I recently attended a training at The Attachment Healing Center with director, Michelle Coleman. (I highly recommend it.) In speaking about neurology and why we don't want to parent out of our reptilian brain (think about how reptiles parent), she suggested that there is another coping mechanism to add to "fight, flight or freeze." A fourth survival response can also be, "mend and be-friend." It reminded me of a story of a lady who was kidnapped and forced into a car with a creepy bad guy. Over the course of a couple of hours, he drove and she talked. In be-friending him, even mothering him to some extent, she won her freedom, unharmed. Do you think this is a valid idea and, if so, how can we use it as parents?
6 comments:
I know that Bruce Perry calls the 4th part of the Fight Floght or Freeze... Flock which is where especially pre and teens Flock together for survival. or to align against.
either view, is about surviving.
I can see where either could lead to parents getting through difficult situations.
the only thing I can't see is one is purely reactive and the other is using higher thinking to get through a situation and just reacting.
signed
Monica C
It seems to me that to "mend and be-friend" is to build a relationship. In building relationships people learn to connect on a deeper level. This is where trust is born and healing begins.
It seems to me that to "mend and be-friend" is to build a relationship. In building relationships people learn to connect on a deeper level. This is where trust is born and healing begins.
I continually struggle with this very thing. It's another way of saying, "Co-regulate!" I don't really like the words - I'm not my kid's friend - but I get the meaning.
This is another gentle reminder that I'm entirely too authoritative, which never works with my kids. I'm especially this way in public where I put way too much value on what others think. I become mortified when I have to carry my kid out of a store or leave a play date in a hurry. (The screaming obscenities isn't fun, but what really ticks me off is when my shirt rides up or my shorts slide down, and then my wiggly bits are on display.) Then I overreact in the car.
But I digress.
I am reminded to not take it personally. And I need to be reminded of this often. They are frightened children after all.
I think the "mend and be-friend" is a goal that we want to achieve with our kids; however, some children seem to be so badly damaged that they can't or won't even take the first steps to trust. My youngest kids only did things that they felt were going to get them something for nothing. Even in adulthood now they are homeless and would never consider looking for employment or further education. They want the free apartments, phone, food, medical, bus passes, etc. They end up losing these things because they can't follow the rules to retain them and won't take part in any treatment required to continue assistance. Nine placements, 2 adoptions, and 2-3 RTCs plus the abuse sustained in the beginning just seems to have overwhelmed them. Nothing was more heartbreaking to me than to have an attachment therapist say they couldn't help us anymore because the children would not participate. I've learned that you can't force a child to do something they don't want to do. But I also recently have felt hope for the future in Bryan Samuels "Daily Trauma-Informed Care Plan." So maybe their is hope for healing, I just don't know what it will take for my older children, and I hope I can be successful with the 2 new ones we are adopting (2 years & 9 months). I truly feel for RamblingRabans ~ been there, done that!
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