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Friday, October 28, 2011

Big Issues, Small Issues...

Oh no… not another dentist analogy....

Last year, my husband and I went out of town with another couple. Our friend has a chronic, invisible, terminal disease. He had to sit down quite often, while the rest of us ran around shopping, and sightseeing. During the trip, I got a toothache. I was miserable. It started out as an annoyance and then grew to point that I couldn’t eat and couldn’t enjoy myself, absorbed in the pain. It put me in a weird position. Do I whine and complain about my little problem, while my friend is concerned with trying to stay alive? His problem is way more serious, but my problem is affecting my life today. I know that in a few days, with a visit to the dentist, my problem will go away. It’s not going to kill me, I know it will get better, but on that day, it took over my life.

I’ve had a couple of conversations with moms this past week that made me think back to that situation. One was from the mother of a four-year-old. Her son is having a hard time in his preschool class, saying he doesn’t want to go, clinging to her when she leaves. She is upset, she can’t sleep, her face has lines of worry. She wants her son to be happy during the day. “Is this from early trauma?” she wonders. “Is this just typical behavior, or do I need to pull him out and keep him closer? What is the right thing to do?” She knows that in a few days, with some visits to the preschool, her problem will go away. It’s not going to kill her, she knows it will get better, but on that day, it took over her life.

The other conversation was with a mom who has a teenaged son. She is concerned that he doesn’t do well in math and prefers video games. She worries that he will not do well in high school, that his life is becoming unbalanced. She wants to make sure that her expectations are realistic, but that she does not let him slide through life, irresponsible. It is a huge problem for her. She knows that in a few days, with some conversations with her son, her problem will go away. It’s not going to kill her, she knows it will get better, but on that day, it took over her life.

When you’re with other adoptive parents, sharing stories, does it sometimes seem like your problems are trivial? When I hear stories of kids screaming obscenities at their parents, cutting themselves, getting kicked out of preschool for sexual behavior or smearing feces over the walls of their rooms, my issues seem too insignificant to mention. What’s a little bed-wetting or slammed door compared to these things? But here’s what I think- the problem I’m having with my child might not be as serious as some, but it’s MY child and MY problem and it’s big to me right now. My hope is that in Fiesta’s discussions, whether online or in a training or group, parents will be comfortable sharing struggles. If it’s your problem, it’s big to you and worth bringing up.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Here we go again!

So here we are, absolutely stable- no meltdowns, no lying, no stealing, (in this case, no throwing up at the table just to have control, cutting up new clothes, or kicking the cat), minimal backtalk, and a respectful attitude 98% of the time. We've had no RAD behavior to speak of for weeks, months and now into a year. And except for an occasional recurrance of habitual arguing and a lie here and there, I'm thinking we are cured! This is a practically perfect kid. We're home free! Life is good!

Well, we had a week of company over Balloon Fiesta week, out-of -town family with five kids from ages three to thirteen. They were lovely. We enjoyed a week of acting like New Mexico tourists and packed the days and stayed up late. Good times.

Toward the end of the week, I walked into my tween's room, to hear one of my other kids say, "What's that black stuff all over your face?" and my tween replied, "Nothing. There's no black stuff." Deja vu.
"Look at me," I say. Yep. There's black stuff all right. "What is that?"
"Nothing. There's no black stuff."
"Where's the rest of the mess?" I say, as a see a few spots peeking out from under a strategically place pile of shirts. I follow the spots to the closet where I find a large bird feather, some scissors, three decapitated gel pens, and a pile of paper. Oh. And lots of ink all over the floor.
"I was doing a craft project."
"Honey, you're first clue that something might be wrong is this- if you have to take your project into your closet and close the door, you probably shouldn't be doing it." We proceeded to talk about what was going on and I discovered that the five sweet kiddos visiting my house were doing some very normal, obnoxious kid stuff that set my fragile one over the edge.

Moral of the story- we cannot stop paying attention, never think that our job is accomplished, and not be surprised or react when things come back out of the dark, locked rooms in our child's life. Sometimes it doesn't take much to bring it all back. And by the way, it was only a moment of "crazy" and we're back on track with a few hugs, some good words, and a bottle of carpet cleaner.






Tuesday, October 11, 2011

FARMINGTON - Training

This Sunday, October 16th, 1 to 5 pm
"TRUST BASED PARENTING" W/ Dr. Purvis
- Felt Safety, Connecting through Play, Showing Respect, Asking not Telling, TIME IN instead of TIME OUT, Sibling Disputes, and more!Child Care, Lunch, and Training Hours Provided!Pls Call Wendy for details and to RESVP @ 888-299-3014

VALENCIA Training

Dr. Karyn Purvis, "Empowering, Connecting, & Correcting Principles"
This Friday Evening @ the CYFD building.
6 to 8:30 pm
Mexican Potluck. Please bring a dish to share.
FIESTA will provide drinks and dessert.
Child Care & Training Hours Provided!
Pls Call Monica @ 505-235-7261 to reserve your spot!

BINGO N' CHILI

This Saturday in Grants!
FIESTA will provide the chili and drinks
Please bring a dessert to share!
Call Carol to RVP @ 505-270-6219
THIS IS A FAMILY EVENT!!!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Things Aren't Always What They Seem

We had a lot of family and friends come in to celebrate our youngest child's adoption this past weekend. It was Wonderul! Lots of yummy food, lots of hugs and kisses, and gifts for our children. We all loved it! Our children were surrounded by people who dearly love them and celebrate them.

In the process, we had a reminder that some melt downs aren't always what they seem.
Our middle son was adopted 3 years ago. He has been with us 4 years. We have seen great and amazing changes of growth in him.

Sunday, one of his uncles, who has the same name as his beloved biological uncle - who disappeared out of his life this past year, had promised him to take him hiking. Our son was told he would do it after it warmed up. My son didn't hear that part. His new uncle went to go look at houses for a bit.

All of a sudden, my son became nasty and rude to me. ME, his sweet loving mommy (lol). I saw him gearing up, so I was keeping him close to me. I asked him to come sit by me, he wouldn't, which was asissited with some unkind words from him. So, everyone left the room, except he and I. After he began to calm down I asked him to come sit with me and after awhile, he did. I put him on my lap. He had big sad tears running down his face. I asked him what was he sad about. He talked about the promise of a hike and that it wasn't going to happen. I reminded him that his uncle would take him later. He angrily denied that it was said.

I hugged him and said, "He's not forgetting you. He's not leaving you. He's here." My son began to breathe deeply and more calm.

Finally, I saw that it had not been a temper tantrum, but that his little heart was breaking, yet again.

He and his uncle ended the day with kea great hike and a big smile.

Monica Cohu

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Understanding Sexualized Behavior in Foster and Adopted Children

Training by Leah Brouwers, LMFT
Saturday, October 8th
Indian Hills Elementary
Gallup, NM
2-5 p.m.
Call 505-863-2645 for more information
Ask for Brian or Sheila

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Free Passes to Mother Lode Sale

NM Fiesta Project has just gotten word that all of our favorite peeps can have free passes to the Mother Lode Sale! For more info visit their site at www.themotherloadsaleabq.com To get your free pass, just make sure that you are on our automatic email list, and we'll forward it to you! Not on the list? Send me your info at carol.gloetzner@la-familia-inc.org. Happy Shopping!