Navigators News

It is hard to believe I am at the fourth anniversary of my children’s arrival. Looking back, four years ago, there were many times I was at a complete loss and felt isolated and scared. I was not new to adoption, having adopted my oldest daughter as a teenager some years prior. Having successfully navigated the teen years, I did not anticipate the challenges that were to come. Friends and family members were having babies and there were no ready playmates for my then four and six years olds. Those that I knew or encountered with kids close in age to mine had raised them from birth and the challenges they experienced were different. Often, rather than feeling more connected, the lack of shared experience made me feel more alone. 

There were times in the first two years, where my children could not sit through an activity for more than 10 minutes. As someone who is not the greatest of planners, this was very hard for me. Trying to come up with enough activities to get through a day could have been my full time job. I remember weekends stretching out for what seemed like forever, and when I felt like I should have earned a medal just for making it to bedtime. 

There were two things I really needed at that time; support and things to do with my kids. I am not alone in this need. All parents struggle, regardless of whether their children are biological or not. With adoption, some of the challenges are different. It was a relief when, through the Rio Grande Navigators scouting group, I met others who had or were going through similar struggles. These folks understood what it was like to have a child having nonstop tantrums every Saturday as my daughter struggled with the change in routine. They understood my son's indifference to my authority, and that his not listening was not "bad parenting".  

The Rio Grande Navigators is a family-focused scouting group that involves the whole family in monthly scouting activities, called “treks.” Kids get to meet other kids, build friendships, and earn scouting merit badges. Many of our kids struggle socially, however the parent involvement structure of Rio Grande Navigators allows for parents to help facilitate these interactions when appropriate.  Parents have the opportunity to meet other parents and build their own support system. The planned activities are interesting and often things the kids would not get to do on their own. I take my kids hiking all the time. But I likely would never have had them build rockets or set up a tour of a fire station. My kids look forward to the activities, though more than that, they are excited to see their friends.  Building on the family-focus, each family takes a turn organizing a trek once or twice per year.  Kids receive their badges, which they can display on their Navigator hat, twice a year during a formal celebratory Badge Ceremony. 

I am not desperate for the activities as I was three or four years ago. We can now enjoy each Navigators trek for its unique experience. But I remember a time, not all that long ago, when something to do for a few hours on a weekend day would have felt like a lifesaver. Though the challenges I have with my kids have decreased, when they arise, it is other Navigator parents that I turn to for support. 

I encourage others to participate in the Rio Grande Navigators, or start a Navigator scouting group on your own area, and become a part of our community.

Ilyssa Bozza

Free Therapy Tool!

You know those mirror neurons you’re always hearing about reprogramming? How about the rerouting of neuropathways? Good news! Adoptive mom, Kelly Matney, has developed a great new therapy intervention to help re-frame the way your child sees himself, his family and his world. (Yes, she’s a genius. No, she is not a researcher or neuropsychologist.) It isn’t expensive and you don’t need to order advertised equipment. You already have the tool- your smart phone. Kelly catches her three littles while they are in “real child” mode- laughing, smiling, playing, connecting with each other, connecting with their parents (lots of selfies). Kelly takes a lot of photos. Then she deletes a lot of photos. The ones she keeps are precious- loving looks between siblings, hugs with mom, laughing at a joke with dad, fun in the snow, the backyard, the breakfast table, the museum. (Even if you get only one keeper out of 50, it’s as simple as hitting delete. 49 times. Lol) What is left is priceless. It is a chance to show your child how beautiful he is, how much his parents delight in him, how much fun you have together, and what a great family he has. If he missed those moments gazing into your eyes as a newborn, he has an opportunity to do it now. Because the trick is to make sure your child sees the photos. A lot. Make them into an album, make them into a book, browse them on the phone together when you’re stuck in line at the grocery store or doctor’s waiting room or snuggled up on the couch. Let your child know how cute he is (even if he's 15) and how much you love your time together. Those quick glimpses into the eyes of the child underneath the tantrums and attitudes, the sweet softness as your child is sleeping, petting the dog, or reading to his brother will change his opinion of himself and reinforce his value in your family and his world. And what kid doesn’t love to look at photos of himself?! Brilliant, Kelly. Brilliant.

Fiesta 101

A few years ago, a group of adoption professionals, seeing the need, decided to create a program to support adoptive parents. They wanted to make it available to all adoptive families, not just those who had adopted through the state, but also privately, internationally, and within their existing family structure. They wanted to provide services to the entire family, including biological children with adopted siblings. They wanted to tackle tough issues like grief and loss. Difficult behavior. Race and culture. Mental health. Fiesta was the result. FIESTA is an acronym for Family Activities, Information, Education, Support, and Training.

In the five regions throughout the state, there are “Family Contacts,” who are adoptive parents that organize at least four opportunities for families to get together each quarter. These events are sometimes called, “Coffee and Chat,” or “Snack and Chat” or may be something like attending a community event together, meeting at a park or having a family game night. During a typical “Coffee and Chat,” child care is provided free of charge for all of the children in the family, adopted or not (because of liability, we are not allowed to provide this service to kids in treatment care). Our child care staff has strict guidelines like never being alone with a child, never putting a child in “time out,” keeping confidentiality, and most importantly, facilitating a planned schedule of activities so that each child has fun. The plan includes a short lesson or theme, a small motor activity like a craft, a large motor activity like a relay race, and plenty of time to socialize. Staff is prepared to engage with babies to teens. While the kids are busy, the adults can get to know one another, exchange stories and contact information to support each other through the month. Other family activities allow the families to enjoy and participate in a shared experience. Many long-lasting friendships have been formed through these activities. This is the “F” in FIESTA.

The “I” stands for information. Fiesta has a huge lending library of books and videos for parents, children and professionals who serve adoptive families. We’ll even pay for the shipping back and forth if you live outside of Albuquerque. You can find the list of resources on our website, nmfiestaproject.org

“E” is for education. We have workshops in every region once a month. Topics include attachment and trauma, discipline and nurture, understanding behavior, and self-care. Workshops that have been helpful in the past few months have touched on topics such as internet safety, IEPs, helping extended families to understand adoption issues, the challenges of FASD, and respite. Our respite co-op is a group of families who have attended this training and learned ways to be an effective “sending parent” as well as a “receiving parent.” After this required training, families are entered into a co-op where they can arrange respite among themselves. All of our trainings count as required hours for CYFD families.

The “S” stands for support. Besides the monthly networking events, Family Contacts are available by phone to help parents find answers to questions about everything from challenging behavior strategies to homework struggles. These fellow adoptive parents don’t have all of the answers, but can help guide you to professional help when needed or supply a listening ear. They can attend school meetings as an advocate and note-taker, sit beside you in difficult meetings, and sometimes even go to your home to brain-storm with you about situations you may be facing. Other supports that families rely on are our face book group and blog.

T is for Training. Once a year we provide a training in each region for professionals who work with adoptive families. Free CEUs are offered. 

The “A” means that all families are welcome- singles, kinship, LGBT, Spanish-speaking, and the people who support them. We have a family contact that is designated to support families who have members with disabilities. Pre-adoptive parents are always welcome.

New Mexico Fiesta Project exists with only one purpose- to support, encourage, and equip adoptive families in this state. Everything that we offer is free of charge and the project is fully staffed by adoptive parents. Please browse our site and borrow a book, plan to attend an event or training, or check us out on face book. We’d love to meet you!

 

 

 

It's Fishy

I got sick once after eating crepes with seafood sauce in a restaurant. I thought I would die. I remember lying on the bathroom floor, unable to move, while four little kids were yelling for me just outside the door. I was the only adult in the house and I wondered if any of them would remember how to dial 911 if it came down to it. I survived, but my love of shrimp in creamy sauce didn’t. That was 30 years ago, and I haven’t eaten anything like it since. You can tell me that it is delicious. You can assure me that it’s safe, that you eat it all the time, that I have absolutely nothing to fear, but I will decline. I will dig my heels in and refuse. Yes, I know that it’s perfectly safe. Yes, I realize it isn’t logical. But my brain is all flashing red lights and loud sirens. Danger! Stand back from the seafood! It doesn’t even sound good.

One of my kids is fearful. Her fear-behavior doesn’t often look like defiance or control or disrespect (and for that I am grateful), it looks like fear. She is afraid to go down to the basement, afraid to take the trash outside at night, afraid of the coyotes that might come into the backyard and eat her, afraid to speak to someone she doesn’t know (or sometimes someone she does). It’s sad to see and hard to fix. How do you convince someone that there is nothing to be afraid of? It’s been especially bad recently because of some changes that have happened in her world. (She’s afraid of change.) I thought to myself the other day, “After all these years of helping her feel safe, why is she still so fearful? It’s perfectly safe. It’s not logical.” But then I remembered the seafood crepes and as the nausea hit me, so did a flash of realization. Her brain is all flashing red lights and loud sirens and it takes time and intension to overcome that. Her experience is not based on a one-time food poisoning trauma. It is based on too many experiences to count, some that she will never remember. Experiences that woke her toddler-self every night for months with the most heartbreaking, terrified screaming imaginable. Experiences that caused her to startle and cry out, wide-eyed, whenever the doorbell rang or the dog barked.

Then I think of other kids- the ones whose fear does look like defiance, lying, stealing and control. Their brains are also all flashing red lights and sirens- not always easy to put into perspective in the heat of the battle, but still there to provide a way to survive.

I need to remember that logic isn’t involved in what our kids believe about safety.

I might even order the shrimp next time.