As I work with some families, I am hit in the face with the fact that sometimes, we as adoptive parents are losing control. And I mean that in several ways.
We start out with the wonderful idea that we are going to bring these children into our home, and it is going to be a wonderful thing. And don't get me wrong, no matter WHAT our children's behaviors, there are still many, many wonderful things. Then, the honeymoon period ends. It could be in days (like with both of our girls) or it could last months. But sooner or later, it generally ends. And then you get to meet the real child beneath. They buck the rules. They break things intentionally, etc etc etc. So now, the child/ren are driving the bus. You alter your routines to accomodate your child's behaviors. Will Tommy behave long enough to enjoy a movie? Will Jerrell go balistic when they play the birthday drums at our favorite restaurant and have to be removed? (yes, this one is one of ours...we could no longer take him to Tucano's ...a big bummer...but those drums and strange men showing up at the table with long skewers and knives...not good...no no no...not good)
We all must make certain concessions in how and what we expose our kids to, what they can handle, what they can't. But we all need to remember to not give up so much of our lives, that our lives no longer contain enough fun. Not just for the kids, but for us as well.
Then, as time goes on, and we come to the realization that our kids need professional help of some sort, either medically-behaviorally-psychologically..whatever -our kids need help. And what I am seeing happen, is parents giving up driving the bus again. Parents...YOU are the parents. You drive the bus. Not a therapist, not a doctor, not your religious leader, not your neighbor. YOU. If your therapist/doctor/leader/etc is telling you something that you know in your craw is wrong...stand up for yourself and your children. You live with them, they see them maybe 1-4 hours per month versus your life of 720 hours a month. And remember to try to speak to your children's therapist as factually, as cool headedly as possible. Even if you have to wear a scarf to hide the hair you've been pulling out,(kidding) try to portray yourself as a rational person and not someone on the brink of dispair. When your therapist tells you things that you know in your heart and mind are wrong, fight back...in the nicest, most respectable way of course.
Your child is worth the fight. And if you have to change therapists, so be it. We will help you with new referrals. There is no one size fits all for our kids, and not every professional works great with every family. If at first you don't succeed, try try again. And follow every resource. Behavior modification, sensory integration training, medication, equine therapy. If what you have tried so far for your child hasn't worked, change plans. Nothing is written in stone and just because you start with a certain professional, it doesn't mean you have to stay if you or your child are not succeeding. And if your professional is not part of YOUR team, if they are driving the bus instead of reading the map, you are very likely not going to be happy. Professionals are there to point us down the right road, to give us directions in what roads will all take us to the right locations, they are not/should not be there to be in control of your family.
Nuff said for now, off to FCM to start the process of adopting a former foster child..yippee
Sue
3 comments:
Sue,
Thanks for the great reminder and so well put in the analogy of the bus. I've been a parent for a long time and should know better, but recently I realized that I had abdicated my drivers license in my daughter's eating problems. I listened to a good therapist instead of following my gut (that's a pun;) and my own experience. We're back on the right road now (with me driving) getting the help we need...and the great therapist is following along. It's easy to second guess ourselves, especially in dealing with "experts". There's a time to listen to others and a time to trust ourselves. I appreciate the great lesson.
What do you suggest when you want to drive the bus one way and your partner insists on driving it in the opposite direction??
Kristin,
That is such a tricky question and I think it comes up in almost any relationship at times. I've
been married to the same man for many years and this challenge has come up more than once. I
think that the answer depends on the specific disagreement. Then you decide whether you can live with the outcome. For instance, my husband has sometimes let our kids watch movies that I don't approve of. We're not talking slasher or porn, but language or violence at what I feel is too young an age. We do not agree on where the boundary lies. It really bugs me. I might add that we are both
pretty stubborn. So here's what I decided- it's better for the kids to have both parents together than split up over a movie. I still voice my opinion (to him alone and sometimes out loud while the movie is on) but if he still lets them watch, I let it go. Sometimes I back down on these kinds of things, sometimes he does.
If the disagreement was about something that I couldn't live with though, I'd like to find some time
and a quiet place to write out my position to make it clear to myself first. Then I'd try to approach him
in a calm way, expressing the boundaries or even ultimatums non-emotionally. (If I freak out, I
become the problem; then the attention is on my outburst and not on the issue.) If we couldn't come
to an agreement at that point, I wouldn't hesitate to bring in a third party who can see things from a
different perspective, such as a counselor.
It's important to take the time to define your own boundaries about things instead of letting
them evolve in the heat of an argument. If you'd like to talk about your specific situation, call any
one of us. If you still can't decide what to do, we'll be there for you in finding someone else who can help. The important thing is to keep moving down the road together.
Carol
>
>
--
Go To:
If you have problems logging in or staying logged into twig click here
[About SWCP] [Businesses] [Members Services] [Products] [Account Info] [Links]
Southwest Cyberport
5021 Indian School NE Suite 600, Albuquerque NM 87110 USA
helpdesk / info request: help@swcp.com | webmaster: webmaster@swcp.com
phone: USA: (505) 232-7992 | fax: USA: (505) 232-7975
TWIG 2.7.7
Post a Comment