Perceptions

The other day a family friend dropped by. He’s one of those people who has strong political opinions and shares them without filter. I would guess that we all have friends or family members like that. He’s a kind, Latino man in his mid-forties, who has never been married or had children. He walked into the kitchen where my husband and I were assembling plates of granola pancakes and melon for dinner (because, once again, neither of us had given dinner much thought until it was time to eat). Four or five kids were already at the table, anticipating and maybe listening, but probably strategizing the many ways that they could arrange to include sugar into the meal. So. Our friend says in his loud voice, “I heard on the radio that there were some black extremists who decided to blah, blah, and caused all kinds of trouble by blah blah, Trayvon Martain, blah blah…” when I held up my hand and stopped him by reminding him that there were kids listening and he needed to be careful what he said in our house. He looked in the direction of the table and seemed to be surprised to see kids of many shades looking at him. He sheepishly changed the topic of conversation and behaved himself the rest of the night.

Later, I was replaying the event in my mind, deciding if I handled it right. Should I have said more, said it differently, let it slide? Would talking with the kids about it now make it a bigger deal since they may not have even heard what he said? Is it a teaching opportunity to explain how some people, even friends, can have opinions that we find offensive or should I let it go? I wondered why, so often, people forget that the kids are different races, when it dawned on me- maybe they think of my kids as white. Maybe they noticed and thought about race when some of our kids moved into our family, but maybe now, after time, they simply think of them as Gloetzners- white people. Would he have been so free with his words if we were all black? (And really, please don’t categorize people in subtle negative ways to anyone in my family- no matter what color they are.)

I was talking to another adoptive mom a few months ago when this subject came up. She has a black teen son and lives in a tiny NM town. They don’t talk about race at all and every one of his friends is white, I asked her if she thought he considered himself black and if he thought about it much. What would happen when he left the small town and schoolmates for college or work where no one would see him as part of a white family and treat him like the black man that he is becoming? She hadn’t really ever thought about it. The entire community sees him as white. Ignoring race is not doing this teen any favors. Because it isn’t freely discussed in his house, doesn’t mean it isn’t on his mind. A lot. Seeing the kids at my table as part of a white family and not as part of the black community is not doing them any favors. Assuming that being in a white family makes you white is insulting and harmful to kids. I think it’s time to have a heart-to-heart talk with my friend.