit at the dinner table for hours, just because she wanted to. It was exasperating to watch and eventually we had to put an hour time limit on her. She's eating just fine now.
-There may be bed wetting. Yes, even older children wet the bed. This is especially so when they are feeling insecure. NEVER...yell or get upset about your child wetting the bed. It only makes the situation worse. Then you will have to play the game "Let's find where my child hid their soiled laundry." Not fun.
-Don't overwhelm them. I find that we try to overcompensate a bad childhood or lack of one, with all of the materialism and such that our life has to offer. This isn't necessarily a good thing.
-When bringing a child from another country...know that they are going to have to get used to a whole new life. It takes time. Sometimes I look back at P's first days in America and I just have to laugh. We often didn't get that she just couldn't grasp concepts like flushing the toilet and not putting toilet paper in the trash. It seemed like such a big deal...and the reality was so minor. There is a scene in ELF, when he is looking at the escalator. He puts his foot on...then of with lots of drama. P did that at Brussels Airport with the escalator. Every time that part of the movie comes up, I laugh so hard remembering P.
-I am my child's parent, not their friend. They don't need another friend...they have all kinds of those already. They need the love and security that only a parent can give. I would say that this challenged me most when I was 26 and D was 16. I had friends in their early twenties and she was used to "hanging out" with people in their twenties. Some how we had to establish boundaries and make it clear that I was the parent. Yes, we had a relationship...but the friendship didn't grow until after she was married. Even now, she knows that I am the mom in her life. It wasn't formed by how she acted, but rather by my own actions. I am the one she comes to for advice or comfort. I know the importance of having that role in your life, especially with the lack of one in my own.
-Most of all, remember God is in control. He can do anything...even when it appears hopeless. Don't give up. Don't give up on your child. Love can do amazing things.

Hello from Kristi in Southern New Mexico

Hello, My name is Kristi Cullers I am also very excited about this project. As one of your family contacts in the southwest region. Together we are going to achieve many great things. Its going to be fun, challenging and wonderful to get to know other adoptive parents. NM Fiesta is going to enlighten and help out many families that are in need of support, advise, friendships, activities and trainings as we all have adoption in common. My Husband Todd and I have been married for 17 wonderful years. We have three great children all through adoption. Chad 16, Trey 5 and Dakota 3. Our journey with adoption started almost 10 years ago with our first adoption final in 2005 and the most recent in November 2008. We have also fostered many different children throughout the years. We have one 6 year old boy placed with us now. We always enjoy having a house full of kids.In 2005 I became a Liaison for Otero County,(Alamogordo) working with many different children, families and the community. I look forward to working to ensure that all adoptive families have support for their journey's through the process of adoption and memories for years to come. I feel I have alot to offer. I love to share my adoption stories and experience with others. I await to hear from families in the southwest region. Kristi

Hello from Yvonne in Carlsbad!

Hi, my name is Yvonne Saiz and I'm very excited about being a part of NM Fiesta Project. I am looking forward to meeting everyone and working with you all. I have eight children at home. My daughter is 23 and my son is 15. I am legal guardian to one child who is 18, I have adopted two girls, ages 14 yrs. and 2 yrs old and 1 boy who is 12 yrs. old. I am waiting to adopt another child who is 15 yrs old and I have one foster child who is 7 yrs old.

Hello from Sue & Gayle

Hello, and as the rest of our team says, we are soo happy and excited to be here and to have this project get off the ground.

Gayle and I, as lesbian partners and parents, hope to bring hope to those gay and lesbian adoptive parents who have questions to ask specific to being a gay or lesbian parent to these amazing children.

We have two adopted children, both girls, and currently have two foster children, a boy and girl. Our first adoption was 6 years ago, our second two years later, and started fostering in '07. I (Sue) have two grown bio children, three step-children and our current brood. These adopted and foster children are Gayle's first venture into parenting. Both of our adopted children had been Treatment Foster Children, full of problems and amazing challenges. They were both deemed virtually unadoptable after many failed attempts. Never give up hope for these kids.

We are very excited to be on the starting voyage and are waiting for your calls.

FAMILY CONTACT - ABQ area

Hello, my name is Monica Cohu. 'YEA' New Mexico for putting this support program together. This is a MUCH needed program.

My husband and I have been Foster Parents for over 3 years. We have 3 children, 2 of which have been adopted. Like so many of you, we have had many difficulties with raising our kids. So many times we have felt so alone and that we were never going to be able to enjoy life again. We've had our days and months of wondering, "What in the world have we done?". But we are coming through it and we are enjoying our children and being parents!

I've worked in the field of counseling for many years. I've worked in group homes, residential treatment centers for children and teens and in the private sector. I've taught 'Parenting' and 'Re-Parenting' classes.

I'm looking forward to meeting with you all! Monica

Family Contact

Hi! My name is Shellie Sanchez. I currently have 5 children in my home. 3 are adopted and 2 are in foster. Huera is 17, Miklo is 13, JJ is 12, Sissy is 7 and Baby is 6. I am now going through the adoption process for the 2 that are in foster care. I am a single parent, so those of you out there you are not alone! When I became a foster parent I never would have dreamed that I would adopt but here I am wrapped in the world of kids. I would be lying if I said I didn’t love it.

I am extremely excited to be part of this wonderful project. It will be great to be part of a support group for other adoptive parents and hopefully fill that void of feeling like we are the only ones that this is happening to.

I cannot wait to meet other adoptive families and make many wonderful memories. Just remember the FIESTA staff will always have an open heart and open mind.

Shellie =0)

Family Contact

Gosh am I happy to be here!

My name is Donna Payne, my husband Frank and I have been married for nearly 31 years. We are the parents of seven. Three of our kids came to us by birth: Steph (age 29), Shaun (age 27) and Nick (age 24). Four came to us through adoption: Shante' (age 21), Josh (age 20) and DeSean (age 18). We will be finalizing the adoption of our seventh child, our son D. (age 15) sometime in May.

We have one beautiful daughter-in-law, Kim. And of course, I have to tell you about our three grand children: two granddaughters ages almost 4 and 18 months and one grandson age 17 months. All beautiful, intelligent and wonderful kids (of course!)

My husband and I have also been foster parents in the State of New Mexico for nearly 23 years. We are currently fostering 8 children ranging in age from 2 months to 13 years. One of my passions is to support our foster children's birth parents while they work their treatment plans to get their children back home.

My mom will tell you that all I ever wanted to be is a mom - I think she worried about me because I wasn't career minded growing up. Now, my parents couldn't be more proud of all their grandchildren, no matter how their grandchildren came to them (or how long they might stay!)

I am excited to be a Family Contact for the FIESTA Project. I have a lot to offer families that are at the very beginning of the adoption process or feel they are at the end of their ropes with their kids. I am confident that with the support and training that we (the FIESTA Project staff) have to offer the community, we can not only help save families, we will be able to enhance relationships within families!

My hope is that every adoptive family in the state of New Mexico will become familiar with the FIESTA Project and use all that we have to offer.

New Mexico has not forgotten you!

We had our first meeting with our incredible Family Contacts from all around the state today. They are enthusiastic, experienced and excited! In the next few days, they will each be logging in to the blog to introduce themselves. We are so happy that this project is getting off the ground and can't wait to see where this takes us. The title of this post came from Monica, one of the Family Contacts. As we discussed the services we'll be offering to every adoptive family in New Mexico, she told us that she felt this is the message adoptive families need to hear. What a statement and what a mission for the year.

Introductions

If you are an adoptive family visiting the NM FIESTA project, please take a moment to comment on this post and introduce yourself. Please refer to your children by nicknames or initials to protect their privacy. We want this blog to be a place for adoptive families to connect with each other, gain support and encouragement and maybe even learn a little bit.

We are working hard to review resumes, hire Family Contacts in each region and get started on providing support groups, family activities and training all over New Mexico.

Looking forward to meeting you,
Megan & FIESTA staff

Hi everyone,
I wanted to also introduce myself. I am Erika Aceto-Tode and one of the FIESTA staff. I hope to meet all of you as our project takes shape. I have worked as an adoption Coordinator at La Familia, Inc. for 9 years and my husband and I have adopted a beautiful baby named Jayden. I will be happy to share my adoption story with anyone who is interested as Jayden and I help facilitate and participate in all the fun family activities that are being scheduled.

Erika and Jayden