Food

Food is so many things to us- comfort when we’re sad or stressed, pleasure, survival, connection with family, friends and our culture, adventure, control. It’s no wonder, then, that food can be a stressful thing in an adoptive family. It pulls us back to our own childhood, has the power to create family warfare, or can be used as a tool for rejection or power. In the case of kids who have suffered deprivation, it can cause great fear and insecurity. For kids whose world is out of control, it can give them one thing to have dominion over. Let’s cover a few common food issues that adoptive families struggle with.

Hoarding (or “stealing” food)- don’t be surprised if you catch a child sneaking food or hiding it in strange places. The fear of starvation is deep-seated and very real. Instead of accusing your child or shaming, make sure they know that you won’t withhold food from them. Let them keep a couple of healthy snacks in an airtight container and let them have fruit and vegetables whenever they want. If the thought of waiting for dinner freaks them out, let them have a salad while the meal is being cooked.

I’ve often heard parents call this “stealing food.” The food in your house belongs to your child, so they are not stealing it, they are taking it without asking first. Explain to the child that all the food is theirs, but you need to help them meet their needs. Asking can be difficult for some kids, but establishing that as a habit can help your child realize that you provide them with good things. Go as far as to let them know that if they are hungry during the night, they can wake you up and you’ll fix them a snack. It builds connection for you to provide food. They may not have had an adult in their lives who took care of them in that way.

Overeating and gorging on junk food- start with a very small serving so your child can have seconds. Keep junk food out of the house and only have it occasionally if it’s a problem.

Pickiness- pay attention to what your child likes and dislikes or even absolutely refuses and look for patterns. Is there a certain texture that she can’t tolerate? A strong taste? It could be a sensory/ tactile issue. If you see a pattern and there are other clues as well, ask for an OT evaluation. Your child may need some therapy to overcome this sensitivity.

Refusing certain food- some kids have had trauma around a particular food. Maybe someone in their past lost their temper when a child wouldn’t eat green beans or mushrooms. Maybe there was an uncle or cousin who caused fear (and smelled like onions). We don’t know our kids’ back-stories and often they may not even remember. If there are a couple of foods that seem to throw your child into a bad place, let it go. It may have been fine when your mom insisted that you eat your peas, but compassion helps you understand that this is not a battle to take on with this child.

Food issues can be complicated. NM Fiesta Project Family Mentors are available to brainstorm with you about anything you are struggling with in your adoptive family. Find us at nmfiestaproject.org. While you’re there, check out the other services, classes and library available across the state.

My Child Always Needs to Be in Control

One of the symptoms of experiencing early, chronic childhood trauma can be a strong need to be in control. This is how it looks-

Mom: It’s time to take a shower now.

Child: I just took a shower

Mom: That was Thursday. You need a shower again.

Child: I’ll take a bath instead.

Mom: I don’t care. Just get clean.

Child: I’m going to take it after dinner

Mom: I need you to take it now. We have plans after dinner.

Child: I’m cold. I’ll wait until tomorrow.

Mom: Just. Take. A. Shower.

Child: I just remembered some homework I’ve got to do.

(Repeat)

This may seem like a typical scenario for kids of a certain age, but you may live with a child who needs to be in control over every single thing- what to eat for dinner, how many cookies are in a package, who has bigger feet, what the weather is, whether or not to clean her room. It is often accompanied by “manipulation,” (if I can’t get my way, I’ll trick you into it) or rages (if I can’t get my way, I totally lose it).

If behavior is communication, consider what your child is telling you. His brain has been programmed to survive because his needs weren’t met from an early age. (Or they may have been met sporadically.) He has learned, in his deepest, foundational self, that in order to stay alive, he has to be in charge. Or he will die. This is not something he thinks about or plans out, it’s something less conscious. You can explain that he’s safe now and that he can trust you to take care of him, but until he has a paradigm shift and “gets” that himself, he still needs to be in control. He’s not trying to mess with you, make you angry, or create conflict in the family. It’s a symptom of a deeper trust deficit. He’s terrified.

The cure for this? Making sure you take the time to develop a connection leading to trust. Giving her choices, so she realizes that you are in charge, but giving her appropriate control. (You need to take a shower or a bath. Would you like to do that before dinner or after?) Listening and letting her offer compromises lets her know that she is being ruled by a benevolant mentor instead of a frightening dictator. Another strategy is to use humor to deflect the issue. I sometimes say, “It’s always nice to have someone in charge,” spoken with a smile and a wink.

The New Mexico Fiesta Project has monthly support groups across the state where parents can discuss parenting challenges like this one and learn from other adoptive parents. It’s a good place to get some ideas if you’re struggling. It’s a good place to share what you’ve learned. Visit us at nmfiestaproject.org to find out where one is near you.

Carol Gloetzner

What is My Child's Lying Telling Me?

As adoptive parents, it’s always important to look at our child’s behavior as information. What is this behavior saying about my child’s level of fear, past trauma, or lack of trust? Lying is no exception. We usually recognize when the lie is told to avoid getting caught in misbehavior. That makes sense to us, even though we don’t approve. Nonsense lying, though, is a different. It isn’t logical to us to have our child make up fantastic stories or argue with us about the color of the sky. According to a recent study, lies are often used to avoid intimacy. Consider this- what if I believe that I am unlovable? That if you truly knew who I am, you would reject me? I would want to avoid having anyone know me, right? And the best way to do that is to hide my true self with a wall of lies, brick by brick, lie by lie. This not only protects me from being known, but also keeps me in control. My brain is wired to keep me alive by using those two strategies.

Lying is often a trigger for us as parents. What is it that makes a child’s lie feel like such an attack? Why does it make us so angry/ hurt/ afraid? Those questions are important to ask ourselves, because like everything else in parenting, our own issues are often the problem and dealing with our “own stuff” is the first step in dealing with our child’s. Like everything else, helping our child overcome lying always starts with establishing a connected, trusting relationship.

Many parents find that the most important thing in addressing a lie is to stay calm and make sure not to react. “I don’t believe you. I’ll have to check on that.” Another is to make sure you don’t set your child up with questions like, “Did you brush your teeth?” Crazy lying can be dealt with in a playful (non-sarcastic) way. “You should write that down. You have a great imagination. I wonder what would happen next?” Or “Push the Pause button.” “Wait. Don’t answer that right away. Let me know what really happened, not what you wish had happened.”

In any case, lying can be a challenge to parents and bring up our own fears and concerns. The NM Fiesta Project is a statewide organization with one goal- to support adoptive families. Staffed by other adoptive parents, we understand the joys and challenges of raising an adopted child. Visit us at nmfiestaporject.org.

Behavior is Communication

“We need to stop looking at our children’s actions as difficult behaviors and recognize them as symptoms.” (Denise Kendrick) What a difference perspective makes! Instead of, “My kid lies about Every. Single. Thing,” we can say, “My child needs to see me as safe enough to trust with the truth.” Instead of, “My son is such a manipulator!” we can see his world as so out-of-control that his fear drives him to be in charge at all time. Daughter sending inappropriate texts to boys? She is seeking love wherever she can get it. Defiance? Cutting? Backtalk? Potty training challenges? Tantrums? Look deeper. What is your child’s behavior telling you?

We don’t ever know our adopted child’s complete story. We don’t know the sensations that trigger memories. Smells, sounds, music, holidays, familiar-looking people, Walmart, specific events can all flip a switch in a child’s brain to make them react out of fear- and fear doesn’t always look like something we recognize. It can look like defiance, control, rage, stubbornness, charm, hyperactivity, or dishonesty.

This understanding doesn’t mean that we tolerate disrespect or that we become permissive, but with a different perspective, tempered with compassion, we can have reasonable expectations and teach our kids a better way. Taking every opportunity to connect with them is our most powerful healing tool. Spending time doing something they love, making sure to create a playful environment, stopping what we’re doing to really listen to what they say, letting them know that we’re on their team- these are all ways to help them know that they’re safe and they can trust us. It’s amazing how challenging behaviors resolve when a child develops trust and connection with a parent.

The NM Fiesta Project was created to help equip adoptive parents with the tools they need to effectively connect with their kids, realize that they are not alone in the journey, and show them community resources they may not have thought about. Find out more at nmfiestaproject.org

Carol Gloetzner

Does My Child Have "RAD?"

In preparing for adoption, most parents are frightened when they come across the list of symptoms for Reactive Attachment Disorder. They hope and pray that the child they end up with isn’t one of “those kids.” It can sound like a horror movie- a child who wants control at all costs, manipulates, lies, steals, pulls the dog’s tail, or hides entire meals under her mattress. Most of us don’t know if we’re prepared to parent a child with such a scary diagnosis.

The truth is, adoption always involves loss. Even in the best of circumstances, there is trauma for the child. And let’s face it- most adopted kids experience more than their share. Trauma for a child is going to affect the trust they have in the world. “Can the adults in my life meet my needs and keep me safe, or do I have to fend for myself?” This trauma can translate into compromised attachment leading to behavior challenges. Like many disorders (think, ADHD) attachment issues operate more along a spectrum than an absolute. Although full-blown “RAD” is rare, most of our kids will struggle with the effects of their trauma, including a compromised ability to form secure attachments. An adoptive parent needs to realize that their child’s trauma and loss can affect behavior in many ways and we need to become skilled in reading our child’s behavior as a second language so that we can help them heal.

Whether or not your child ends up with a diagnosis of RAD or other challenges, there is hope. The NM Fiesta Project was created to support adoptive parents throughout the state. Visit our website at nmfiestaproject.org to find out more.

Carol Gloetzner