For years, sometimes longer than we parents
realize, we are to be containment for our children’s feelings. It is our job to be their “internal
regulator.” With relationship comes the ability to speak into their lives. At
specific times we begin to teach them how to regulate their own feelings. We step into sharing the containing, then
eventually we hand the job over to them.
If you are at the store and your
child begins to be disruptive (in any way) you usually give a verbal warning or
a look. “Stop it!” As moments continue,
the child begins the behaviors again. Your frustration increases, along with
feeling the lack of control flowing away.
After several times, you may give a threat, “If you don’t stop that, you will lose TV tonight”. Or you might try bribery, “If you can control yourself until we get to
the car, I’ll buy you a candy bar”.
These techniques can work for a period of time. That is why we use them
again and again. Unfortunately, they
only work for short spurts. They are not
teaching internal regulation skills and they are not building a mutual
relationship between you and your child.
It actually places pressure between the two of you.
First of all, the use of
punitive consequences can come from a feeling of losing control. The parent cannot get her child to behave the
way the parent is comfortable with.
Then, as the behaviors continue to come up, bribes and threats continue,
the parent begins to feel like a failure, and possibly resentful of the child. In turn, the child’s anxiety increases and he
experiences hurt and anger.
Now, let us take a look what
is going inside the brain. Our children
that come from compromised beginnings measure dangerously high levels of cortisol
(stress hormone) and their oxytocin (love hormone) is measured dangerously in
deficit levels.
Look at how the technique of
bribery works. The child is stressed
(negative behavior). The parent gives into the candy. There is a short oxytocin release (the child
feels good) but the child has not learned how to regulate her emotions. When the sugar kicks in, behaviors begin to
increase. Then the sugar drops, and behaviors continue to increase. Now, a bigger-better external means of regulation
is needed, and so on and so on. When
this calming wears off, it met by the release of more cortisol. The child begins to see external means as
regulation (very similar to how addictions work), instead of increasing
oxytocin through relationship. Points
and rewards work this way also.
Sometimes when we use these traditional techniques, they work for a
while. A child may hold it together as
long as she can, then out of exhaustion, she cannot anymore.
Consequences work in a
similar neurological way. A negative
behavior occurs. More cortisol is released.
A consequence is given, more cortisol floods the brain. We take away or send away (time out), even more
cortisol is produces. The use of
relationship to regulate is not happening or being taught. Cortisol is now rushing through our child.
Survival is in control.
Relationship is not about techniques. It is about being in-tune to where you are emotionally
and where your child is emotionally.
This is how a child will learn regulation. Regulation through relationship only
counteracts cortisol by releasing oxytocin, but builds up reserves of
oxytocin. That is self-regulation. We
cannot just look at what we see externally, but understand what is internal.
Monica Cohu
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