My Child Always Needs to Be in Control

One of the symptoms of experiencing early, chronic childhood trauma can be a strong need to be in control. This is how it looks-

Mom: It’s time to take a shower now.

Child: I just took a shower

Mom: That was Thursday. You need a shower again.

Child: I’ll take a bath instead.

Mom: I don’t care. Just get clean.

Child: I’m going to take it after dinner

Mom: I need you to take it now. We have plans after dinner.

Child: I’m cold. I’ll wait until tomorrow.

Mom: Just. Take. A. Shower.

Child: I just remembered some homework I’ve got to do.

(Repeat)

This may seem like a typical scenario for kids of a certain age, but you may live with a child who needs to be in control over every single thing- what to eat for dinner, how many cookies are in a package, who has bigger feet, what the weather is, whether or not to clean her room. It is often accompanied by “manipulation,” (if I can’t get my way, I’ll trick you into it) or rages (if I can’t get my way, I totally lose it).

If behavior is communication, consider what your child is telling you. His brain has been programmed to survive because his needs weren’t met from an early age. (Or they may have been met sporadically.) He has learned, in his deepest, foundational self, that in order to stay alive, he has to be in charge. Or he will die. This is not something he thinks about or plans out, it’s something less conscious. You can explain that he’s safe now and that he can trust you to take care of him, but until he has a paradigm shift and “gets” that himself, he still needs to be in control. He’s not trying to mess with you, make you angry, or create conflict in the family. It’s a symptom of a deeper trust deficit. He’s terrified.

The cure for this? Making sure you take the time to develop a connection leading to trust. Giving her choices, so she realizes that you are in charge, but giving her appropriate control. (You need to take a shower or a bath. Would you like to do that before dinner or after?) Listening and letting her offer compromises lets her know that she is being ruled by a benevolant mentor instead of a frightening dictator. Another strategy is to use humor to deflect the issue. I sometimes say, “It’s always nice to have someone in charge,” spoken with a smile and a wink.

The New Mexico Fiesta Project has monthly support groups across the state where parents can discuss parenting challenges like this one and learn from other adoptive parents. It’s a good place to get some ideas if you’re struggling. It’s a good place to share what you’ve learned. Visit us at nmfiestaproject.org to find out where one is near you.

Carol Gloetzner