I was able to attend a training with Dr. Karen Purvis of TCU today. In a word, AMAZING. I highly recommend you read her book, The Connected Child and visit the website www.child.tcu.edu and www.empoweredtoconnect.org Here are a few highlights...
Think about how much time you spend correcting your child's behaviors...the average is 85%... Dr. Purvis suggested that the three parental responsibilities are Connecting with our child, Empowering our children with words and choices and Correcting and teaching behaviors. Studies have shown that most parents spend the majority of the time correcting and the least amount of time connecting with their child. She was clear this isn't about getting stepped on or run over by our kids, it is ALL about meeting them where they are and showing them that they are WORTH being in relationship with. Dr. Purvis also reminded us to parent to our child's developmental age instead of focusing on their chronological age.
She talked a lot about nutrition and meeting basic needs. Dr. Purvis said "our" kids need to be given a nutritious snack every two hours and kept hydrated. She believes that kids with an abuse and neglect history are very commonly chronically dehydrated. She suggested that we look into a property in green tea called theanine ( http://www.ehow.com/how_4747605_whether-green-tea-relieves-stress.html )as a stress reducer for our kids and increasing our use of cinnamon as a blood sugar leveler for kids with mood swings. We discussed the enormous value of Omega 3s and 6s...especially flax and chia seeds! I've recently been adding these to my family's diet so I was thrilled!
We discussed parenting styles ranging from Neglectful to Permissive to Authoritative to Authoritarian. Most of our kids come out of Neglectful Parenting backgrounds and studies show that many adoptive and foster parents fall in the Authoritarian realm. Dr. Purvis discussed the need to move toward an Authoritative persuasion which is high in structure but also really high in warmth and nurturing. She shared a quote from Abraham Lincoln, "Force is all conquering but its victories are shortlived". We know our kids need structure but in order to have attachment, you have to add the nurturing and warmth...As I've heard someone say in the past, "Who would want to attach to a crabby ol bitty?" She reminded us to ALWAYS focus on downloading our kids with authentic praise and treat our kids with respect even in their worst behaviors.
Dr. Purvis talked about things that they do at TCU to serve "kids from hard places" and one of the coolest things in my mind was that they created what they call a "crash and bump" room. It is a safe place for kids to get their sensory needs met. She suggested that our kids need and actually crave access to things that meet their sensory needs because they often didn't get those needs met in infancy and toddlerhood. She suggested the room should contain things like..a sit and spin, a pool of dry kidney beans, a tub of rice, mats for tumbling, hoola hoops and a barrel for rolling.
She ended by sharing what she believes are the four most important things for adoptive parents to know and understand....
1. Attachment
2. Sensory Needs and Issues
3. Brain Development
4. Neurochemistry of Fear
It is my hope that FIESTA will be bringing trainings focused on these four topics to each area of New Mexico in the next year. There is hope, there is healing..we can get there...
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