We went to the movies today. I was excited because I only
had the two little kids with me- everything is easier with two kids instead of
five. Frankly, over these last few years, attending the theatre with two
toddlers with attachment issues has been a battle. The tension oozing from my
youngest was tangible and lasted from the second we entered the theatre until
long after we had left. They have been in our home for 4 ½ years now, and as I
waited in the concession line for the lady in front of me to order 97 separate
items, I had time to analyze how my parenting approach had changed.
I choose to take the kids out to the movies because most of
us enjoy it immensely, but to keep within the budget we go to the dollar
theatres and we share popcorn and drinks. It is simple, efficient, affordable and fun.
If we stay within these guidelines we can go to the movies regularly. The family
has talked this through and the kids are happy to share if it means getting to
attend more frequently! Happy Kids + Happy Mom=Win/Win
Enter into the
scenario a traumatized toddler with food and anxiety issues. As we settled into
our first movie three or so years ago, I had all the kids seated. I had
explained to the kids that as soon as the movie started I would go stand in
line and bring back popcorn and soda. I was the only adult, so I wanted to be
gone in the concession line for the least amount of time possible. My little
man started in, “I want a drink, I want popcorn, I want coke, where is the
coke, why can’t I have popcorn?” And for the next 10 minutes it felt like he
was standing there with a fire hose drowning me with his verbal demands. He was
so insistent and worked up that he was crying, sobbing, completely unable to
regulate himself. We were already in melt-down mode so I left him with an older
sibling and sprinted to the line and came back with 2 sodas and a large
popcorn- crisis averted. Right? Oh no! If someone dared ask for the soda to be
passed down for a sip he would be sobbing and obsessed with holding it AND the
popcorn.
Let’s pause this
story for a moment. This is emotional tension on steroids. This emotional
tension was exhausting for me. I wasn’t used to living in an environment where
there was so much chaos, and especially over something so simple. For the first
few years of parenting our traumatized (post-orphanage) kids, I was convinced
that they were the reasons for the
disconnect. Obviously right? Healthy, normal kids don’t often act like their
life is in danger at the thought of sharing a soda at a theatre.
I have since learned
to change my expectations and movie strategies. I already know in advance that
all my kids have strengths and weaknesses. Food is a tender area for this
little man. I could have had him share a soda today and he would have survived.
But survival sucks. I don’t want my kids doing the minimum, I want them to
thrive. So I bought that boy his very own large soda AND I let him hold the
popcorn. Because it isn’t about the soda at all. It is about loss. And he has
allowed me to look into his little heart, and what he is capable of saying to
me at this time is, “I need more- more time, more hugs, more love, more
attention, more structure, more food, more snacks, more, more, more.” This used
to drive me crazy, and it still does sometimes. But I can look at his cries for
soda and put on my special super-duper-Mommy glasses and see that what he is
really saying is that he is still scared.
And I’m truly thankful for the fact that he is voicing his needs. Emotions and
fear are hard to process, even for adults. If I shut him down, I’m never going
to get to that next layer, because I guarantee you there is more coming. Grief
and loss can be an invisible wave that washes slowly into your psyche or it can
be a tidal wave that rocks you so hard your head is spinning. The waves of
grief that surround our traumatized kids are always there and it is up to us as
parents to look past the behaviors and realize that these kids have different
needs than the ones who were rocked and cooed at during infancy. Sometimes it
is a simple fix like plopping $6 for a large soda. But it is bridging the gaps
in his brain. As we continually meet these demands, his little brain is forming
new pathways, he is learning to relax, and he is learning to trust. Not bad for
6 bucks!
Just to test my
little experiment, I asked if his sister could have a sip of his orange soda
about 30 minutes into the movie. And while he complied, I could see his fear
filled eyes reengage instantly. That is where he is; it makes me sad for him.
Bryan Post says that “trauma has the ability to impact us for the rest of our
lives.” It is completely true. Do not be fooled, time does not heal all wounds.
Relationship, eye contact, routine, consistency, can begin to heal some losses-
but only if we are mindful of what is driving the behavior. -Sarah Sanchez
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