The “Problem” with Teen Attitudes

 I’ve been reading the book, Nurture Shock, by Bronson and Merryman, and I was fascinated by a chapter entitled, “The Science of Teen Rebellion.” The book was written to shed some light on commonly held beliefs about parenting that have been proven completely untrue. (Did you know that telling a child that he/she is smart usually leads to lower cognitive test scores?) A few things got my attention in regard to teen behavior. Interestingly, the symptoms that we associate with difficult teen years (rebellion, moodiness, and sulkiness) are exactly parallel to the symptoms of sleep deprivation. While we are stepping back in requiring early bedtimes when our kids hit twelve to thirteen, their bodies need even more sleep than they did when they were younger. The simple solutions of protein-rich snacks and plenty of sleep still hold true as our children grow. For our kids who have more-than-average vulnerabilities, the meeting of these physical needs can make a huge difference in their ability to cope with other stressors in their lives.

Another interesting section of the book dealt with teen lying. Even teens who have secure attachments lie regularly to their parents. Two of the reasons given, (through hours of interviews with teens themselves) are to keep their privacy and independence and to keep from disappointing their parents. For example, if you ask your daughter if she “likes” a particular boy (especially one she knows you wouldn’t approve of) her false negative answer will not only give her more freedom and less lecturing, but it will also protect you from worry and disappointment. As an adoptive parent, it helps me have a clearer perspective about my kids to know what “normal” looks like. Behaviors that I find objectionable are not always caused by trauma. Even though a child with a difficult past or insecure attachment can magnify these behaviors, they are not only “adoption issues.”

But the section of the book that made me say, “Ah-ha!” was on teen arguing. Parents see it as a problem, a challenge to authority, and proof that their child is trying to manipulate and control. But teens don’t see it that way. (Teens who have overly permissive parents don’t bother to argue. Teens who have overly controlling parents don’t dare- but they are depressed.)  From a teen’s perspective, arguing is more like negotiation. Think of curfew. If I tell my son to be in by 11, but I never follow through and don’t really care when he comes home, he’ll just agree and then do what he wants. But if he is going to a movie that gets out late and wants to extend his regular curfew, it is actually a respectful thing to negotiate. Arguing about it proves that he is actually planning on obeying the rule and that he respects your fairness in allowing flexibility. Arguing (negotiating) can be a good skill and there can be mutual respect expected in stating a case and coming to a compromise. The thing that can “drive us nuts” can help him when he is making a purchase, asking for a raise or living with a life partner. When you think about it, there are plenty of opportunities to allow a child this freedom when she is younger, as well. (Score another point for Dr. Purvis.)

Got Ice Cream?

As my motley, sweaty family packed up our camper this morning to head back toward home, an older, overall-clad man approached me with a twinkle in his eye and said, “How many kids you got there?”

“Oh, we lost track a long time ago.” I laughed.

“Can I buy you all some ice cream?” he said and handed me $40 before I could answer. Walking away, he said quietly, “I wish I’d had more kids…”

            So often we trade stories about the rude and crazy things that people say to our families, especially those who are obviously not biologically related. But the opposite is also true. People can also be incredibly kind and generous.

            Yesterday, to break up the long car ride, we stopped at a tourist trap cave. It had been raining and hot for days. Walking up the ramp toward the glittering lights and promises of  “World’s Best Attraction” (or something like that) a 40ish man with an employee badge and a twinkle in his eye said, “Are all of these kids yours?”

             “Yes.” I said.

            “What a bunch of little blessings,” he said. “How many kids do you have?”

            “Fifteen,” I said.  “But they’re not all with us. Some of them are grown.” We continued to chat as we paid a small fortune to see the amazing sights and then we continued on our tour. It was amazing. Ok. It was a reprieve from the heat and driving.

            Coming out of the main attraction into the gift/fudge/snack/can-I-please-buy-useless-stuff-mom area, the man asked if we liked the cave. “Can I buy you some ice cream?”  he asked, and handed us a business card with a note scribbled on it. “Just give this to the ladies at the counter,” he said, “And they’ll give you what you want.” Thanks, Mister!!!

            What a great opportunity to show our kids that the world can be a friendly place! What a conversation starter to wonder how we can follow the example of kind strangers.

            Ok. So maybe my kids look a little on the under-fed side, because a couple of weeks ago, my husband had the crew at a pizza place after going to the lake and the waitress walked up with a twinkle in her eye. “A couple just left and paid for all of you to have milk shakes,” she said. “Let me know when you’re ready to order.”