Book Club!

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

I’m probably going to love this book, because I have kind of avoided reading it. Like I’ve said, “The title didn’t yell out, ‘Read me!” I’m trying to figure out why that is. It could be that I don’t want to look at my children’s pain, not necessarily because I would hurt so badly for them, but because it requires work on my part. (selfish, but true) It’s much easier for me to only look at what is pleasant or immediate. Easy to try and change unwanted behavior without digging into the “why’s.” Difficult to look at my child’s life without myself on a throne in the center.
The other reason I’ve avoided it, I think, is that I thought it would be a book based on generalizations. I have known many adult adoptees and have been exceptionally close to two. They both fit the category of non-curious, emotionally balanced and not interested in delving into their losses or finding a biological link. Again, I admit my own lazy attitude in assuming that my own children will follow this pattern. If one looks at her childhood with too strong a microscope, nearly everyone can claim dysfunction. Then again, putting on dark glasses to avoid seeing the hurt is the opposite pitfall, isn’t it?
So, here we go….I’m going to jump in and hope this book will help me recognize my shortcomings and motivate me to change. I truly hope that I will become the kind of parent that will be a healing force, encouraging my children to trust me with their pain, questions, and anger.
The format of this book club will evolve, I think, because new things usually do.
Please leave a comment or give me a call if you’ll be participating. After this installment, we will move to a Face Book group in order to facilitate better dialogue. I’ll put reminders on the blog and a schedule. I’ll come up with a few discussion questions, but feel free to stray from them if something strikes you while you’re reading. For now, leave your answers and thoughts as a comment. Please don’t feel as if you have to be grammatically correct or have your thoughts super-well organized. If your style is rambling and informal- all the better. This is a time for friends to learn from each other.

Chapters 1 and 2. (Introduction)
1. Are you comfortable with the author’s credentials for writing this book? Why or why not?
2. Does it seem logical to you that a pre-born infant has already bonded to her mom? Does she grieve or become confused if she is “taken away?” How does this relate to you if your child came into your life when they were older?
3. If you’d like to, please share any success or failure that came to your mind while reading the section, “How to Gain Access.”
4. Do you think that you can bring up your child’s adoption too often? Do you agree with the mother mentioned in chapter 2 who said she talks about adoption with her children every day? Can you create feelings of loss where there weren’t any by planting, even encouraging, those ideas in your child?

Carol