Today I'm posting an email I received from a FIESTA family...how many of you can relate? How do you keep your head up when things are difficult?
I am exhausted today – things have been on edge with my kiddo and at every corner I find her trying to control, manipulate and turn our otherwise happy home into a state of chaos. I am trying to work through the process. But after the last few months I am having a hard time. Today I feel like she has had plenty of time , many years of therapy, and a loving family by her side and yet the ugly words and burning looks are still prevelant. Today I am tired. I want things to change but how? How does a child with RAD choose to make the first step to connection. That place where life is amazing and the child you longed for has become the child you have.
Today like many days I mourn the loss of a beautiful soul that may never know just how good a mother’s love is.
Since we have changed up our therapeutic parenting there are many new places which she is learning quickly to manipulate.
So I muster up every ounce of compassion I have and work towards loving her-choosing love over anger and resentment! It is not easy because I am angry – I am angry that this precious child has been disformed beyond recognition by the ghosts in her past. I resent that I want to love her – I want to do “normal” things with her-I resent that I want them more than her. It is hard to look at the 6 year old that plays dirty – and is wrapped in a teenagers body. The six year old who cant formulate sentences, make good choices and runs for any sign of connection.
But I try – everyday I try – everyday I move forward even if only an inch. Now, I know I am not alone. I have a good support network! I have people who understand what it’s like to live with a child from a hard place, and for now I still have my sanity!
4 comments:
You are ABSOLUTELY not alone. We struggle with all those same issues-wanting to parent and love our son who rejects that at every turn. It is so frustrating and difficult some days that it seems easier to give up. I hear you loud and clear and understand exactly. Peace to you
Wow, reading what you wrote it almost seemed like I wrote it myself! I have been feeling all those almost exact things lately. After 2 years and 3 months, it feels like we have not made much progress. Looking back, I know there HAVE been positive changes, but not enough to make me feel like I have accomplished much.
Right before I read your message, I wrote on Faceboook how no one and nothing prepares a person to parent a child they meet when the child is 9 years old. I was told by a therapist that "her emotional age is about 5", and try to keep that in mind when she does certain things. It's really hard when she is so vicious and angry.
I pray a lot, and have many friends praying for us.
Wow, reading what you wrote it almost seemed like I wrote it myself! I have been feeling all those almost exact things lately. After 2 years and 3 months, it feels like we have not made much progress. Looking back, I know there HAVE been positive changes, but not enough to make me feel like I have accomplished much.
Right before I read your message, I wrote on Faceboook how no one and nothing prepares a person to parent a child they meet when the child is 9 years old. I was told by a therapist that "her emotional age is about 5", and try to keep that in mind when she does certain things. It's really hard when she is so vicious and angry.
I pray a lot, and have many friends praying for us.
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