“We need to stop looking at our children’s actions as
difficult behaviors and recognize them as symptoms.” (Denise Kendrick) What a
difference perspective makes! Instead of, “My kid lies about Every. Single.
Thing,” we can say, “My child needs to see me as safe enough to trust with the
truth.” Instead of, “My son is such a manipulator!” we can see his world as so
out-of-control that his fear drives him to be in charge at all time. Daughter
sending inappropriate texts to boys? She is seeking love wherever she can get
it. Defiance? Cutting? Backtalk? Potty training challenges? Tantrums? Look
deeper. What is your child’s behavior telling you?
We don’t ever know our adopted child’s complete story. We
don’t know the sensations that trigger memories. Smells, sounds, music,
holidays, familiar-looking people, Walmart, specific events can all flip a
switch in a child’s brain to make them react out of fear- and fear doesn’t
always look like something we recognize. It can look like defiance, control,
rage, stubbornness, charm, hyperactivity, or dishonesty.
This understanding doesn’t mean that we tolerate disrespect
or that we become permissive, but with a different perspective, tempered with
compassion, we can have reasonable expectations and teach our kids a better
way. Taking every opportunity to connect with them is our most powerful healing
tool. Spending time doing something they love, making sure to create a playful
environment, stopping what we’re doing to really listen to what they say,
letting them know that we’re on their team- these are all ways to help them
know that they’re safe and they can trust us. It’s amazing how challenging
behaviors resolve when a child develops trust and connection with a parent.
The NM Fiesta Project was created to help equip adoptive
parents with the tools they need to effectively connect with their kids,
realize that they are not alone in the journey, and show them community
resources they may not have thought about. Find out more at nmfiestaproject.org
Carol Gloetzner
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