Oh no… not another dentist analogy....
Last year, my husband and I went out of town with another couple. Our friend has a chronic, invisible, terminal disease. He had to sit down quite often, while the rest of us ran around shopping, and sightseeing. During the trip, I got a toothache. I was miserable. It started out as an annoyance and then grew to point that I couldn’t eat and couldn’t enjoy myself, absorbed in the pain. It put me in a weird position. Do I whine and complain about my little problem, while my friend is concerned with trying to stay alive? His problem is way more serious, but my problem is affecting my life today. I know that in a few days, with a visit to the dentist, my problem will go away. It’s not going to kill me, I know it will get better, but on that day, it took over my life.
I’ve had a couple of conversations with moms this past week that made me think back to that situation. One was from the mother of a four-year-old. Her son is having a hard time in his preschool class, saying he doesn’t want to go, clinging to her when she leaves. She is upset, she can’t sleep, her face has lines of worry. She wants her son to be happy during the day. “Is this from early trauma?” she wonders. “Is this just typical behavior, or do I need to pull him out and keep him closer? What is the right thing to do?” She knows that in a few days, with some visits to the preschool, her problem will go away. It’s not going to kill her, she knows it will get better, but on that day, it took over her life.
The other conversation was with a mom who has a teenaged son. She is concerned that he doesn’t do well in math and prefers video games. She worries that he will not do well in high school, that his life is becoming unbalanced. She wants to make sure that her expectations are realistic, but that she does not let him slide through life, irresponsible. It is a huge problem for her. She knows that in a few days, with some conversations with her son, her problem will go away. It’s not going to kill her, she knows it will get better, but on that day, it took over her life.
When you’re with other adoptive parents, sharing stories, does it sometimes seem like your problems are trivial? When I hear stories of kids screaming obscenities at their parents, cutting themselves, getting kicked out of preschool for sexual behavior or smearing feces over the walls of their rooms, my issues seem too insignificant to mention. What’s a little bed-wetting or slammed door compared to these things? But here’s what I think- the problem I’m having with my child might not be as serious as some, but it’s MY child and MY problem and it’s big to me right now. My hope is that in Fiesta’s discussions, whether online or in a training or group, parents will be comfortable sharing struggles. If it’s your problem, it’s big to you and worth bringing up.
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