Do you have a favorite kids' book?

I got the best suggestion the other day! (Thanks, Lara) Wouldn't it be great to compile a list of kids' books that we love? Those of us with multi-racial families or kids with disabilities especially seem to need suggestions about appropriate books. Once in awhile you run across a book that is just right. For me, that means it is well written to give my children a taste of the way that words can be beautifully put together. I love books with good illustrations, especially watercolors. But, for me the most important thing about a book is the message and that can be as simple as portraying the characters in appropriate skin shades and physical features or as complex as a twisting plot with colliding good and evil.
I have had an easier time finding preschool books that I love, than I have books for older kids. Hand Alphabet by Laura Rankin is one of my favorites. There is no text, only a hand on each page making the sign for each letter. The hands are old and young and many different colors. It’s a great book for all ages. Does it seem to you as if there is a real lack of great books for the elementary school set? Do you know of a book series that has healthy portrayals of non-white kid characters, an adopted character, or a disabled character?
Please let us know if you have a book you just love. Let us know if it fits into the category of picture book, early reader, or chapter book. Tell us why it’s a favorite of yours or your kids. It’ll be a good resource for all of our blog-visitors, give us ideas for the library and help us with choosing gifts for the kids on our lives. Thanks, Carol

Driving the bus

As I work with some families, I am hit in the face with the fact that sometimes, we as adoptive parents are losing control. And I mean that in several ways.

We start out with the wonderful idea that we are going to bring these children into our home, and it is going to be a wonderful thing. And don't get me wrong, no matter WHAT our children's behaviors, there are still many, many wonderful things. Then, the honeymoon period ends. It could be in days (like with both of our girls) or it could last months. But sooner or later, it generally ends. And then you get to meet the real child beneath. They buck the rules. They break things intentionally, etc etc etc. So now, the child/ren are driving the bus. You alter your routines to accomodate your child's behaviors. Will Tommy behave long enough to enjoy a movie? Will Jerrell go balistic when they play the birthday drums at our favorite restaurant and have to be removed? (yes, this one is one of ours...we could no longer take him to Tucano's ...a big bummer...but those drums and strange men showing up at the table with long skewers and knives...not good...no no no...not good)

We all must make certain concessions in how and what we expose our kids to, what they can handle, what they can't. But we all need to remember to not give up so much of our lives, that our lives no longer contain enough fun. Not just for the kids, but for us as well.

Then, as time goes on, and we come to the realization that our kids need professional help of some sort, either medically-behaviorally-psychologically..whatever -our kids need help. And what I am seeing happen, is parents giving up driving the bus again. Parents...YOU are the parents. You drive the bus. Not a therapist, not a doctor, not your religious leader, not your neighbor. YOU. If your therapist/doctor/leader/etc is telling you something that you know in your craw is wrong...stand up for yourself and your children. You live with them, they see them maybe 1-4 hours per month versus your life of 720 hours a month. And remember to try to speak to your children's therapist as factually, as cool headedly as possible. Even if you have to wear a scarf to hide the hair you've been pulling out,(kidding) try to portray yourself as a rational person and not someone on the brink of dispair. When your therapist tells you things that you know in your heart and mind are wrong, fight back...in the nicest, most respectable way of course.

Your child is worth the fight. And if you have to change therapists, so be it. We will help you with new referrals. There is no one size fits all for our kids, and not every professional works great with every family. If at first you don't succeed, try try again. And follow every resource. Behavior modification, sensory integration training, medication, equine therapy. If what you have tried so far for your child hasn't worked, change plans. Nothing is written in stone and just because you start with a certain professional, it doesn't mean you have to stay if you or your child are not succeeding. And if your professional is not part of YOUR team, if they are driving the bus instead of reading the map, you are very likely not going to be happy. Professionals are there to point us down the right road, to give us directions in what roads will all take us to the right locations, they are not/should not be there to be in control of your family.

Nuff said for now, off to FCM to start the process of adopting a former foster child..yippee

Sue

Reverse-Kindness Syndrome

When we adopted children who didn’t look like us, we expected to deal with friendly questions, curious looks, rude remarks and blatant racism. But one thing unexpectedly threw us off. It was a phenomenon I will call, “Reverse-kindness Syndrome.” Here’s an example- after church one Sunday, shortly after our ten-year-old Mexican nephew came to stay with us, I was approached by his Sunday school teacher. “We just love having Jose in our class!” she gushed. “He is so respectful and nice- I can’t tell you how happy I am to teach him!” What’s the problem? Our also ten-year-old, blond, blue-eyed clone son (he had attended the same class) was standing right beside us, as if invisible. It happened over and over. I’d have two darling little girls in my shopping cart, and inevitably a sweet lady stranger will exclaim, “Oh what a cute little girl!” looking at the one wearing an oxygen tube and ignoring the healthy one. The worst case, I think, was when I came out of a store with four or five assorted kids and a kind lady approached us. “God just told me that He is going to do great and amazing things through that little girl!” she prophesied with tearing eyes. She was smiling fondly at my Indian granddaughter who, by the way, has no arms, while all of the children looked on warily. I know that these people are trying to be kind. It seems petty and cruel to take offence over such encouraging words. All of my children are darn cute, thank you very much, and God has great plans for the “ordinary, run-of-the-mill” kid as well as the one who looks just a little different. In taking care to be inclusive, accepting and encouraging toward children who stand out, we need to make sure we are not excluding the ones who look like their parents. They need a boost too.
This all struck me full-force last week while waiting in line to enroll my daughter in school. I was behind a family with an absolutely beautiful fifth grade girl and her (equally beautiful) second grade sister who is disabled. “Oh, Emily!” the secretary smiled at the younger girl. “Did you have a good summer?” She did not even acknowledge that the older girl was standing right there. She went out of her way to make Emily feel accepted, but you have to wonder what a steady diet of that will do to a sibling.
I remember that every time we took our Jose to an event where volunteers were solicited from the audience, he was always picked. He was bouncy and cute and people were drawn to him. He had an outgoing personality and he enjoyed being singled out. (The other kids, who were seldom picked, had another opinion.) So what’s the best way to handle “reverse-kindness’? Is it a good or bad for the old self-esteem to be singled out and praised? Is it good for the “others” to learn to be gracious or does it cause resentment? Is it justified to accept these compliments knowing that in ten years or so, when the cuteness fades into puberty, these same kids will be the recipients of a different kind of reaction. (Jose said that, as a teenager, he often cringed to hear the sound of door locks clicking down as he walked through the parking lot at the mall.) What do you say? “Stop telling my kid that he’s cute?
Let me know what you think.

Gotta watch out for those illegal undergarments

So my friend, Maryanne and her husband, Rod (names have been changed to protect the semi-innocent), were finally going to finalize their adoption of their two kids. The kids were placed in their home as foster kids. It progressed to “It doesn't look like reunification is an option”, to “What do you think about concurrent?” and finally, “How would you like to adopt?” It became complicated, drawn out, stress-filled and then finally the big day was here. As usual, I tried to fit too many things into the morning, but I managed to get to court a few minutes early. I drove around awhile and finally realized that a close parking spot was not going to materialize. I decided to trek it. I found Rod hurrying through the parking lot also, coming from work, but I didn’t spot Maryanne. If you haven’t met Maryanne, you need to. Her contagious laugh usually precedes her. She’s high energy, fun, smart, compassionate, and sometimes a little scattered. I decided to wait just past security, keeping an eye on the clock, getting a little concerned that she wouldn’t make it in time, when I heard her laugh. Sure enough, she came hurrying into the building with her three kids dressed in their finest, combed and polished and they all proceeded through the metal detector barely in time. But then …the metal detector went off. Maryanne checked her pockets. Took off shoes and belt and tried it again. Nope. The security guard had to scan her with the wand to find the hidden offender when Maryanne got an enlightened look on her face and yelled out, “It’s my underwire bra!!” Suffice it to say, the guards backed off and let her pass without comment, the finalization went quickly and without drama and they lived happily ever after.

TEEN NIGHT THIS FRIDAY (Aug. 28th)

WEST MESA POOL PARTY!!!

6 to 8 --- Snacks Provided!

6705 Fortuna Rd NWAlbuquerque, NM 87121-1306

(505) 836-8718

Please RSVP to one of us....

Monica Cohu 1-877-380-3595
Gayle Foster 1-877-380-3597
Sue Nachor 1-877-380-3597

( They do not allow cut offs)

See Ya Friday!!!

Want to win an ipod?

This is an announcement for a so-cool-no-strings drawing for an absolutely new, positively free ipod just for leaving feedback on this blog site!

Here's our challenge- we want to get the word out about our organization to as many adoptive families as possible.

We think we've got something pretty outstanding going on here with our classes, our fun family outings, our fabulous family contacts and our unbelievable library. We just need to get more people on board. And to do that, they need to know we exist. So we thought, "What better way to get more people logging on than to offer free stuff!" So we'll start with this ipod drawing held on November 1, and then every three months, we'll announce a winner from randomly choosing an email address from our visitors. Then we'll start again with a new drawing! So spread the word! Every time you leave a comment, you get a chance to win. And while you're here, check out the schedule of events and mark your calendars. Maybe you'll even win something!

Can you help me with this problem?

In light of the upcoming school year, I've been wondering if this is something I've missed. Has anyone had an issue when a teacher assigns a "family tree" project? Have you had an adopted (or other) child who has been uncomfortable with this assignment? Any ideas on how to handle it? Is it acceptable to just tell your child to use his adopted family tree or is this disrespectful to his true heritage? Please comment.

New Parent Contact

Okay, so I go to my job interview with Megan Walsh here at La Familia for a position with this new service called NM Fiesta Project. I’ve met Megan before and she seems normal enough and not too threatening…still it’s my first job interview in about 34 years, so I’m feeling a little nervous. Should I wear the business suit and heels? Not finding anything that fits that category in my closet (okay, it’s hard to find anything but jeans….some days it’s even a challenge to find the closet) I did manage to get a shower and at least get there clothed and on time. I had already given Megan my basic information, so the first thing she said was, “Tell me about your interest in N.M. Fiesta,” and she poised her pen to take notes. I explain…

My husband, Ron, and I have twelve kids, five girls, seven boys, four adopted, seven grown, five at home, six bio, ten can walk, two use wheelchairs, ten grandkids, multiple pets, lots of doctor appointments, and four have special needs…okay fine, in this family we all have “special needs”. We have done specialized foster care through ARCA for about ten years. During that time we have fed kids through g tubes, given them oxygen, nebulizer treatments and meds, helped with prosthetics, devised ways to motivate acceptable behavior, answered the same autistic-driven question 472 times in one day, made untold numbers of mistakes, but mostly just made sure the teeth were brushed and the stories read and everybody tucked into bed on time.

I love to read any book related to adoption, (have you checked out the library here!?) love to help other parents find solutions to challenges or just be there to understand. We need each other because some of the things we go through as adoptive families cannot be understood by our best friends, our families, our bartenders or our pastors. Okay, I probably didn’t say exactly that, but something like.

So, can you believe it? I got the job! And I get a whole subcategory to myself! I’m here to support families who have adopted kids with special needs. You know when you start something new and you are excited and get inspired with all these great and interesting and outlandish ideas? Well, I’ve come up with a couple that actually have a chance of working, so I’m ready to get started. Please, please contact me if you have a suggestion, comment, challenge or just want to chat about your family. I can’t believe I actually get paid to do this! Come and introduce yourself if you see me at an event… I’m the young, beautiful blond with the perfectly behaved children….okay that’s a lie, you’ll have to look for my name tag.

Carol Gloetzner

TWEEN NIGHT (6 to 12 years old)

GOLFERNOGGIN'S

4910-B Lomas Blvd. NE 999-1067

Sunday, August 9th, 3 to 5 pm

Pls RSVP to Gayle @ 385-4797 -OR- Donna Payne @ 401-5067

* We ask that at least one parent per family attend.