Letter from a Parent

This morning I recieved an email from a hopeful adoptive parent who participates in FIESTA. She gave me permission to share it with our readers because I think it is important for our staff to know the impact we have on families and for families to know about the assistance we offer.



I wanted to share a recent experience with you about my life and how things have changed recently. I am a mom to 6 absolutely amazing children. Each one of them has a story that will bring tears to your eyes. Each is a survivor and has magnificent qualities about them. Each child has stolen my heart and I am blessed to know and love each one of them.
Growing a family through adoption can be difficult. There are many things that I was not aware of when I began this journey. I am learning new things every day. One thing that has come to light in my life is that typical parenting does not work with all children. My mother’s parenting does not work with most of my children. I am the inventor of my own techniques with each of my children and sometimes what worked yesterday may not work today.
We have two children who were diagnosed with RAD – Reactive Attachment Disorder. Our oldest has been displaying increasingly defiant behaviors, and as she works to become stronger in her ability to utilize her “survivor strengths,” I have felt as if I am becoming decreasing unable to parent her successfully. I have been tired and overwhelmed. I have been sad and felt alienated. I have worked hard and given much yet felt as if things were only getting worse.
I signed up for a lifelong commitment to my child. She is mine, born to be mine, loved with every fiber in me and I was not giving up!
I looked to traditional therapy, Attachment therapy, different parenting models, books and blogs. Along the way we made changes in all areas of our lives. Each time we hoped that this would be the answer, that we would see progress- less lying and manipulation and more connection and affection.
It has been a long road and I am so grateful to have the support of friends and family and my Fiesta team. I have always believed in building a village to help you raise your children. I think it is important to gather people in your circle who will hold you up when you are feeling down, speak in truth when you need to hear it and love you no matter what. That is exactly what I have found.
Now for the first time in a long time I feel like I am getting the help I need with my child. Traci Tippett is currently working with my kiddo and there has been a dramatic change – let me clarify that. I feel less stress, more confidence and totally supported. My child continues to have behaviors and we continue to work through them but my heart is light and I am excited to move to the next level of living life!
This morning Traci attended a meeting with me at my child’s school. It was at 745 and scheduled with little notice. She made herself available to help explain the things we our family is dealing with and the need for school support. She helped me be successful in dealing with the school – while respecting me and my position as the parent. I was not alone – trying to explain why my ever so sweet child needed a behavioral intervention plan. There was only one of 6 teachers present for various reasons but that was not a barrier because Traci said we will go back as many times as we need to – to see all of the teachers!
I am so grateful for this program and for the support of those involved with Fiesta and am so excited to share things I am learning.

Name withheld due to confidentiality...

Awkward Conversations...

Spin, Wiggle and Bounce

Once when my husband and I were waiting in a long, boring line at Walmart, we decided to do a survey. We asked everyone around us if, when they put on their socks, they made sure that the seam was perfectly straight. 76% of respondents reported that they would go crazy if the seam wasn’t straight. OK, maybe I don’t actually remember the exact statistics, but we did find out that most people are picky about how their socks feel. (And what better way to spend twenty minutes in line?) Most of us realize that tactile defensiveness is a sensory issue.

We all learned about the five senses in first grade. But maybe you’ve never heard of sensory integration or know how it may affect your child. Here are some things you’ll learn in the workshop, “Spin, Wiggle, Bounce”… if your child gets in trouble at school for overreacting every time a classmate bumps him in line, he might benefit from more proprioceptive activities. If your child seems clumsy at times, and a little “quirky” when it comes to physical challenges, she might need more vestibular stimulation in her daily routine. Does your child freak out by the feel of the tag on his shirt? cover her ears or eyes? refuse to eat certain foods for no apparent reason, or hate messy hands? Some of our children’s behavior can be misinterpreted as defiance or pickiness, when, in fact, his or her brain is not correctly interpreting the input that is coming through their senses. This is not an issue that only affects little kids, but mid-schoolers and teens, as well. It’s another one of those neurological hiccups that can happen when a child has experienced trauma. Do we guarantee that by attending this class, you will have a perfectly balanced, well-adjusted, angelic child? Well, let’s say that if that doesn’t happen, you can get your money back. (Getit? Money back? Free class? Hehe) Seriously, though, this information is presented in a fun way by a true-to-life professional and may be a key to understanding your child better. That I can guarantee. Judy Deinema, OT, will be offering this class in the East Mountains on November 6^th and in other areas in the near future. Hope you can join us! Call me at 1-888-298-7562 to rsvp.

"So glad to see new families 'pre-placement' I know the knowledge we have gained sure has helped us tremendously. I cannot imagine facing the unique challenges our special kiddos present without being at least somewhat aware of the unique ways they see the world." Scott Gray, commenting on Face Book about a recent Fiesta group meeting.

Ten Questions for Parents....

We are often asked what questions parents should consider as they make decisions and prepare to adopt or foster. Below is a list of ten questions that we believe will help parents better assess the journey that lies ahead. You can also download and print a pdf version of these questions.

Ten Questions for Parents Preparing to Adopt or Foster

We believe it is critically important that parents who are preparing to adopt or foster a child must be honest and realistic about the journey and the challenges that lie ahead. The following questions are designed to help parents (and parents-to-be) begin to honestly assess the journey ahead…and what it will require. We encourage you to thoughtfully consider these questions. They are not meant to scare you or in any way discourage you from continuing on this amazing path. Instead, our desire is simply that these questions will point you toward the hope and help that you need to form a strong and lasting connection with your child.

1. Are you willing to acknowledge and fully embrace your child’s history, including that which you know and that which you will likely never know?
2. Are you willing to accept that your child has been affected by his/her history, possibly in profound ways, and as a result that you will need to parent your child in a way that exhibits true compassion and promotes connection and healing?
3. Are you willing to parent differently than how you were parented, how you have parented in the past, or how your friends parent their children? Are you willing to “un-learn” certain parenting strategies and approaches that may not be effective with your child, even if you have used these strategies and approaches successfully with your other children in the past?
4. Are you willing to educate yourself, your parents, family and friends on an ongoing basis in order to promote understanding of your child’s needs and how best to meet those needs?
5. Are you willing to be misunderstood, criticized and even judged by others who do not understand your child’s history, the impacts of that history and how you have been called to love and connect with your child in order to help him/her heal?
6. Are you prepared to advocate for your child’s needs, including at school, church, in extracurricular settings and otherwise, in order to create predictability and promote environments that enable your child to feel safe and allow him/her to succeed?
7. Are you willing to sacrifice your own convenience, expectations and desires in order to connect with your child and help him/her heal, even if that process is measured in years, not months?
8. Are you willing to fully embrace your child’s holistic needs, including his/her physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs?
9. Are you willing to seek ongoing support and maintain long-term connections with others who understand your journey and the challenges that you face? Are you willing to intentionally seek and accept help when you encounter challenges with your child that you are not equipped to adequately deal with?
10. Are you willing to acknowledge that you as a parent bring a great deal to the equation when it comes to how your child will attach and connect? Are you willing to honestly examine (on an ongoing basis) your motivations and expectations relating to your adoption journey? Are you willing to look at your own past (including your past losses and trauma, both big and small) and consider how your past may impact your interactions with your child? Are you willing to consistently examine your role as parent as you experience challenges and difficulties along the journey?
As you read through the above questions, you may have concluded that some of the questions didn’t apply to you and your situation? That may be the case to some extent, as every adoption and foster care experience is unique. However, we encourage you to spend some time reading and talking with other experienced adoptive and foster parents about what you should realistically expect as you travel this journey. We find that parents sometimes start with less than accurate assumptions about how the adoption or foster care journey will unfold, and as a result they are more likely to form unrealistic expectations. We believe that these questions are helpful and instructive for all parents considering or pursuing adoption and foster care, and we hope that as you work through them they will lead you toward greater insight and understanding.

BINGO & CHILI in Grants, This Saturday (10/09/10)

This Saturday, 10/09/10 in Grants @ Sierra Vista Counseling Facility
5-7:30, CHILI & BINGO!

FIESTA will provide the Chili & all the Fixins, Sodas, & Water!
Please bring a dessert to share.

Please call Carol or Monica (505-235-7261) to RSVP.

Prizes for BINGO Winners and the kids!

ADHD & Supplements

Check out this article from Psychiatric News:
www.lipidworld.com/content/9/1/105

Kids that have been through repeated trauma usually have bodies that are dupleted of vital nutrients.

CELEBRATION OF CULTURES!

Family Activity in Gallup, NM - Region I

Saturday, October 9, 2010 - 5-7 p.m.

Indian Hills Elementary School

Please bring an ethnic dish from one or more cultures

that your family represents along with a copy of the recipe(s).

Please feel free to wear any cultural clothing if you have any.

Plates, plastic ware and drinks will be provided.

Come join the fun of Celebrating Cultures!

Please RSVP to Sheila @ 888-298-6681

by Thursday, October 7th

Got Respite?

I haven’t posted in a long time. I’m sure many of you have been checking in anxious anticipation, waiting to read what I have to say, wondering where I am. Alas! It has been a crazy few weeks. My daughter, Megan, 20, decided that she would spend a year in Seattle. This she decided, knowing full well that it would inconvenience me and cause further stress in my life. (What’s a mother to do!) She has been the best big sister in the world, as the sales people at the Dollar Tree and cheap movie theater can vouch. What nerve to leave me and pursue her own interests! Seriously, we couldn’t be prouder about the decisions she has made. I’m counting the days til she returns.

Turns out though, the schedule was less than ideal. In order to get Megan settled in on her timeline, I had to leave my week in Seattle, fly into Albuquerque, and then leave again the next morning for Orlando. “Why?” you ask….which leads me to the purpose of the story. I spent three days in Florida learning about respite programs - how to develop an idea, how to start it going, and how to get funding (a challenge). Jason DeHerrerra, CYFD subsidy guru, accompanied me. We learned that respite is one of the first things adoptive parents list as a need. We heard stories from across the country from people who have camp programs, co-ops, respite voucher programs, and intensive crisis interventions. We have come up with some ideas, but we need to hear from you. Do you have any opinions about what would be of help to your family? How often are you able to get break? Do you have someone reliable with whom you can leave your children and relax? What challenges have you faced in this area? The more input we get, the better. Either leave me a comment or give me a call. I’d love to hear your ideas.

Carol 1-888-298-7562