Perceptions

The other day a family friend dropped by. He’s one of those people who has strong political opinions and shares them without filter. I would guess that we all have friends or family members like that. He’s a kind, Latino man in his mid-forties, who has never been married or had children. He walked into the kitchen where my husband and I were assembling plates of granola pancakes and melon for dinner (because, once again, neither of us had given dinner much thought until it was time to eat). Four or five kids were already at the table, anticipating and maybe listening, but probably strategizing the many ways that they could arrange to include sugar into the meal. So. Our friend says in his loud voice, “I heard on the radio that there were some black extremists who decided to blah, blah, and caused all kinds of trouble by blah blah, Trayvon Martain, blah blah…” when I held up my hand and stopped him by reminding him that there were kids listening and he needed to be careful what he said in our house. He looked in the direction of the table and seemed to be surprised to see kids of many shades looking at him. He sheepishly changed the topic of conversation and behaved himself the rest of the night.

Later, I was replaying the event in my mind, deciding if I handled it right. Should I have said more, said it differently, let it slide? Would talking with the kids about it now make it a bigger deal since they may not have even heard what he said? Is it a teaching opportunity to explain how some people, even friends, can have opinions that we find offensive or should I let it go? I wondered why, so often, people forget that the kids are different races, when it dawned on me- maybe they think of my kids as white. Maybe they noticed and thought about race when some of our kids moved into our family, but maybe now, after time, they simply think of them as Gloetzners- white people. Would he have been so free with his words if we were all black? (And really, please don’t categorize people in subtle negative ways to anyone in my family- no matter what color they are.)

I was talking to another adoptive mom a few months ago when this subject came up. She has a black teen son and lives in a tiny NM town. They don’t talk about race at all and every one of his friends is white, I asked her if she thought he considered himself black and if he thought about it much. What would happen when he left the small town and schoolmates for college or work where no one would see him as part of a white family and treat him like the black man that he is becoming? She hadn’t really ever thought about it. The entire community sees him as white. Ignoring race is not doing this teen any favors. Because it isn’t freely discussed in his house, doesn’t mean it isn’t on his mind. A lot. Seeing the kids at my table as part of a white family and not as part of the black community is not doing them any favors. Assuming that being in a white family makes you white is insulting and harmful to kids. I think it’s time to have a heart-to-heart talk with my friend.

Question

I recently attended a training at The Attachment Healing Center with director, Michelle Coleman. (I highly recommend it.) In speaking about neurology and why we don't want to parent out of our reptilian brain (think about how reptiles parent), she suggested that there is another coping mechanism to add to "fight, flight or freeze." A fourth survival response can also be, "mend and be-friend." It reminded me of a story of a lady who was kidnapped and forced into a car with a creepy bad guy. Over the course of a couple of hours, he drove and she talked. In be-friending him, even mothering him to some extent, she won her freedom, unharmed. Do you think this is a valid idea and, if so, how can we use it as parents?

A Little Word on Subsidies

Aodopting some of my kids felt like winning a new car. “You mean I get to keep it? Forever? It’s mine? No payments?” But a couple of the adoption packages have come with a financial piece. It’s like winning the car and then finding out that you get free gas, as well. Talking about money makes me uncomfortable. The fact that when I adopted some of my kids, they came with a stipend, makes me uncomfortable. But here’s the truth for many of us- “I didn’t adopt them for the money, but I couldn’t have managed without it.” I wouldn’t have been able to stay home as much; I have no idea how I would have attended all of the doctor/therapy/school/clinic appointments; going on vacation, even a low-budget one would have been impossible. I would have adopted them anyway- we would have managed somehow. But I’m thankful that the money is there to give them more of my time and energy. After all, this isn’t a new car that I’ve won. This one has gone a long time without an oil-change and it’s been in a crash or two.

So here I am. I’m grateful for the stipend, but I really don’t think about it much. I get a statement in the mail and file it with the others in case I need to take out a loan. Otherwise, it’s just in the budget and it will be there forever. Right? Not so much. These children of mine are growing up at their own pace. While my bio’s hit 18 ready to fly, these youngsters will take their time. I know this. I’m fine with it. I understand that they will need my continued support in many ways when they hit adulthood. As their needs may increase (college, cars, apartments, mistakes) the subsidy will not and I will still be the parent. Someone in Santa Fe told me once that they were amazed at the number of people who call and say, “My kid turns 18 next month! What am I going to do? How am I going to do this without the money? My kid isn’t even out of high school yet!” It’s like they look at the calendar one day and realize that they may be in trouble. The person on the other end of the phone isn’t going to listen to the story and say, “Oh, I see. Let’s just keep your subsidy coming for another year or two. You let us know when you don’t need it anymore.” As parents, we need to realize that and plan ahead for it. It’s our kids’ money, after all, and we need to make sure we budget it wisely. Because this isn’t a car at all, is it?