‎"Year After Year We Roll with the Changes"

Sometimes when I'm around 'those other parents' who are overwhelmed by their kids’ C in math I want to scream, "You have NO IDEA what overwhelmed is all about!" Some days I'm so overwhelmed by the needs that are waiting to be met and the daily concerns for keeping everyone safe, that I sometimes I can't even make myself cry. My body needs to but my mind says "No Time For that!" I see these perfectly manicured mothers who are dragging their kids along while I'm blessed that mine are "timed-in” and safe to this overweight, sometimes-showered mom!

Now that we have many years of being an adoptive family under our belts, I've had the privilege to know that the really bad times come and that they'll come again, then they'll roll away. Last night I sat laughing/crying because I realized this yet again. Rollin’s leg was cut with a chain saw and one of our most traumatized kids saw it happen. This 'Tough' kiddo that won’t allow affection came straight in and hugged me. Sweet baby. I teased him later that it wasn't the trauma from his past that is the problem, it's the trauma that we saw with his dad! He laughed. Four months ago I lost enough vision to be considered legally blind. But as a family we are going thru it together.

The point is... we keep going. We can't stop and get stuck. We can't consider defeat and I, for one, refuse to be backed into a corner. Somedays, all I can do is to decide to roll with the changes and make sure everyone is safe! The things that overwhelmed me a few years ago I don't even feel today. Life truly is good. Monica Cohu.

“I'm glad our house isn't the only one I feel should be wearing warning signs that say ‘Family Under Construction,’ ‘Things may get loud,’ ‘Beware: High Voltage-Emotional Overload Danger!’ Sarah McCord

Upcoming Training

September 22nd we will be having a training/discussion on kids who have had past trauma complicated by other diagnosis such as autism spectrum/aspergers, ADHD, cognitive delays or other developmental disabilities. We'll be talking about sensory strategies, routines, transitions, tantrums, aggression, impulsivity, social stories, playfulness, behavior management techniques and how to respond to rude comments. Please message me your questions and be prepared to share things that have worked for you. Location will be Corrales International School In ABQ, but parents (and anyone who supports them) state-wide are welcome to attend. RSVP's required. 1-888-298-7562

Hello All!
This is Tim Martinez from Northern NM. I am the adoptive father of six, that's right, six children. I never thought I would or could be the father of such wonderful and amazing kiddos. I also never thought that I would be writing on a blog!
I wanted to chime in on this blog to touch base with other families that have adopted, that are thinking about adoption or just found this blog at three in the morning cause you couldn't sleep!
Being a parent is the toughest job out there, hands down. I only wonder what tomorrow will bring, sometimes with hesitation, sometimes with happiness, sometimes with plain old fear!
I have been through Crazy Town many times in my trek to bring up a well connected, happy, and fun to be around child. I purposely left out the adjectives: responsible,successful,and respected. I believe that if I raise my children to be well connected, happy and fun to be around, the other things will fall into place. Easy to say and a bit harder to do.
My wife is the glue that keeps everything together. She is just an awesome person! I wonder where she hides her battery pack cause she just never stops going.
Which brings me to the point of my message. WE NEED EACH OTHER!! We need our wives, we need our husbands, we need our partners. We need friends, family members, co-workers. We are human beings, and being as such we are biologically made to need other human interaction.
I am not a versed writer or have my English Lit major, as you can surely tell, however, I got behind my computer and had to try and send a message that we need to form a sense of community again, We need to help one another. When I need help with something, I call call on my wife, a neighbor, or a close friend.
Building a close friendship does not happen overnight, and we have to open up ourselves and be a bit vulnerable(which is terribly hard for most males, myself included). The rewards are worth more than rubies or gold!
So I am calling on all who read this blog from an old man up in northern NM to start forming a community based way to bring up our kids. Call a friend, family member or neighbor at start the process of building relationships and tight knit bonds that will stand strong through all the storms that families like ours go through everyday.
Lets raise some well connected, happy and fun to be around kids!
Regards,
TM

Difficult People

You know, as a parent going into the land of adoption, that you’re going to have to deal with social workers. What you find, though, may not be what you expect. Social workers are no different that other people. Some have good hearts, pure motives and an amazing ethical foundation. Some don’t. You would think that a person goes into it with one goal in mind- to help kids who are in difficult circumstances fit into the right family. Sometimes that gets lost after time and the person you see has become hard. Their idealistic idea of helping kids has gotten jaded by the situations they find themselves in every day and the bad attitudes of the people they deal with. Before you know it, the kind-hearted social worker has become disappointed, frustrated and hurt. They are not so easy to relate with. They can be demanding, critical, and hardened to the people on their team. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between the “good guys” and the “bad guys” and you just have to concentrate on keeping your own attitude in check and staying true to the goal of helping kids.

You know, as a social worker going into the land of adoption, that you’re going to have to deal with adoptive parents. What you find, though, may not be what you expect. These parents are no different than other people. Some have good hearts, pure motives and an amazing ethical foundation. Some don’t. You would think that a person goes into it with one goal in mind- to help kids who are in difficult circumstances fit into the right family. Sometimes that gets lost after time and the person you see has become hard. Their idealistic idea of helping kids has gotten jaded by the situations they find themselves in every day and the bad attitudes of the people they deal with. Before you know it, the kind-hearted adoptive mom or dad has become disappointed, frustrated and hurt. They are not so easy to relate with. They can be demanding, critical, and hardened to the people on their team. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between the “good guys” and the “bad guys” and you just have to concentrate on keeping your own attitude in check and staying true to the goal of helping kids.

August in Central NM...

August started of with a BANG!  We all enjoyed the Albuquerque Snack-N-Chat on the 5th, the kiddo's had fun (as usual) even though the room they usually enjoy playing in was under construction ... Thanks to our EXCELLENT child care providers everyone handled the change beautifully!

The Valencia county LaFamilia/Namaste office is perfect for FIESTA activities; we had our first Coffee-N-Chat meeting there the evening of the 10th.  We talked about all kinds of things ... we laughed at ourselves while talking about the excitement of filling our homes with "our kind of kids" ... we talked (and laughed) about our friends and families and what they think about adoption ... we also shed a tear or two during our conversation.

The Albuquerque area FIESTA families enjoyed BEYOND CONSEQUENCES training the morning of the 11th - WOW SUCH a different concept.  There is information in our lending library on this subject.  Thank you Deborah for spending your Saturday morning helping us to understand this very powerful method of parenting. 

Big, Big Family

I have thirteen kids. I can remember when I found out that I was pregnant for number 4, my husband’s jogging buddy, a psychologist, was appalled. “How can you possibly have a connected relationship with all of those kids!?” he asked. (I wonder what he would say now.) But it is a question worth asking, and is becoming controversial in some adoption circles- is it really a good thing to have such a large family, especially when some of them have a lot of issues?

All families have similarities, but things work differently in a large household. There are a lot of pluses- my kids always have someone to play with, someone to whisper with at night in their rooms; any special occasion becomes a party and we can have a full scale soccer game or basketball game when the whole family gets together; the birthday song is LOUD; there’s plenty of love to go around. And there are some challenges- my kids always have someone to argue with and blame, someone to interrupt their sleep with a bad dream or early morning chatter, a special occasion can be overwhelming, the birthday song is LOUD, and sometimes it can feel like there’s not always enough time to go around.

There are two things that I learned as a young mom that really help me make sure that no one gets less than their share of time and love. I heard the phrase, “God doesn’t love us all, He loves us each,” and I decided to make that one of my mantras. Each child needs to be appreciated as an important individual and not just as a part of the crowd. Secondly, my kids all help out- they help with the dishes, each others’ homework, feeding our zoo of pets, doing their own laundry. But the one thing that they never help me with is parenting. The fact that they have responsibilities frees my husband and I to spend the time, teach the lessons, give the hugs, and then everyone can play. It can be difficult, at times, just like any family, but well worth it. I love my crazy, busy, loud and happy houseful of characters.

By the way, many of my kids are grown and on their own. My household consists of my husband and me, a helpful college student daughter, two disabled adults and five kids. Even though they don’t all still live at home, I like to tell people I have thirteen just to see the look on their faces. It’s all part of the fun.

Upcoming Adoption Support Events in Gallup, NM

Attachment or Attunement?

Recently, Dr Alexander quoted on our fiesta Face Book page...‎"Sometimes the question is not so much of attachment, but attunement: the capacity of the parent to be emotionally in tune with the child. Many children are well attached to their parents, but the latter are too stressed or too distracted to be attuned to their kids ...." Gabor Mate, from 'What Ails Us,' The Sun, August 2012. It really rang true to me. In browsing some of my online adoption groups over the summer, I noticed several people asking, “How do I know when my child becomes attached?” or “How long does it take for a child to attach?” as if it is a one-time event. Little Sammy goes to bed on Tuesday unattached and wakes up on Wednesday securely attached. I don’t know. I see attachment as a spectrum or an on-going process over a lonnngg period of time- something that needs to be planted and watered, tended and nurtured until my child is grown and beyond. And what happens when you finally decide (or your therapist tells you) that your child has “attached?” Does that mean that you can slowly back away into your meaningful adult activities and check on your child occasionally, while she is playing video games in the other room?

I decided that I love the term, “attunement.” instead. (Quite honestly, I’ve lived in the world of adoption long enough to become quite tired of “attachment” talk.) Attunement means that I pay attention to my child’s behavior and act accordingly. This summer, one of my daughters has asked several times to have alone time with me. It’s what she needs and she been able to ask for it clearly. But when a few days or a week go by without my schedule allowing it, her behavior warns me that there will be trouble if I do not attune myself to her. Attunement means that I do not just listen to the spoken requests, or the hints of bad behavior, but even the nuances of eye contact and inflections. It requires me to be fully aware and present with each of my children to read between the lines and adjust my schedule, my tone, my expectations and my reactions to dance with my child.