The “Problem” with Teen Attitudes

 I’ve been reading the book, Nurture Shock, by Bronson and Merryman, and I was fascinated by a chapter entitled, “The Science of Teen Rebellion.” The book was written to shed some light on commonly held beliefs about parenting that have been proven completely untrue. (Did you know that telling a child that he/she is smart usually leads to lower cognitive test scores?) A few things got my attention in regard to teen behavior. Interestingly, the symptoms that we associate with difficult teen years (rebellion, moodiness, and sulkiness) are exactly parallel to the symptoms of sleep deprivation. While we are stepping back in requiring early bedtimes when our kids hit twelve to thirteen, their bodies need even more sleep than they did when they were younger. The simple solutions of protein-rich snacks and plenty of sleep still hold true as our children grow. For our kids who have more-than-average vulnerabilities, the meeting of these physical needs can make a huge difference in their ability to cope with other stressors in their lives.

Another interesting section of the book dealt with teen lying. Even teens who have secure attachments lie regularly to their parents. Two of the reasons given, (through hours of interviews with teens themselves) are to keep their privacy and independence and to keep from disappointing their parents. For example, if you ask your daughter if she “likes” a particular boy (especially one she knows you wouldn’t approve of) her false negative answer will not only give her more freedom and less lecturing, but it will also protect you from worry and disappointment. As an adoptive parent, it helps me have a clearer perspective about my kids to know what “normal” looks like. Behaviors that I find objectionable are not always caused by trauma. Even though a child with a difficult past or insecure attachment can magnify these behaviors, they are not only “adoption issues.”

But the section of the book that made me say, “Ah-ha!” was on teen arguing. Parents see it as a problem, a challenge to authority, and proof that their child is trying to manipulate and control. But teens don’t see it that way. (Teens who have overly permissive parents don’t bother to argue. Teens who have overly controlling parents don’t dare- but they are depressed.)  From a teen’s perspective, arguing is more like negotiation. Think of curfew. If I tell my son to be in by 11, but I never follow through and don’t really care when he comes home, he’ll just agree and then do what he wants. But if he is going to a movie that gets out late and wants to extend his regular curfew, it is actually a respectful thing to negotiate. Arguing about it proves that he is actually planning on obeying the rule and that he respects your fairness in allowing flexibility. Arguing (negotiating) can be a good skill and there can be mutual respect expected in stating a case and coming to a compromise. The thing that can “drive us nuts” can help him when he is making a purchase, asking for a raise or living with a life partner. When you think about it, there are plenty of opportunities to allow a child this freedom when she is younger, as well. (Score another point for Dr. Purvis.)