What is My Child's Lying Telling Me?

As adoptive parents, it’s always important to look at our child’s behavior as information. What is this behavior saying about my child’s level of fear, past trauma, or lack of trust? Lying is no exception. We usually recognize when the lie is told to avoid getting caught in misbehavior. That makes sense to us, even though we don’t approve. Nonsense lying, though, is a different. It isn’t logical to us to have our child make up fantastic stories or argue with us about the color of the sky. According to a recent study, lies are often used to avoid intimacy. Consider this- what if I believe that I am unlovable? That if you truly knew who I am, you would reject me? I would want to avoid having anyone know me, right? And the best way to do that is to hide my true self with a wall of lies, brick by brick, lie by lie. This not only protects me from being known, but also keeps me in control. My brain is wired to keep me alive by using those two strategies.

Lying is often a trigger for us as parents. What is it that makes a child’s lie feel like such an attack? Why does it make us so angry/ hurt/ afraid? Those questions are important to ask ourselves, because like everything else in parenting, our own issues are often the problem and dealing with our “own stuff” is the first step in dealing with our child’s. Like everything else, helping our child overcome lying always starts with establishing a connected, trusting relationship.

Many parents find that the most important thing in addressing a lie is to stay calm and make sure not to react. “I don’t believe you. I’ll have to check on that.” Another is to make sure you don’t set your child up with questions like, “Did you brush your teeth?” Crazy lying can be dealt with in a playful (non-sarcastic) way. “You should write that down. You have a great imagination. I wonder what would happen next?” Or “Push the Pause button.” “Wait. Don’t answer that right away. Let me know what really happened, not what you wish had happened.”

In any case, lying can be a challenge to parents and bring up our own fears and concerns. The NM Fiesta Project is a statewide organization with one goal- to support adoptive families. Staffed by other adoptive parents, we understand the joys and challenges of raising an adopted child. Visit us at nmfiestaporject.org.