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Saturday, May 24, 2014

Food Issues, Mommy Glasses, and the Movies


We went to the movies today. I was excited because I only had the two little kids with me- everything is easier with two kids instead of five. Frankly, over these last few years, attending the theatre with two toddlers with attachment issues has been a battle. The tension oozing from my youngest was tangible and lasted from the second we entered the theatre until long after we had left. They have been in our home for 4 ½ years now, and as I waited in the concession line for the lady in front of me to order 97 separate items, I had time to analyze how my parenting approach had changed.

I choose to take the kids out to the movies because most of us enjoy it immensely, but to keep within the budget we go to the dollar theatres and we share popcorn and drinks.  It is simple, efficient, affordable and fun. If we stay within these guidelines we can go to the movies regularly. The family has talked this through and the kids are happy to share if it means getting to attend more frequently! Happy Kids + Happy Mom=Win/Win

 Enter into the scenario a traumatized toddler with food and anxiety issues. As we settled into our first movie three or so years ago, I had all the kids seated. I had explained to the kids that as soon as the movie started I would go stand in line and bring back popcorn and soda. I was the only adult, so I wanted to be gone in the concession line for the least amount of time possible. My little man started in, “I want a drink, I want popcorn, I want coke, where is the coke, why can’t I have popcorn?” And for the next 10 minutes it felt like he was standing there with a fire hose drowning me with his verbal demands. He was so insistent and worked up that he was crying, sobbing, completely unable to regulate himself. We were already in melt-down mode so I left him with an older sibling and sprinted to the line and came back with 2 sodas and a large popcorn- crisis averted. Right? Oh no! If someone dared ask for the soda to be passed down for a sip he would be sobbing and obsessed with holding it AND the popcorn.

 Let’s pause this story for a moment. This is emotional tension on steroids. This emotional tension was exhausting for me. I wasn’t used to living in an environment where there was so much chaos, and especially over something so simple. For the first few years of parenting our traumatized (post-orphanage) kids, I was convinced that they were the reasons for the disconnect. Obviously right? Healthy, normal kids don’t often act like their life is in danger at the thought of sharing a soda at a theatre.

 I have since learned to change my expectations and movie strategies. I already know in advance that all my kids have strengths and weaknesses. Food is a tender area for this little man. I could have had him share a soda today and he would have survived. But survival sucks. I don’t want my kids doing the minimum, I want them to thrive. So I bought that boy his very own large soda AND I let him hold the popcorn. Because it isn’t about the soda at all. It is about loss. And he has allowed me to look into his little heart, and what he is capable of saying to me at this time is, “I need more- more time, more hugs, more love, more attention, more structure, more food, more snacks, more, more, more.” This used to drive me crazy, and it still does sometimes. But I can look at his cries for soda and put on my special super-duper-Mommy glasses and see that what he is really saying is that he is still scared. And I’m truly thankful for the fact that he is voicing his needs. Emotions and fear are hard to process, even for adults. If I shut him down, I’m never going to get to that next layer, because I guarantee you there is more coming. Grief and loss can be an invisible wave that washes slowly into your psyche or it can be a tidal wave that rocks you so hard your head is spinning. The waves of grief that surround our traumatized kids are always there and it is up to us as parents to look past the behaviors and realize that these kids have different needs than the ones who were rocked and cooed at during infancy. Sometimes it is a simple fix like plopping $6 for a large soda. But it is bridging the gaps in his brain. As we continually meet these demands, his little brain is forming new pathways, he is learning to relax, and he is learning to trust. Not bad for 6 bucks!

 Just to test my little experiment, I asked if his sister could have a sip of his orange soda about 30 minutes into the movie. And while he complied, I could see his fear filled eyes reengage instantly. That is where he is; it makes me sad for him. Bryan Post says that “trauma has the ability to impact us for the rest of our lives.” It is completely true. Do not be fooled, time does not heal all wounds. Relationship, eye contact, routine, consistency, can begin to heal some losses- but only if we are mindful of what is driving the behavior. -Sarah Sanchez

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