I have noticed that some individuals are drawn to
children that seem to need extra help of some sort. The children sometimes have struggling
relationship with their parents or other adults. The children may have a challenging
personality. These adults may feel a
connection to the child that reminds them of an unmet need from their childhood.
Their intentions may be benign, but if not kept in check, there are potential
for problems. The non-parent might feel
they are better equipped to meet the child’s need even more than the parent. Unfortunately, I do not know a way to measure
this but it becomes dangerous when the need they are longing to meet is their
own.
Of course, these situations can be placed on a
spectrum- small problems to major problems.
Not all of these situations cross over the line to some sort of
abuse. So, what are we worried
about? One thing that is very important
to keep in mind is that not everyone who is building a relationship with your
child is a potential problem. Mentoring
has a very powerful place in a child/youth’s life, as long as it is safe.
Two of my children have had adults in their lives that
have crossed the line. Once all was
taken care of, one of the realities that I learned was that my child really did
want me. They did not want secrets, even
though there were fun things that came with secrets. They were so relieved and I watched the
stress leave their bodies, when I took control of the situations.
The number rule is to follow your gut. Is it concern or fear? If it is fear, it might be your own ‘stuff’ bubbling up. If it is concern, talk to a trusted balanced
person in your life; talk through it. More
than likely, clarity will come.
Is your child young?
Does your child have attachment struggles? They need you. Do you like your child and spend quantity
and quality time with them? Other people
can pick up on these subtleties too. If
you find out there are secrets being kept, or ‘special’ things between an adult friend and your child, this is a
huge warning sign. It is not usually the
overt signs that we have a hard time seeing, but the subtle signs.
For me, one of the important lessons in these
situations is not just to know what to watch for, but to ask where my relationship
with my child is. Does my child
experience daily acceptance, enjoyment, and love from a relationship with
me?
I can easily live in fear of the lurking ‘Boogey Man/Woman’. I can spend a lot of energy in being angry
and resentful at those adults who cross those lines.
The greatest reminder for me is me! Where is my responsibility in all of
this? Am I easy for my child to
approach? Am I too busy? Is my resentment building up towards a
difficult child? These are all great
things to be mindful of.
The other point to remember is our children that we
have adopted come from a place of brokenness and neediness. They give off signals that, more than likely,
they do not recognize. Be sensitive to those
you surround yourself with. Be aware of
who is around your kids. Do not down-play
when they are uncomfortable or really drawn to certain adults. It is always our
job to keep them safe and to teach along the way to be aware.
YOU are who and what, your child needs.
Monica Cohu
