Fiesta 101

A few years ago, a group of adoption professionals, seeing the need, decided to create a program to support adoptive parents. They wanted to make it available to all adoptive families, not just those who had adopted through the state, but also privately, internationally, and within their existing family structure. They wanted to provide services to the entire family, including biological children with adopted siblings. They wanted to tackle tough issues like grief and loss. Difficult behavior. Race and culture. Mental health. Fiesta was the result. FIESTA is an acronym for Family Activities, Information, Education, Support, and Training.

In the five regions throughout the state, there are “Family Contacts,” who are adoptive parents that organize at least four opportunities for families to get together each quarter. These events are sometimes called, “Coffee and Chat,” or “Snack and Chat” or may be something like attending a community event together, meeting at a park or having a family game night. During a typical “Coffee and Chat,” child care is provided free of charge for all of the children in the family, adopted or not (because of liability, we are not allowed to provide this service to kids in treatment care). Our child care staff has strict guidelines like never being alone with a child, never putting a child in “time out,” keeping confidentiality, and most importantly, facilitating a planned schedule of activities so that each child has fun. The plan includes a short lesson or theme, a small motor activity like a craft, a large motor activity like a relay race, and plenty of time to socialize. Staff is prepared to engage with babies to teens. While the kids are busy, the adults can get to know one another, exchange stories and contact information to support each other through the month. Other family activities allow the families to enjoy and participate in a shared experience. Many long-lasting friendships have been formed through these activities. This is the “F” in FIESTA.

The “I” stands for information. Fiesta has a huge lending library of books and videos for parents, children and professionals who serve adoptive families. We’ll even pay for the shipping back and forth if you live outside of Albuquerque. You can find the list of resources on our website, nmfiestaproject.org

“E” is for education. We have workshops in every region once a month. Topics include attachment and trauma, discipline and nurture, understanding behavior, and self-care. Workshops that have been helpful in the past few months have touched on topics such as internet safety, IEPs, helping extended families to understand adoption issues, the challenges of FASD, and respite. Our respite co-op is a group of families who have attended this training and learned ways to be an effective “sending parent” as well as a “receiving parent.” After this required training, families are entered into a co-op where they can arrange respite among themselves. All of our trainings count as required hours for CYFD families.

The “S” stands for support. Besides the monthly networking events, Family Contacts are available by phone to help parents find answers to questions about everything from challenging behavior strategies to homework struggles. These fellow adoptive parents don’t have all of the answers, but can help guide you to professional help when needed or supply a listening ear. They can attend school meetings as an advocate and note-taker, sit beside you in difficult meetings, and sometimes even go to your home to brain-storm with you about situations you may be facing. Other supports that families rely on are our face book group and blog.

T is for Training. Once a year we provide a training in each region for professionals who work with adoptive families. Free CEUs are offered. 

The “A” means that all families are welcome- singles, kinship, LGBT, Spanish-speaking, and the people who support them. We have a family contact that is designated to support families who have members with disabilities. Pre-adoptive parents are always welcome.

New Mexico Fiesta Project exists with only one purpose- to support, encourage, and equip adoptive families in this state. Everything that we offer is free of charge and the project is fully staffed by adoptive parents. Please browse our site and borrow a book, plan to attend an event or training, or check us out on face book. We’d love to meet you!

Food

Food is so many things to us- comfort when we’re sad or stressed, pleasure, survival, connection with family, friends and our culture, adventure, control. It’s no wonder, then, that food can be a stressful thing in an adoptive family. It pulls us back to our own childhood, has the power to create family warfare, or can be used as a tool for rejection or power. In the case of kids who have suffered deprivation, it can cause great fear and insecurity. For kids whose world is out of control, it can give them one thing to have dominion over. Let’s cover a few common food issues that adoptive families struggle with.

Hoarding (or “stealing” food)- don’t be surprised if you catch a child sneaking food or hiding it in strange places. The fear of starvation is deep-seated and very real. Instead of accusing your child or shaming, make sure they know that you won’t withhold food from them. Let them keep a couple of healthy snacks in an airtight container and let them have fruit and vegetables whenever they want. If the thought of waiting for dinner freaks them out, let them have a salad while the meal is being cooked.

I’ve often heard parents call this “stealing food.” The food in your house belongs to your child, so they are not stealing it, they are taking it without asking first. Explain to the child that all the food is theirs, but you need to help them meet their needs. Asking can be difficult for some kids, but establishing that as a habit can help your child realize that you provide them with good things. Go as far as to let them know that if they are hungry during the night, they can wake you up and you’ll fix them a snack. It builds connection for you to provide food. They may not have had an adult in their lives who took care of them in that way.

Overeating and gorging on junk food- start with a very small serving so your child can have seconds. Keep junk food out of the house and only have it occasionally if it’s a problem.

Pickiness- pay attention to what your child likes and dislikes or even absolutely refuses and look for patterns. Is there a certain texture that she can’t tolerate? A strong taste? It could be a sensory/ tactile issue. If you see a pattern and there are other clues as well, ask for an OT evaluation. Your child may need some therapy to overcome this sensitivity.

Refusing certain food- some kids have had trauma around a particular food. Maybe someone in their past lost their temper when a child wouldn’t eat green beans or mushrooms. Maybe there was an uncle or cousin who caused fear (and smelled like onions). We don’t know our kids’ back-stories and often they may not even remember. If there are a couple of foods that seem to throw your child into a bad place, let it go. It may have been fine when your mom insisted that you eat your peas, but compassion helps you understand that this is not a battle to take on with this child.

Food issues can be complicated. NM Fiesta Project Family Mentors are available to brainstorm with you about anything you are struggling with in your adoptive family. Find us at nmfiestaproject.org. While you’re there, check out the other services, classes and library available across the state.

My Child Always Needs to Be in Control

One of the symptoms of experiencing early, chronic childhood trauma can be a strong need to be in control. This is how it looks-

Mom: It’s time to take a shower now.

Child: I just took a shower

Mom: That was Thursday. You need a shower again.

Child: I’ll take a bath instead.

Mom: I don’t care. Just get clean.

Child: I’m going to take it after dinner

Mom: I need you to take it now. We have plans after dinner.

Child: I’m cold. I’ll wait until tomorrow.

Mom: Just. Take. A. Shower.

Child: I just remembered some homework I’ve got to do.

(Repeat)

This may seem like a typical scenario for kids of a certain age, but you may live with a child who needs to be in control over every single thing- what to eat for dinner, how many cookies are in a package, who has bigger feet, what the weather is, whether or not to clean her room. It is often accompanied by “manipulation,” (if I can’t get my way, I’ll trick you into it) or rages (if I can’t get my way, I totally lose it).

If behavior is communication, consider what your child is telling you. His brain has been programmed to survive because his needs weren’t met from an early age. (Or they may have been met sporadically.) He has learned, in his deepest, foundational self, that in order to stay alive, he has to be in charge. Or he will die. This is not something he thinks about or plans out, it’s something less conscious. You can explain that he’s safe now and that he can trust you to take care of him, but until he has a paradigm shift and “gets” that himself, he still needs to be in control. He’s not trying to mess with you, make you angry, or create conflict in the family. It’s a symptom of a deeper trust deficit. He’s terrified.

The cure for this? Making sure you take the time to develop a connection leading to trust. Giving her choices, so she realizes that you are in charge, but giving her appropriate control. (You need to take a shower or a bath. Would you like to do that before dinner or after?) Listening and letting her offer compromises lets her know that she is being ruled by a benevolant mentor instead of a frightening dictator. Another strategy is to use humor to deflect the issue. I sometimes say, “It’s always nice to have someone in charge,” spoken with a smile and a wink.

The New Mexico Fiesta Project has monthly support groups across the state where parents can discuss parenting challenges like this one and learn from other adoptive parents. It’s a good place to get some ideas if you’re struggling. It’s a good place to share what you’ve learned. Visit us at nmfiestaproject.org to find out where one is near you.

Carol Gloetzner

What is My Child's Lying Telling Me?

As adoptive parents, it’s always important to look at our child’s behavior as information. What is this behavior saying about my child’s level of fear, past trauma, or lack of trust? Lying is no exception. We usually recognize when the lie is told to avoid getting caught in misbehavior. That makes sense to us, even though we don’t approve. Nonsense lying, though, is a different. It isn’t logical to us to have our child make up fantastic stories or argue with us about the color of the sky. According to a recent study, lies are often used to avoid intimacy. Consider this- what if I believe that I am unlovable? That if you truly knew who I am, you would reject me? I would want to avoid having anyone know me, right? And the best way to do that is to hide my true self with a wall of lies, brick by brick, lie by lie. This not only protects me from being known, but also keeps me in control. My brain is wired to keep me alive by using those two strategies.

Lying is often a trigger for us as parents. What is it that makes a child’s lie feel like such an attack? Why does it make us so angry/ hurt/ afraid? Those questions are important to ask ourselves, because like everything else in parenting, our own issues are often the problem and dealing with our “own stuff” is the first step in dealing with our child’s. Like everything else, helping our child overcome lying always starts with establishing a connected, trusting relationship.

Many parents find that the most important thing in addressing a lie is to stay calm and make sure not to react. “I don’t believe you. I’ll have to check on that.” Another is to make sure you don’t set your child up with questions like, “Did you brush your teeth?” Crazy lying can be dealt with in a playful (non-sarcastic) way. “You should write that down. You have a great imagination. I wonder what would happen next?” Or “Push the Pause button.” “Wait. Don’t answer that right away. Let me know what really happened, not what you wish had happened.”

In any case, lying can be a challenge to parents and bring up our own fears and concerns. The NM Fiesta Project is a statewide organization with one goal- to support adoptive families. Staffed by other adoptive parents, we understand the joys and challenges of raising an adopted child. Visit us at nmfiestaporject.org.

Behavior is Communication

“We need to stop looking at our children’s actions as difficult behaviors and recognize them as symptoms.” (Denise Kendrick) What a difference perspective makes! Instead of, “My kid lies about Every. Single. Thing,” we can say, “My child needs to see me as safe enough to trust with the truth.” Instead of, “My son is such a manipulator!” we can see his world as so out-of-control that his fear drives him to be in charge at all time. Daughter sending inappropriate texts to boys? She is seeking love wherever she can get it. Defiance? Cutting? Backtalk? Potty training challenges? Tantrums? Look deeper. What is your child’s behavior telling you?

We don’t ever know our adopted child’s complete story. We don’t know the sensations that trigger memories. Smells, sounds, music, holidays, familiar-looking people, Walmart, specific events can all flip a switch in a child’s brain to make them react out of fear- and fear doesn’t always look like something we recognize. It can look like defiance, control, rage, stubbornness, charm, hyperactivity, or dishonesty.

This understanding doesn’t mean that we tolerate disrespect or that we become permissive, but with a different perspective, tempered with compassion, we can have reasonable expectations and teach our kids a better way. Taking every opportunity to connect with them is our most powerful healing tool. Spending time doing something they love, making sure to create a playful environment, stopping what we’re doing to really listen to what they say, letting them know that we’re on their team- these are all ways to help them know that they’re safe and they can trust us. It’s amazing how challenging behaviors resolve when a child develops trust and connection with a parent.

The NM Fiesta Project was created to help equip adoptive parents with the tools they need to effectively connect with their kids, realize that they are not alone in the journey, and show them community resources they may not have thought about. Find out more at nmfiestaproject.org

Carol Gloetzner

Does My Child Have "RAD?"

In preparing for adoption, most parents are frightened when they come across the list of symptoms for Reactive Attachment Disorder. They hope and pray that the child they end up with isn’t one of “those kids.” It can sound like a horror movie- a child who wants control at all costs, manipulates, lies, steals, pulls the dog’s tail, or hides entire meals under her mattress. Most of us don’t know if we’re prepared to parent a child with such a scary diagnosis.

The truth is, adoption always involves loss. Even in the best of circumstances, there is trauma for the child. And let’s face it- most adopted kids experience more than their share. Trauma for a child is going to affect the trust they have in the world. “Can the adults in my life meet my needs and keep me safe, or do I have to fend for myself?” This trauma can translate into compromised attachment leading to behavior challenges. Like many disorders (think, ADHD) attachment issues operate more along a spectrum than an absolute. Although full-blown “RAD” is rare, most of our kids will struggle with the effects of their trauma, including a compromised ability to form secure attachments. An adoptive parent needs to realize that their child’s trauma and loss can affect behavior in many ways and we need to become skilled in reading our child’s behavior as a second language so that we can help them heal.

Whether or not your child ends up with a diagnosis of RAD or other challenges, there is hope. The NM Fiesta Project was created to support adoptive parents throughout the state. Visit our website at nmfiestaproject.org to find out more.

Carol Gloetzner

Therapeutic Disney Quizzes

With three teens in the house, I'm always looking for creative ways to connect. Here's my latest exciting therapeutic intervention- quizzes! You know the crazy Facebook friends of yours that are always posting the results to a quiz about- "What Color is Your Heart?" "How Many Kids Should you Have?" or "What is Your Dream State?" Well, my 14-year-old jumped on the quiz bandwagon with "Which Disney Princess are You?" So last night, when it was her turn to stay up late with me, we sat on my bed and took quizzes. Here are a few of my favorites with links:

Which Disney Animal Sidekick are You?
https://ohmy.disney.com/quiz/2015/06/28/quiz-which-disney-animal-sidekick-are-you/

The great thing about a quiz is that they ask a couple of really personal questions. And because it's a silly, just-for-fun quiz, you answer. Here are some from this quiz-
"I prefer to be rewarded for a job well done with- (pick one) a) cash, b) trophies, c) snacks, or d) personal compliment."
"I love hanging out with people who are- a) kind, b) dreamers, c) enthusiastic, d) witty"
"My favorite thing about myself is-  a) my ability to keep things real b) good looks c) charm d) optimism"

Is adventure more your style? Here's a Hunger Games Quiz-
http://www.buzzfeed.com/samstryker/i-volunteer-as-tribute#.plKv8k8rJ

This quiz is simply a list of true or false choices, such as,
"I'm really good at forming friendships"
"I''m not afraid to stab people in the back"
"I work best under pressure."
Many of the questions on this quiz have to do with how you perceive yourself and how you treat other people- an entire therapy session in one, fun swoop!

Or you might want to try, "What's Your Secret Super Power?"
http://www.playbuzz.com/nicole26/whats-your-secret-power

Here was my favorite from this quiz-
"Which of these are most important to you? a) independence, b) power, c) kindness, d) knowledge, e) adventure"
How amazing are these as conversation starters!

And lastly, "Which Tanner Sister from Full House Are You?"  (I know, right?)
http://www.zimbio.com/quiz/6yAI5nTeAQ1/Tanner+Sister+Full+House

This one had annoying pop-up ads, but it was worth it to discuss things like:

"What's your drug of choice- a) candy, b) homework, c) cigarettes"
 or, "What do you fear the most? a) being left out, b) SATs, c) sharing a room

*One disclaimer- if you're doing a quiz with an elementary aged kid, you might want to check the content first for minor cuss words, other PG-rated content or unsavory sideline ads.

So there you have it! Need some teen/tween connection over pop corn and silliness? Take a quiz!

Don’t Miss This! April 22 (Professionals) or 23rd (Families)

According to our contract, Fiesta is required, once a year, to offer a training on adoption issues to professionals around the state. This year, we are collaborating with the NM Coalition of Sexual Assault Programs, Inc., and Davis Innovations in Santa Fe, to bring Dr. Scott Modell from Tennessee. (Some of you may remember Dr. Modell because he did a training for CYFD foster families a year ago.) Dr. Modell’s focus during both workshops will be to explain the vulnerability of kids who have disabilities or who are otherwise compromised through past trauma, to be targets for abuse. We need to be aware of the alarming statistics, but even more aware of what we can do to stop it. This includes- the things we need to recognize as warning signs of past sexual abuse, how to keep our families safe, especially if our child acts out sexually, and what to do if you think that your child needs help. Another factor is that we often teach our kids to be compliant with adults. How can we teach our kids to be respectful without inadvertently teaching them to be victims? This four-hour workshop is excellent for any professional that works with kids- social workers, therapists, teachers, etc. and we offer free CEUs which always makes us happy. The parent workshop is offered to TFC parents, CYFD foster parents and all adoptive parents. Everything is free and if you need a certificate of hours, just ask. Child care will be provided on Saturday on a limited basis. RSVPs are appreciated.

p.s. If you already attended a training by Dr. Modell, he tells us that this one will include enough new material to make it worthwhile. There will also be plenty of discussion and we hope our Fiesta peeps will be there to contribute. 

Navigators News

It is hard to believe I am at the fourth anniversary of my children’s arrival. Looking back, four years ago, there were many times I was at a complete loss and felt isolated and scared. I was not new to adoption, having adopted my oldest daughter as a teenager some years prior. Having successfully navigated the teen years, I did not anticipate the challenges that were to come. Friends and family members were having babies and there were no ready playmates for my then four and six years olds. Those that I knew or encountered with kids close in age to mine had raised them from birth and the challenges they experienced were different. Often, rather than feeling more connected, the lack of shared experience made me feel more alone. 

There were times in the first two years, where my children could not sit through an activity for more than 10 minutes. As someone who is not the greatest of planners, this was very hard for me. Trying to come up with enough activities to get through a day could have been my full time job. I remember weekends stretching out for what seemed like forever, and when I felt like I should have earned a medal just for making it to bedtime. 

There were two things I really needed at that time; support and things to do with my kids. I am not alone in this need. All parents struggle, regardless of whether their children are biological or not. With adoption, some of the challenges are different. It was a relief when, through the Rio Grande Navigators scouting group, I met others who had or were going through similar struggles. These folks understood what it was like to have a child having nonstop tantrums every Saturday as my daughter struggled with the change in routine. They understood my son's indifference to my authority, and that his not listening was not "bad parenting".  

The Rio Grande Navigators is a family-focused scouting group that involves the whole family in monthly scouting activities, called “treks.” Kids get to meet other kids, build friendships, and earn scouting merit badges. Many of our kids struggle socially, however the parent involvement structure of Rio Grande Navigators allows for parents to help facilitate these interactions when appropriate.  Parents have the opportunity to meet other parents and build their own support system. The planned activities are interesting and often things the kids would not get to do on their own. I take my kids hiking all the time. But I likely would never have had them build rockets or set up a tour of a fire station. My kids look forward to the activities, though more than that, they are excited to see their friends.  Building on the family-focus, each family takes a turn organizing a trek once or twice per year.  Kids receive their badges, which they can display on their Navigator hat, twice a year during a formal celebratory Badge Ceremony. 

I am not desperate for the activities as I was three or four years ago. We can now enjoy each Navigators trek for its unique experience. But I remember a time, not all that long ago, when something to do for a few hours on a weekend day would have felt like a lifesaver. Though the challenges I have with my kids have decreased, when they arise, it is other Navigator parents that I turn to for support. 

I encourage others to participate in the Rio Grande Navigators, or start a Navigator scouting group on your own area, and become a part of our community.

Ilyssa Bozza

Free Therapy Tool!

You know those mirror neurons you’re always hearing about reprogramming? How about the rerouting of neuropathways? Good news! Adoptive mom, Kelly Matney, has developed a great new therapy intervention to help re-frame the way your child sees himself, his family and his world. (Yes, she’s a genius. No, she is not a researcher or neuropsychologist.) It isn’t expensive and you don’t need to order advertised equipment. You already have the tool- your smart phone. Kelly catches her three littles while they are in “real child” mode- laughing, smiling, playing, connecting with each other, connecting with their parents (lots of selfies). Kelly takes a lot of photos. Then she deletes a lot of photos. The ones she keeps are precious- loving looks between siblings, hugs with mom, laughing at a joke with dad, fun in the snow, the backyard, the breakfast table, the museum. (Even if you get only one keeper out of 50, it’s as simple as hitting delete. 49 times. Lol) What is left is priceless. It is a chance to show your child how beautiful he is, how much his parents delight in him, how much fun you have together, and what a great family he has. If he missed those moments gazing into your eyes as a newborn, he has an opportunity to do it now. Because the trick is to make sure your child sees the photos. A lot. Make them into an album, make them into a book, browse them on the phone together when you’re stuck in line at the grocery store or doctor’s waiting room or snuggled up on the couch. Let your child know how cute he is (even if he's 15) and how much you love your time together. Those quick glimpses into the eyes of the child underneath the tantrums and attitudes, the sweet softness as your child is sleeping, petting the dog, or reading to his brother will change his opinion of himself and reinforce his value in your family and his world. And what kid doesn’t love to look at photos of himself?! Brilliant, Kelly. Brilliant.

Fiesta 101

A few years ago, a group of adoption professionals, seeing the need, decided to create a program to support adoptive parents. They wanted to make it available to all adoptive families, not just those who had adopted through the state, but also privately, internationally, and within their existing family structure. They wanted to provide services to the entire family, including biological children with adopted siblings. They wanted to tackle tough issues like grief and loss. Difficult behavior. Race and culture. Mental health. Fiesta was the result. FIESTA is an acronym for Family Activities, Information, Education, Support, and Training.

In the five regions throughout the state, there are “Family Contacts,” who are adoptive parents that organize at least four opportunities for families to get together each quarter. These events are sometimes called, “Coffee and Chat,” or “Snack and Chat” or may be something like attending a community event together, meeting at a park or having a family game night. During a typical “Coffee and Chat,” child care is provided free of charge for all of the children in the family, adopted or not (because of liability, we are not allowed to provide this service to kids in treatment care). Our child care staff has strict guidelines like never being alone with a child, never putting a child in “time out,” keeping confidentiality, and most importantly, facilitating a planned schedule of activities so that each child has fun. The plan includes a short lesson or theme, a small motor activity like a craft, a large motor activity like a relay race, and plenty of time to socialize. Staff is prepared to engage with babies to teens. While the kids are busy, the adults can get to know one another, exchange stories and contact information to support each other through the month. Other family activities allow the families to enjoy and participate in a shared experience. Many long-lasting friendships have been formed through these activities. This is the “F” in FIESTA.

The “I” stands for information. Fiesta has a huge lending library of books and videos for parents, children and professionals who serve adoptive families. We’ll even pay for the shipping back and forth if you live outside of Albuquerque. You can find the list of resources on our website, nmfiestaproject.org

“E” is for education. We have workshops in every region once a month. Topics include attachment and trauma, discipline and nurture, understanding behavior, and self-care. Workshops that have been helpful in the past few months have touched on topics such as internet safety, IEPs, helping extended families to understand adoption issues, the challenges of FASD, and respite. Our respite co-op is a group of families who have attended this training and learned ways to be an effective “sending parent” as well as a “receiving parent.” After this required training, families are entered into a co-op where they can arrange respite among themselves. All of our trainings count as required hours for CYFD families.

The “S” stands for support. Besides the monthly networking events, Family Contacts are available by phone to help parents find answers to questions about everything from challenging behavior strategies to homework struggles. These fellow adoptive parents don’t have all of the answers, but can help guide you to professional help when needed or supply a listening ear. They can attend school meetings as an advocate and note-taker, sit beside you in difficult meetings, and sometimes even go to your home to brain-storm with you about situations you may be facing. Other supports that families rely on are our face book group and blog.

T is for Training. Once a year we provide a training in each region for professionals who work with adoptive families. Free CEUs are offered. 

The “A” means that all families are welcome- singles, kinship, LGBT, Spanish-speaking, and the people who support them. We have a family contact that is designated to support families who have members with disabilities. Pre-adoptive parents are always welcome.

New Mexico Fiesta Project exists with only one purpose- to support, encourage, and equip adoptive families in this state. Everything that we offer is free of charge and the project is fully staffed by adoptive parents. Please browse our site and borrow a book, plan to attend an event or training, or check us out on face book. We’d love to meet you!

 

 

 

It's Fishy

I got sick once after eating crepes with seafood sauce in a restaurant. I thought I would die. I remember lying on the bathroom floor, unable to move, while four little kids were yelling for me just outside the door. I was the only adult in the house and I wondered if any of them would remember how to dial 911 if it came down to it. I survived, but my love of shrimp in creamy sauce didn’t. That was 30 years ago, and I haven’t eaten anything like it since. You can tell me that it is delicious. You can assure me that it’s safe, that you eat it all the time, that I have absolutely nothing to fear, but I will decline. I will dig my heels in and refuse. Yes, I know that it’s perfectly safe. Yes, I realize it isn’t logical. But my brain is all flashing red lights and loud sirens. Danger! Stand back from the seafood! It doesn’t even sound good.

One of my kids is fearful. Her fear-behavior doesn’t often look like defiance or control or disrespect (and for that I am grateful), it looks like fear. She is afraid to go down to the basement, afraid to take the trash outside at night, afraid of the coyotes that might come into the backyard and eat her, afraid to speak to someone she doesn’t know (or sometimes someone she does). It’s sad to see and hard to fix. How do you convince someone that there is nothing to be afraid of? It’s been especially bad recently because of some changes that have happened in her world. (She’s afraid of change.) I thought to myself the other day, “After all these years of helping her feel safe, why is she still so fearful? It’s perfectly safe. It’s not logical.” But then I remembered the seafood crepes and as the nausea hit me, so did a flash of realization. Her brain is all flashing red lights and loud sirens and it takes time and intension to overcome that. Her experience is not based on a one-time food poisoning trauma. It is based on too many experiences to count, some that she will never remember. Experiences that woke her toddler-self every night for months with the most heartbreaking, terrified screaming imaginable. Experiences that caused her to startle and cry out, wide-eyed, whenever the doorbell rang or the dog barked.

Then I think of other kids- the ones whose fear does look like defiance, lying, stealing and control. Their brains are also all flashing red lights and sirens- not always easy to put into perspective in the heat of the battle, but still there to provide a way to survive.

I need to remember that logic isn’t involved in what our kids believe about safety.

I might even order the shrimp next time.

From Place to Place

The Gallup group watched and discussed the DVD, "From Place to Place" on Saturday, Oct. 25.  This is a DVD about 3 adults who aged out of the foster care system.  One young man lived much of his adult life in jail.  Another young man lived his life on the streets and had a very difficult life, always seeking love and desiring family.  A third young woman, very much desired a forever family, someone who would love her forever.  She did get her GED and started college but as the documentary ended she was taking a break from school and was working three jobs and already had one broken relationship.  The bright spot of this DVD was that two of these young adults were invited to be a part of national forums to give input for foster care reform.  They felt pride and self-esteem because they were making a difference for future children in the foster care system.  

 

The DVD, while difficult to watch because of the pain in these young adults' lives, helped to revision us about the importance of the work we do. Even though we see the struggles of children who have become a part of forever families through adoption, we could see how much greater the pain can be for children who never have a forever family.  

Brian Kruis, Fiesta Contact in Gallup

Finding Your Rhythm

As an 18 year old young mom, I was clueless.  I really didn’t know what I didn’t know.  Diapers, sleepless nights, teething, and don’t get me started on the terrible twos.  Eventually, we found our rhythm.  As a 42 year old adoptive mom, I was clueless.  I really didn’t know what I didn’t know.   Tears (both theirs and mine), fears (real and imagined), slow to trust, sweet and loving one minute/stubborn and defiant the next, tantrums (both theirs and mine). 

I have discovered that the things that worked with the older kid have no impact on the younger kids.  There are days I find myself frustrated when nothing seems to work and I can’t get through.  Then I hear “Mom, guess what happened at school today”, and I know we’ll be ok.  I don’t have to have all of the answers and that’s ok.   Finding our rhythm this time around is a little trickier.  Some days it is like navigating a mine field.  But most days it is such a blessing, filled with laughter and playfulness. 

April Chavez

The Cost of Healing Trauma

 

One of my favorite Authors, Bryan Post, said recently in a training video that trauma has the ability to impact people for the rest of their lives regardless of whether it was a physical trauma or an emotional trauma. Whether the harm came from a wound of omission or wound of commission, we all bear the scars of our past.

As a Mamma to five kids- three biological, who were all born into a loving and supportive environment and two sweet blessings who are originally from Ethiopia, I have firsthand knowledge of how kids behave differently in a number of situations based on their history.

No one escapes a trauma as significant as a separation from a birth parent without causing trauma. Our bodies respond from the trauma by means of coping or dissociating. Coping.

As a Fiesta Family Contact, I sometimes receive very panicked calls from families struggling with the kids they dearly love. These kids, just like my own, have been in a stable environment for several years yet there is very little peace in the home. Their behaviors ebb and flow just like all kids but the contrast is evident. The inability to cope with change. The need to hoard food. The perpetual insecurities that plague their little hearts. The need to never be alone; or, always looking to tune-out. They need structure, routine and grace. It requires a parenting style that is different and often seems illogical.

And yet, in the midst of the constantly changing mystery of therapeutic parenting, there are tiny victories. As years of stability begin to  wrap around their bodies- their bodies are telling them it is ok to let that guard down. And they do so, slowly. Remember our kids are always healing and growing. You are changing the trajectory of their lives, by allowing them the time and patience to go through this grief. As we transition back to school, remember to keep your schedule mellow and calm so that they have space in their lives to process through their trauma. One day, one hour, and one conversation at a time!

*Sarah Sanchez *
505-681-3364
For updated info check out my blog at SanchezSeven.wordpress.com

Surviving Our Blessings

We know we are blessed to have our families. I can't imagine being without my quirky family, my husband and I being alone- and having free time, discretionary income and peace and quiet. I'd like to imagine it, but I can't.

And having gone through some pretty tough times with my kids, I've given a LOT of thought as to how to keep myself going so I can help my family keep going. And what it comes down to is this: I HAVE to take the time to recharge. It's not optional. It's not selfish. It's not uncaring. It is essential.

If I wear out emotionally, or physically, or worse still, have a temper tantrum, I risk damaging the hard-earned attachment formed between me and my child. I risk reminding them of the unsafe situations they have come through. I would not tell you I've never been there, been at that temper tantrum phase. I was raised not to lie. But I WILL tell you that I have learned to guard against "going there." I've learned to assess my needs and take care to at least TRY to meet them. I stay away from "the edge."

I've learned that I am a much nicer person, much better mom if I regularly commune with my sewing machine. I am kinder and smile more if I take the time to put even the tiniest drawing or watercolor in my art journal. And I couldn't do without my weekly "therapy" sessions at McDonald's or Carl's Jr when my most excellent friend and fellow adoptive mom joins me to solve the problems of the world and our children (unfortunately, they never stay solved.)

People being so different, what works for me and gives me something to smile about could be quite different for you. My husband doesn't even sew on buttons, and while he's amazing with a straight-edged ruler and a technical pencil, wouldn't pick up a watercolor brush if his life depended on it. No, his thing is football and re-runs of the History Channel with a little puttering and home repair work thrown in. Fortunately, the kids and I break plenty or toilets and towel bars for him to repair.

Do your family a favor- keep those batteries recharged. Check the Fiesta calendar and join us in trainings, activities and events this fall.

Phyllis Radtke

Looking Forward to a great Fall with Fiesta in the Gallup Area with these Great Events:

October Training:  10 Brain-based Strategies to Help Children Handle Their Emotions  with Tina Payne Bryson Ph.D.

When: Saturday Octover 4, 3-6 p.m.  

Where : To be announced

CEU’s and/or training certificates will be available. Please RSVP by Wed Oct 1 by calling or texting to Brian Kruis (505-488-8697) or Sheila Kruis (505-488-8696) or email us @ bpkruis@yahoo.com or skruis@gmcs.k12.nm.us

November Training:  10 Things  Adoption Search and Reunion with Sharon Roszia MS

When: Saturday Nov. 15 2-5 p.m.

Where:  Grace Bible Church, 222 E Boulder Rd. Gallup, NM 87301

Training certificates will be available. Please RSVP by Wed Nov 12 by calling or texting to Brian Kruis (505-488-8697) or Sheila Kruis (505-488-8696) or email us @ bpkruis@yahoo.com or skruis@gmcs.k12.nm.us

WOW! WOW! WOW!

That's the main thing I can say.  WOW!  Judy Deinema, Occupational Therpist
from Albuquerque came to Gallup  on Saturday, September 13 to do a training on Sensory
Integration issues.  She gave  practical ideas for students who are overwhelmed
with everything coming at them.  How do we help them focus, calm down,
redirect?

THE COMMUNITY IS HUNGRY to learn practical ideas for helping kids.  We
opened this training up for adoptive families and professionals who work with
our kids.  The training was on a Saturday so we didn't expect a great response
from professionals- but were we ever wrong!!  We had more people wanting to come
than we could handle.  We allowed 45 people to come to the training: teachers,
special ed, pre-school teachers, counselors, shadows,
assistants, and professionals are looking for practical answers!!!

THEIR RESPONSE?? Overwhelming positive evaluations.  Every participant
thought it was helpful.  So many said, "We need more of this." Some said,
"This should be mandatory for every new teacher".

WOW! What a valuable day!! Thanks so much Judy for sharing your knowledge!

Have a great day!
Brian Kruis

SOMEONE ELSE’S RELATIONSHIP WITH MY CHILD

It is nice when friends or professionals take notice of how special our children are.  When parts of their personality connect with another adult, it can be some relief to parents.  On the flip side of that, I have had ‘friends’,  ‘professionals’, and even family-members subtly cross that line.  You know, when you just have that nagging gut feeling that something isn’t right.  As I process those times, I realize that I am starting to realize some very important lessons.  My child cannot afford for me to ignored these lessons.

I have noticed that some individuals are drawn to children that seem to need extra help of some sort.  The children sometimes have struggling relationship with their parents or other adults.  The children may have a challenging personality.  These adults may feel a connection to the child that reminds them of an unmet need from their childhood. Their intentions may be benign, but if not kept in check, there are potential for problems.   The non-parent might feel they are better equipped to meet the child’s need even more than the parent.   Unfortunately, I do not know a way to measure this but it becomes dangerous when the need they are longing to meet is their own. 

Of course, these situations can be placed on a spectrum- small problems to major problems.  Not all of these situations cross over the line to some sort of abuse.  So, what are we worried about?  One thing that is very important to keep in mind is that not everyone who is building a relationship with your child is a potential problem.   Mentoring has a very powerful place in a child/youth’s life, as long as it is safe. 

Two of my children have had adults in their lives that have crossed the line.  Once all was taken care of, one of the realities that I learned was that my child really did want me.  They did not want secrets, even though there were fun things that came with secrets.  They were so relieved and I watched the stress leave their bodies, when I took control of the situations.

The number rule is to follow your gut.  Is it concern or fear?  If it is fear, it might be your own ‘stuff’ bubbling up.  If it is concern, talk to a trusted balanced person in your life; talk through it.  More than likely, clarity will come.

Is your child young?  Does your child have attachment struggles?  They need you.   Do you like your child and spend quantity and quality time with them?  Other people can pick up on these subtleties too.  If you find out there are secrets being kept, or ‘special’ things between an adult friend and your child, this is a huge warning sign.  It is not usually the overt signs that we have a hard time seeing, but the subtle signs.

For me, one of the important lessons in these situations is not just to know what to watch for, but to ask where my relationship with my child is.  Does my child experience daily acceptance, enjoyment, and love from a relationship with me? 

I can easily live in fear of the lurking ‘Boogey Man/Woman’.  I can spend a lot of energy in being angry and resentful at those adults who cross those lines. 

The greatest reminder for me is me!  Where is my responsibility in all of this?  Am I easy for my child to approach?  Am I too busy?  Is my resentment building up towards a difficult child?    These are all great things to be mindful of.

The other point to remember is our children that we have adopted come from a place of brokenness and neediness.  They give off signals that, more than likely, they do not recognize.  Be sensitive to those you surround yourself with.  Be aware of who is around your kids.  Do not down-play when they are uncomfortable or really drawn to certain adults. It is always our job to keep them safe and to teach along the way to be aware.

YOU are who and what, your child needs.

Monica Cohu 

Parenting and Family Fun

When our kids are difficult, snarky, super challenging or - dare I say it?- raging, about the last thing we want to do is have fun with them. Fun- what's that? In our heart-of-hearts we'd probably rather be about a million miles away.

But does that solve the problem? No. As their parents, we still have to work through their behaviors and their acting-out, and at the same time that we're raising our "children of trauma," re-build their childhoods with memory-making fun activities.

It's up to us to show our children what CAN be, what fun is.
They need us to build memories with them. Memories of camping and Wet 'N Wild, and blowing bubbles in the back yard, wrestling with the dog, planting tomatoes, and smearing icing all over the counter when we make those chocolate cupcakes.

I've got seven kids- six adopted- and heaven knows I've made my fair share of mistakes while raising them. I learned as I want along, so I didn't usually make the same mistake twice. But the mistake that I truly grieve is letting my snarkiest kid get away with "killing" the family fun. That was SO unfair to him.

(Yes, I said to Him)

If I had it to do over, I would have drug him along on the usual family outings, and if he needed to be on the periphery, scowling, while the rest of the family had fun, so be it. At least he would have had the OPPORTUNITY for fun, would have seen what fun looks like; the rest of the family would have had fun : and with his flair for editing and re-writing the past, I can imagine that by now, as a 20+ year old he will have written himself into the memories.

We aim- during Fiesta training child care- to give your child fun, educational experiences. Our trained therapeutic child care providers will do their best to make the hours together pleasant and memory making. You will have fun, too. Join us for our next fun event!

Phyllis Wood Radtke